BACK NOPRAYER *'9m7f A full length melodrama on the power of prayer The rich villain in a modern day farming town seeks to win the pastor's daughter with his money and guile. He even bargains with the mortgage of her father's church to win her. Thanks to the hero, the congregation discovers the power of prayer to save their church and even their own lives. SCENE SUMMARY church exterior VILLAIN LUSTS AFTER HEROINE, HEROINE REJECTS VILLAIN emergency room HERO RESCUES CHILD FROM CLIFF church interior VILLAIN BECOMES A DEACON, HEROINE REJECTS HIM AGAIN emergency room HERO RESCUES MOTEL GUEST FROM FIRE villain's office HEROINE'S FATHER SIGNS A BOGUS CHURCH MORTGAGE CONTRACT emergency room HERO RESCUES HEROINE'S MOTHER FROM CAR CRASH heroine's home HEROINE'S FATHER DISCOVERS HE'S BEEN DUPED church interior CONGREGATION RALLIES TO SAVE THEIR CHURCH church interior VILLAIN SABOTAGES ATTEMPTS TO PAY OFF THE MORTGAGE church interior HERO AND HEROINE DISCOVER THEIR IDENTICAL LIFE GOALS church interior CONGREGATION SEES ANSWERS TO THEIR PRAYERS church exterior VILLAIN PLOTS LAST ATTEMPT TO COERCE HEROINE church interior VILLAIN SAYS "MARRY ME OR I'LL BLOW UP THE HERO" church interior THE WEDDING CHARACTERS SNIDELY middle aged villain HENCHMAN thug with ingenuity CHARITY pretty, devoted heroine WILL clean cut superhero JOSHUA middle aged pastor VIOLA middle aged pastor's wife DOCTOR any age, sex NURSE any age HORACE a farmer and deacon MARTHA Horace's wife SETH a deacon HARLEY a deacon THADDEUS a deacon CALEB a deacon WIVES, RESCUED VICTIMS AND TOWNSPEOPLE PRODUCTION NOTES With nine scene changes, this play could suffer serious loss of momentum if any of the set changes take longer than twenty to thirty seconds. I recommend that the church interior set pieces be on stage during the entire play. If your stage is small, I recommend that all other sets be minimal and light weight to install and strike quickly downstage of the church interior set. For larger stages the other sets should be built on dollies or turn-tables on a different stage or at least on a different part of the stage to make scene changes instantaneous. Speed is crucial between the last two scenes of the play, where emotions are at a fever pitch. Here, costume changes will be the bottle neck. I recommend that the bride puts on only a white veil and the groom only a top hat for the final scene. If you choose to use more elaborate wedding clothes, they should fit over existing clothes and have velcro closures for fast on-stage changes between scenes with the help of other cast members. I have purposely omitted lighting cues and detailed descriptions of the set pieces because of the wide variation among churches in available stage space, lighting equipment and set budgets. However, I would be happy to answer your questions about these topics by email. In any event, please email me if you perform this play to let me know what changes and adjustments you had to make to fit your venue, so that others may benefit from your experience. WITHOUT A PRAYER by Bob Snook based on a work-in-progress by Kate Rothacker VILLAIN LUSTS AFTER HEROINE, HEROINE REJECTS VILLAIN ACT 1, SCENE 1 (set: church exterior) SNIDELY -- (enters, aside to audience) You can hiss and boo if you want to. But I, Lucifer Snidely, the wealthiest man in Farmington, Iowa, am about to turn over a new leaf. (looks offstage, sees Henchman coming) And there's the man who will help me turn over my new leaf. That's Harold Henchman, my able assistant. HENCHMAN -- (enters, crosses to Snidely, brooklyn accent) You wanted to see me, boss? SNIDELY -- Yes, I did, Mr Henchman. HENCHMAN -- "Mr Henchman"? Are you okay, boss? You sick or something? SNIDELY -- There's nothing wrong with me, Mr Henchman. Why do you ask? HENCHMAN -- You usually call me Maggot. How come you're calling me Mr Henchman, boss? SNIDELY -- I'm turning over a new leaf, Mr Henchman. HENCHMAN -- A new leaf? SNIDELY -- Yes, I got to thinking, Mr Henchman, here I am the wealthiest man in Farmington, Iowa and what do I have to show for it? HENCHMAN -- Well, last time I looked, boss, you had a trucking company, an apartment building, a motel, a bank and more than half the real estate in the county to show for it. SNIDELY -- That's not what I meant, Mr Henchman. What I meant was, here I am moving past the prime of my life and I have no heirs to inherit my vast