BACK SABBATH 6'1m1f Remember the sabbath day by keeping it holy (scene: two chairs separated by a small table with TV remote control) SHE -- (enters, sits, picks up remote, turns on imaginary TV above audience) Come on, honey, the movie has already started. HE --- (enters with cordless phone to ear, speaking to phone) ...I know, but he's the customer. He should get what he paid for. (sits) Listen, I've got to go. I'll talk to you at the office tomorrow. (hangs up, puts phone on table) What did I miss? SHE -- Pharaoh's daughter just found the baby in the basket. HE --- Oh. (watches TV for a moment, picks up phone, dials) SHE -- Who are you calling? HE --- I just thought of something. SHE -- It's Sunday. Can't it wait until tomorrow? HE --- The transition was more involved than I thought (to phone)... Hi, Fred, it's me. Did you make any progress on that exception report this weekend? SHE -- (exits, returns with steel measuring tape) HE --- Listen, Fred, we've got to show them something tomorrow if we want to have any hope of keeping this account. SHE -- Stand up. (pulls He to standing position, begins measuring his height, shoulder width, hips, writes measurements on note pad) HE --- (stands) What are you doing? (to phone, paying half-hearted attention to phone conversation) Not you, Fred, I'm talking to my... wife... though that's not a bad question for you. It's not going to look very good for your department if you don't have some answers... SHE -- (measures inseam) HE --- (pushes hand away) Listen, Fred, I've got to go. But if I were you, I would sit down at my computer this afternoon and at least write down some dates by which you will have some answers for them. Yes. Yeah. Thanks, Fred.... (Hangs up, to She) What are you doing? SHE -- (measures inseem) I'm just checking to see if they've made a swap. HE --- (steps back) Swap? What swap? Who are you talking about? SHE -- I'm talking about the body snatchers. HE --- The body snatchers. Honey, are you feeling alright? SHE -- Oh, I'm fine, but I'm quite sure that the body snatchers have my husband hidden away somewhere in a large green pod. HE --- You're not making much sense. (feels her forehead) Are you sure you're not sick? SHE -- (takes his hand, examines it) It sure looks like his hands. (enunciates as if He is a foreigner) What did you do with my husband? HE --- I'M your husband. What are you talking about? SHE -- Well, I married this nice Christian man who used to spend time with his family. He used to call Sunday his family day. But this new person, who looks just like him, doesn't have a clue what the fourth commandment means. HE --- Oh that. SHE -- (enunciates as if He is a foreigner) What did you do with my real husband? HE --- Honey, I tried to explain that to you a few weeks ago. We're going through a transition at the office. I've got to work a few extra hours. I told you that. SHE -- You told me and the kids it would be just a few weeks. That was three months ago. HE --- Well, it's taken a little longer than I thought. SHE -- Well, if you're really my husband, then I suppose I should keep these measurements for your casket. HE --- My casket? SHE -- According to the Bible, the penalty for violating the Sabbath is death. HE --- I didn't violate the sabbath. We went to church this morning. SHE -- The Bible says you are not to do any work on the sabbath. And anyone who does work on the sabbath is to be taken out and stoned to death. Now, would you prefer to be buried in your blue suit or your grey one. HE --- Honey, I know you're angry that I haven't been able to spend much time with you, but... SHE -- Did you hear what Melissa said at the dinner table just now? HE --- She was just joking. SHE -- What did she say? HE --- She said, "Who is that strange man down there at the end of the table." But... SHE -- Your office hours are from nine to six. But you've left for work every morning before 6:00am for the last three months. HE --- Yes, but... SHE -- And do you know how many times you've called and said you'd miss dinner? HE --- (sigh) A lot. SHE -- Seventeen times in the last six weeks. HE --- Honey, be reasonable. I... SHE -- The Lord knew that men like you would take their jobs way too seriously, so, he invented the sabbath for you to rest. "Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work." HE --- I will remind you, we are Christians. We are not under the law. We worship in Sunday, not on the sabbath, which is Saturday. SHE -- Then which day have you chosen not to do any work? HE --- Honey, be reasonable. It's just a few phone calls. SHE -- Then let me put it in terms that you will understand. A few years ago, after you found out the women needs a minimum of twenty minutes of adult conversation per day, you promised me that you would ALWAYS make yourself available for adult conversation every day. HE --- I know where you're going with this.... SHE -- ....But since your company's TRANSITION, you have broken your promise almost every day for the last three months. So I did a little calculation. At 20 minutes per day, in the last three months, you have accumulated 1800 minutes or 30 hours that you owe me. At eight hours per sabbath, it will take you four sabbaths just to get caught up. So, what'll it be? Do I get my husband back on the sabbath? Or do I sue you for breech of contract? HE --- Alright, you shamed me into it. (puts phone on table) No more phone calls on the sabbath. SHE -- What about the computer? HE --- Alright, no more computer work either. (sigh) You're right, this transition thing has gotten way out of hand. I have really been neglecting my family. I should be able to trust the Lord to help me finish a week's work in six days. (arm around her shoulder, guides her toward exit) Come on. SHE -- Where are we going? HE --- We're going to have a family meeting just like we used to do on Sundays. I'm going to apologize to the kids for neglecting them. And I'm going to ask the kids to remind me to REMEMBER THE SABBATH DAY BY KEEPING IT HOLY. (both exit) Š2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected] BACK