SCHIZO   5'?m1f Monologue: salvation, decisions, excuses

(scene: 2 chairs facing audience)

(enters, paces in front of chairs)

What am I going to do? I'm going to see her tomorrow. And I
know, I just know she'll ask me about it.

I know what I'll do! I just won't show up. Yeah, that's it.
I'll... I'll tell her I was sick. Good.

No! That won't work! I can't keep avoiding her. Sooner or later
she'll see me just by chance. And just my luck, it'll be right
at the time when I'm the least prepared to defend myself.

Look at you! You're talking to yourself. Do you know what they
say about people who talk to themselves? They put you in a
padded cell in the boobyhatch. That's what they do.

But I've got to prepare myself. I've got to have answers for her
incessant questions. It's a matter of self defense. What else
can I do?

So, how can I prepare for the inevitable? The confrontation, the
showdown. The first strategy is to put her on the defensive.
Yes. That's it. I get her on the defensive. If I get her on the
defensive, she won't ask me any embarrassing question.

(Sits in right chair. For the remainder of the play, slides
left and right into empty chair, turns and speaks to empty chair
as if a person is sitting there)

RIGHT -- Why are you being so hard on me?

LEFT -- Because you've heard the gospel message and now you are
without excuse. If you were to die tomorrow, I would never see
you again. And I love you too much to let that happen without a

RIGHT -- You don't know that. I believe in Jesus.

LEFT -- Even the demons shudder at the name of Jesus.

(stands, paces) Boy, she is really good. She slid out from under
my attack and now she's got me on the defensive. You can't let
her get you on the defensive. You can do better than that!

RIGHT -- Alright. I'll admit it. So I didn't make any kind of
commitment to Jesus! That's a very big commitment, you know. The
Bible says to count the cost.

LEFT -- That's true.

RIGHT -- See? I've got you there, don't I?! (smirks to audience)

LEFT -- It depends on how you look at it.

RIGHT -- What do you mean?

LEFT -- Tell me, when you stay in a hotel, do you tell the maid
not to change your sheets or towels?

RIGHT -- No. Yuk. But what does that have to do with salvation?

LEFT -- You are so hung up on what you have to give up that you
can't see that salvation is more like receiving fresh towels
than having your towels confiscated..

RIGHT -- My life is not like dirty towels.

LEFT -- Yes, it is. You are a slave to sin. You're powerless to
change your life without help. Tell me, when you buy a new car,
do you keep the old one?

RIGHT -- No. I trade in my old car. So what?

LEFT -- So, the Lord wants to give you a brand new high
performance vehicle but you won't give up your old clunker. Big

RIGHT -- My life is not an old clunker!

(springs up, paces)

Alright! Alright! I'll admit it! My life IS just like dirty
laundry and and old clunker! I've been watching your life for
months! You've got just as many problems as I have and yet,...
And yet, you seem so... so... peaceful... so... joyful! I know
you got all that from Jesus. I know it.

My problem is not that I don't WANT to be a Christian! I do!
It's just that... It's just that in order to turn in my dirty
laundry... in order to trade in my old clunker, I know I have to
give up control of my life. I'm just not sure....

(shouts) There are you happy now?! Now you know the real reason
why I haven't accepted Jesus' gift of eternal life. There are
strings attached. If I live for Jesus, I don't get to live for


RIGHT -- You know you are really selfish!

(stands, paces) She would never say that. (sigh) But it's true.
(turns) You ARE really selfish. God put you on earth to do some
really great things and all you have to show for it so far is
dirty laundry! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Who side are
you on, anyway!? (sits)

LEFT -- You're right. I'm an immature brat who only wants my own

(stands, paces)

No! No! No! You can't admit to anything! Can you imagine how she
would gloat if I started confessing things? No. She would never
gloat. She's not like that. She's everything I ever wanted to

This is getting me nowhere! Let's start over. Yeah, let's start
over. Let's get her back on the defensive. Stay focused now!
(punches the air, bobs and weaves) Bob and weave, jab and move!
Keep her on the defensive.


RIGHT -- Why are you being so hard on me?

LEFT -- Because you've heard the gospel message and now you are
without excuse. If you were to die tomorrow, I would never see
you again. And I love you too much to let that happen without a

RIGHT -- Alright! Alright! I'll do it. I'll submit to God's plan
for my life! I'll let Jesus run my life. Now are you happy?

(stands, exits)

I guess I told her!
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