wealth. HENCHMAN -- You could pass it all down to me, boss. (chuckles) SNIDELY -- That's not funny, Maggot. (grabs Henchman's ear lobe) HENCHMAN -- (in obvious pain, points to ear lobe) Oooo, aaahhh! Say, boss, I thought you said you was turning over a new leaf. SNIDELY -- (lets go) You're right, Mr Henchman, (begins pacing to and fro) a new leaf. Let me tell you what I have in mind. First, I'm going to get married. (stops when he's nose to nose with Henchman) Do you think I'm attractive, Mr Henchman? HENCHMAN -- (turns aside) You're not my type, boss. SNIDELY -- (grabs Henchman's ear) Not YOU, Maggot. I'm not going to marry you. Why do I put up with you? HENCHMAN -- (in obvious pain, points to ear lobe) Oooo, aaahhh! Remember the new leaf, boss. SNIDELY -- (lets go, begins pacing) You're right, of course, Mr Henchman. A man who wants to get married must be civil and gentle. I intend to be civil and gentle in order to attract the right sort of woman, an attractive woman who could bear me twelve or fourteen children to inherit my vast wealth. So, Mr Henchman, I repeat the question. Do you think I'm attractive? HENCHMAN -- You're the most attractive man in Farmington, Iowa, (chuckles) when you're holding your checkbook. SNIDELY -- (grabs Henchman's ear lobe) I should know better than to ask a serious question of such a low-life as you, Maggot. HENCHMAN -- (in obvious pain, points to ear lobe) Oooo, aaahhh! What about civil and gentle, boss? SNIDELY -- (lets go, begins pacing) You're right, of course, Mr Henchman. It looks like civility and gentility will take a little getting used to. HENCHMAN -- So, have you picked a wife, yet, boss? SNIDELY -- Yes. I have chosen the fairest, most beautiful creature in all of Farmington, the fair Miss Charity Goodheart. HENCHMAN -- (laughs out loud) The preacher's daughter? (points to church upstage) SNIDELY -- (stops nose to nose with Henchman) Something wrong with that, Maggot? HENCHMAN -- Here, boss, you stay gentle and civil. I'll do it myself. (grabs own ear lob, in obvious pain) Oooo, aaahhh! Listen, boss, I meant no disrespect. But Charity Goodheart has made it clear that she won't marry any man. SNIDELY -- She did? HENCHMAN -- If anyone mentions marriage to her, she says "1 Corinthians 7:1." SNIDELY -- What's that? HENCHMAN -- It's a Bible verse, boss. It says, "It is good for a man not to marry." SNIDELY -- How do you know what 1 Corinthians 7:1 says, Mr Henchman? HENCHMAN -- There's not a lot to do in jail besides read the Bible, boss. I was thinking about becoming a Christian until you came along. SNIDELY -- A Christian?! I hate Christians. HENCHMAN -- Don't forget, boss, Charity Goodheart is a Christian. SNIDELY -- Curses! Why did the most beautiful creature in town have to be a Christian?! HENCHMAN -- There's lot's of fishes in the sea, why not chose a non-Christian? SNIDELY -- Because, as the richest man in Farmington, Iowa, I'm entitled to the best. And Charity Goodheart is the best. She makes my heart go pitter-pat. (sighs) HENCHMAN -- I didn't know you had a heart, boss. SNIDELY -- Mr Henchman, I shall ignore that comment, because I have turned over a new leaf. I am about to become a married man. HENCHMAN -- I don't know how to tell you this, boss, but even if Charity Goodheart changed her mind and decided to marry, she would never marry a non-Christian. SNIDELY -- Oh no? HENCHMAN -- 2 Corinthians 6:14 clearly says "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers." SNIDELY -- Oh, no! (paces floor) Henchman, I have to have that women. She would be the perfect mother for my 14 children. Think of something, Henchman. Think! HENCHMAN -- (begins pacing with Snidely, turns to tell Snidely his plan, Snidely collides with him) SNIDELY -- Maggot! (reaches toward Henchman's ear) HENCHMAN -- (hand over ear) I got it, boss. I got an idea. SNIDELY -- This better be good, Maggot, or your ear lobe is mine. HENCHMAN -- It's a perfect plan, boss. YOU become a Christian. SNIDELY -- (grabs Henchman's ear lobe) Maggot! HENCHMAN -- (in obvious pain, points to ear lobe) Oooo, aaahhh! SNIDELY -- I hate Christians. HENCHMAN -- (in obvious pain, points to ear lobe) Oooo, aaahhh! You don't actually have to BECOME a Christian, boss, just act like one. You know, use the jargon. Speak the language. SNIDELY -- (lets go) Mr Henchman, you may be on to something there. Run over to Harley Millburn's hardware store and borrow his Bible. The fair Miss Charity Goodheart usually does her shopping about this time of day. Go! (whisks him away) Hurry! HENCHMAN -- (exiting) I'm right on it, boss. SNIDELY -- (turns, sees Charity offstage) Well! It's the young and lovely, Miss Charity Goodheart! Good morning, my dear Charity. CHARITY -- (enters, acknowledges the AWEs of the audience with a modest curtsy, turns to Snidely, speaks curtly as she attempts to pass by him) Good morning, Mr Snidely. SNIDELY -- (steps into her path) I was just talking about you, my pretty flower. CHARITY -- That's nice, Mr Snidely. May I please get by? SNIDELY -- What's your hurry, Charity? It's a lovely day. CHARITY -- I have shopping to do, Mr Snidely. May I please get by? SNIDELY -- Call me Lucifer, please, my lovely rose bud. CHARITY -- Why are you being so nice, Mr Snidely? Is this just another one of your tricks to swindle people out of their businesses or their land? SNIDELY -- I will admit that I was once a ruthless business man, Charity, but I have seen the light. I have become a Christian. CHARITY -- You? SNIDELY -- Yes, as you undoubtedly know, my sweet, with the Lord, all things are possible. (puts hands behind back) HENCHMAN -- (enters quickly, quietly, presses a Bible into Snidely's hands, stands by, trying to look inconspicuous) CHARITY -- Where did you read that? SNIDELY -- Why, I was reading it just this morning (shows Bible, opens Bible) Let me see. Where did I see that passage that said (louder) with the Lord all things are possible? HENCHMAN -- (hand to mouth, whispers) Matthew 19:26 SNIDELY -- Yes, here it is, Matthew 19:26. (Bible open to Genesis) CHARITY -- Well, yes, that is what Matthew 19:26 says, Mr Snidely. (tries to look at open Bible) SNIDELY -- (holds Bible pages out of sight) Call me Lucifer, please, my dear. CHARITY -- Perhaps you HAVE turned over a new leaf, Mr Snidely. If that's the case, welcome to the Kingdom. SNIDELY -- Thank you, my pretty flower. CHARITY -- Your welcome. Now may I please get by? SNIDELY -- Just one more thing, my lovely blossom. I have decided, now that I'm a Christian, to settle down and start a family. A Christian family. And since you are the fairest of the beautiful young ladies in Farmington, I was thinking that perhaps.... CHARITY -- Marriage is not for me, Mr Snidely. The Bible says "It is good for a man not to marry." SNIDELY -- Yes, of course, that would be.... that would be.... HENCHMAN -- (whispers) 1 Corinthians 7:1. SNIDELY -- 1 Corinthians 7:1. CHARITY -- Why, that's correct, Mr Snidely. SNIDELY -- But the passage reads "It is good for a MAN not to marry." You're obviously not a man, Charity, my sweet. CHARITY -- In that context the Bible speaks of MAN in reference to both sexes, Mr Snidely. My most fervent wish is to do missionary work around the world. Marriage for a traveling missionary is out of the question, don't you think, Mr Snidely? SNIDELY -- Well, I'm sure I can think of an appropriate Bible verse to refute that notion... (snaps fingers behind back) CHARITY -- I really must be about my shopping, Mr Snidely. Now, if you'll excuse me. SNIDELY -- No, please, I have a Bible verse on the tip of my... CHARITY -- (fakes left, moves by Snidely on the right, exiting) Good day, Mr Snidely. SNIDELY -- (looks offstage to Charity) Mr Henchman, that woman drives me insane. (spellbound, raises Bible, kisses it, notices what he's kissed, thrusts it at Henchman's stomach) HENCHMAN -- Oooof! SNIDELY -- (looking longingly after Charity) Can't you just see fourteen little Snidelys running around the house with those gorgeous blue eyes and that beautiful smile, Mr Henchman? HENCHMAN -- (hesitates while he exchanges glances between Snidely and Chastity) Yeah, sure, boss, anything you say. SNIDELY -- Mr Henchman, I must have that woman. HENCHMAN -- Then, I got good news for you, boss. SNIDELY -- (looking longingly after Charity) Talk to me, Mr Henchman. HENCHMAN -- There's a meeting of the Deacons at the this here church tonight. (points to church upstage) SNIDELY -- And how does that affect me? HENCHMAN -- I thought it might improve your negotiating position with the fair Miss Goodheart if you was to become a deacon in her church, boss. SNIDELY -- (turns to Henchman, twiddles his handlebar mustache) Keep talking, Mr Henchman. This is beginning to sound interesting. HENCHMAN -- Well, Harley Millburn, from whom I just borrowed this here (holds up Bible) Bible, is a deacon at Charity Goodheart's church. SNIDELY -- But how do I become a deacon? HENCHMAN -- As it happens, boss, Harley Millburn took out a business loan from Farmington National Bank.... SNIDELy -- ...of which I own controlling interest. Go on, Mr Henchman. HENCHMAN -- Well, I just happened to be nosing around the bank the other day while you was foreclosing on some poor old lady's home mortgage, and... SNIDELY -- And? And? HENCHMAN -- And guess who's behind on payments on his business loan? SNIDELY -- Harley Millburn. HENCHMAN -- Whilst I was in his store taking loan of his Bible just now, I happened to mention that his loan was in default. SNIDELY -- Get to the bottom line, Mr Henchman. HENCHMAN -- Harley Millburn says he'll step down and recommend that you be the next deacon at Farmington Community Church. SNIDELY -- Well done, Mr Henchman. (looking longingly after Charity) How could anyone say NO to a deacon? (chuckles) Excellent, Mr Henchman. Excellent. HENCHMAN -- Thanks, boss. Just remember me next time you got your checkbook handy, huh? (stands staring off into the distance, smiling as Snidely exits) SNIDELY -- The lovely Miss Charity Goodheart is as good as mine. (laughs fiendishly as he exits opposite Charity) WILL -- (enters with suitcase, acknowledges applause, crosses to Henchman) Excuse me, sir, could you direct me to... (notices that Henchman is preoccupied) Excuse me, sir, could you direct me to... (waves hand in front of Henchman's face) Excuse me. HENCHMAN -- Huh? Oh, were you talking to me? I was just counting my money. The boss gives me money when he's happy. WILL -- (looks where Henchman was looking) I don't see any money. HENCHMAN -- Oh, ah, I guess I'm not making any sense. WILL -- No, you're not. Was that you cackling like a hen just now? HENCHMAN -- No, that was my boss.(points) He's getting married. WILL -- Lucky man. I'm afraid that marriage is out of the question for me. HENCHMAN -- A handsome dude like you? How so? WILL -- My most fervent wish is to do missionary work around the world. Marriage for a traveling missionary is out of the question, don't you think? HENCHMAN -- Say, you wouldn't happen to know Charity Goodheart, would you? WILL -- No, sir. I'm new in town. I just graduated from seminary and I'm taking a one-week vacation in your lovely town before I begin my ministry. Your wildlife sanctuary is quite famous, you know. HENCHMAN -- 1 Corinthians 7:1. WILL -- Excuse me? HENCHMAN -- 1 Corinthians 7:1. You know it? WILL -- Unfortunately, I do, sir. HENCHMAN -- Unfortunately? Why unfortunately? WILL -- Well, because I have been called to be a traveling missionary, 1 Corinthians 7:1 is my life verse. "It is good for a man not to marry." HENCHMAN -- And you're sure you don't know Charity Goodheart? WILL -- No, sir. Should I? HENCHMAN -- Nevermind. WILL -- Well, the reason I wanted to talk to you.... Can you point me to the Riverside Motel? It's supposed to be on the edge of the wildlife sanctuary. HENCHMAN -- (points to Charity's exit) Yeah, it's straight down Main street and left on River Road. By the way, my boss owns the Riverside Motel. It's a fleabag. (exits opposite) WILL -- (looking down the street, unaware Henchman has exited) It's all I can afford. But I won't be spending much time there anyway. I'll be spending most of my waking hours in the wildlife sanctu.... Where did he go? (moves to exit, turns to Henchman, shouts) Thank you, sir. (turns just in time to bump into Charity) CHARITY -- (enters carrying a bag of groceries, bumps Will lightly) BOTH -- Oh, I'm sorry. No, it was my fault. I wasn't looking... (eyes connect, spellbound)... where ...I ...was ...going. (long pause, both turn a quarter turn from each other self-consciously) CHARITY -- 1 Corinthians 7:1. WILL -- Excuse me? CHARITY -- Nothing. WILL -- You said, 1 Corinthians 7:1, didn't you? CHARITY -- Yes. I'm sorry. I was reminding myself.... WILL -- Isn't that interesting?! We, ah, that gentleman (points) and I, were just talking about 1 Corinthians 7:1 and someone named Charity Goodheart. CHARITY -- That would be me. (turn back to each other in unison, spellbound) WILL -- It is? CHARITY -- Yes. WILL -- Oh. (long pause, both turn a quarter turn from each other self-consciously) WILL -- I'm sorry, I... I'm being rude. I know your name, but you don't know mine. My name is William. William B. Strong. But you can call me Will. CHARITY -- It's nice to meet you, Will. WILL -- Likewise, Charity. CHARITY -- Why were you talking about me? WILL -- I don't remember, really. I think we were talking about the reason I can't get married. CHARITY -- Why can't you get married? (turn back to each other in unison, spellbound) WILL -- I don't remember. CHARITY -- Me either. (long pause, both turn a quarter turn from each other self-consciously) WILL -- (aside) What am I thinking?! Our relationship could never go anywhere. CHARITY -- (aside) What am I thinking?! Our relationship could never go anywhere. WILL -- Unfortunately, 1 Corinthians 7:1 is my life verse. I am sworn to celibacy. CHARITY -- You're a Catholic priest? WILL -- Ah, no. Listen, I have to go. (moves to exit) It was nice running into you. I mean.... (moves to exit, stops, turns at exit for one last look self-consciously, exits quickly) CHARITY -- I know what you mean. Goodbye. (moves to opposite exit, turns at exit for one last look self-consciously, exits quickly) (end of scene) HERO RESCUES CHILD FROM CLIFF ACT 1, SCENE 2 (set: hospital emergency room, Doctor and Nurse are huddled, speaking silently at reception desk) WILL -- (enters carrying small child, stops and nods to audience in response to their cheers, sets child on chair) Excuse me, I believe this little boy needs some medical attention. NURSE -- (hurries to child) Oh, Bobby, you're alright! Your mother called 911 and said you had been stranded on a rock ledge on the edge of a cliff. WILL -- He's fine now. He's just got a sprained ankle. DOCTOR -- (examining ankle) This young man is lucky to be alive! But it looks like you're right. It's just a sprain. NURSE -- (to Will) You're not the regular ambulance driver. WILL -- Oh, ah, I'm not an ambulance driver. I just happened to be in the area when he needed help. NURSE -- So, you were the one who rescued little Bobby? WILL -- I just got him out of harm's way, that's all. Anybody would have done the same thing. I really should go. (turns) (Horace and Martha enter together, Martha runs to child, kneels) MARTHA -- Oh, Bobby, thank the Lord you're alright! DOCTOR -- Apparently, you should also thank the young man there. (points to Will) WILL -- It was nothing. Anybody would have done the same thing. I really should go. (turns) HORACE -- No, please, young man. At least let me shake the hand of the man who saved my son's life. (offers hand) WILL -- (shakes) It was nothing, really. HORACE -- My name is Horace Willard. What's yours? WILL -- William. William B. Strong. But you can call me Will. HORACE -- Thanks from the bottom of my heart, Will. MARTHA -- (hugs Will) Yes, thank you for saving my son. Horace thought sure little Bobby would fall to his death before he could get a rope to him. HORACE -- Yes, how DID you get a rope to him so fast? My farm is right across the road from the cliff, but when I returned with a rope, Bobby was gone. I thought sure he'd fallen to his death. WILL -- Oh, I was real close by. The important thing is nobody got hurt. HORACE -- Yes, but where did you get a rope on such short notice? WILL -- I didn't use a rope. HORACE -- How DID you lower yourself to the ledge? WILL -- Actually, I climbed up from below. MARTHA -- Yes, but there's a swamp down there that they say has a bottomless pit. WILL -- I swim pretty well. HORACE -- You're kidding, right? WILL -- No. Why? HORACE -- Everybody knows that a dozen alligators escaped from the city zoo three years ago and are living in that swamp. MARTHA -- They say they've multiplied. Somebody said there's about thirty alligators in there now. WILL -- Well, fortunately I didn't have to kill any of them. But a couple of them will have a nasty headache for a while. MARTHA -- They actually attacked you? WILL -- Well, not at first. At first they were sleeping. So, I walked on their backs so as not to get the kitten wet. MARTHA -- Kitten? What kitten? WILL -- I had just rescued a kitten from a similar ledge just down stream from there when I saw that the boy was in trouble. When the alligators woke up, I had to set the kitten in the branch of a tree in order to wrestle with the alligators. (snaps fingers) Oh, I have to go back an get the kitten! If you'll excuse me.... (turns) HORACE -- Just one more question. WILL -- (turns back) Yes? HORACE -- You still haven't told us how you climbed up 150 feet of vertical granite rocks without a rope. WILL -- Oh, you get pretty good at it when you do it a lot. MARTHA -- You're a mountain climber? WILL -- Well, actually no. I came out here to the wildlife preserve to rescue animals, put baby birds back in their nests, that sort of thing. HORACE -- So, you climbed that sheer rock cliff with your bare hands? WILL -- (disbelief at their amazement) Fingers, actually. There aren't a lot of crevices in that granite big enough for your whole hand. MARTHA -- Bobby's ankle was sprained. He couldn't climb the cliff. How did you get him up here? WILL -- Oh, I carried him on my back. He's real light. NURSE -- You make it sound like a stroll in the park. WILL -- Well, it was not big deal. I really should go. DOCTOR -- What's that blood on your arm there? Is that from one of the alligators? WILL -- Oh, this? (points) Naw, this was from a rattlesnake that I encountered on the way up the cliff. See ya. (turns) DOCTOR -- (points to empty chair) Please, sit down here. Let me treat that for you. WILL -- Naw. I already cut the wound open with my pen knife and sucked out all the venom. Happens all the time. Listen, I'd love to stay and chat. But I have a kitten waiting for me in a tree down by the swamp. Bye. (exits) (end of scene) VILLAIN BECOMES A DEACON, HEROINE REJECTS HIM AGAIN ACT 1, SCENE 3 (set: church interior, six deacons enter one or two at a time, chatting in low tones, sit in front row of pews) JOSHUA -- (enters, wearing his reading glasses on top of his head, carrying file folder, puts folder on podium) Well, I guess all the deacons are here. This meeting will come to order. (opens file folder) The first of church business is.... (pats all pockets) Now, what did I do with my glasses? I'm blind as a bat without my glasses. Where did I put them? SETH -- Ah, Pastor Goodheart? (points to top of his own head) JOSHUA -- (feels own head, finds glasses) Oh, yes, here they are. I never can remember where I put these infernal things. (puts glasses on) Our first order of business, according to the agenda is the church reroofing fund. Horace Willard, you were in charge of the reroofing project. Do you have a report? HORACE -- (stands) Pastor Goodheart, I don't have to tell you about the plight of farming communities in America today. Commodity prices are down and farm incomes are down, way down. And Farmington is suffering just as much as the rest of the farm communities in America. Our people have given all they can, but we are still $16,000 short of the needed funds to reroof our church. Sorry, Pastor Goodheart. (sits) JOSHUA -- This is dreadful. Every time it rains, we need a dozen buckets to catch all the leaks. What are we going to do? SETH ---- (stands) Perhaps you could make another appeal from the pulpit on Sunday, Pastor Goodheart. (sits) JOSHUA -- We've tried that, Seth. But you can't squeeze blood out of a turnip. Perhaps we'll just have to make do with buckets when it rains for another year. THADDEUS -- (stands) That sort of brings us to my report on the church carpeting, Pastor Goodheart. Those leaks are taking a toll on our carpets. If we don't replace our roof now, by next year we'll have to replace the roof and the carpets too. JOSHUA -- You don't paint a pretty picture, Thaddeus. THADDEUS -- Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Pastor Goodheart. (sits) HARLEY -- (stands) I have some more bad news, Pastor Goodheart. JOSHUA -- Yes, Harley? HARLEY -- I have to step down as a deacon of this church. JOSHUA -- You what? Harley! You helped build this church brick by brick. Why are you stepping down? SNIDELY -- (slinks in opposite from chairs, remains near wings, acknowledges BOOs, to audience) Not now. Can't you see there's a meeting going on? Besides, I have turned over a new leaf. I'm a Christian now, you know. (laughs, lurks as the meeting continues) HARLEY -- I'm stepping down for personal reasons, Pastor Goodheart. But I'm not at liberty to discuss them now. JOSHUA -- Oh, Harley! We're going to miss you, buddy. (sigh) Well, I guess that leaves an opening for a deacon. Does anyone have a nomination for Harley's replacement? HARLEY -- Ah, I'd like to nominate Lucifer Snidely. THADDEUS -- (springs to his feet) Snidely! He's a crook! He swindled me out of my trucking company. SETH -- (springs to his feet) He swindled me out of 40 acres of prime farm land. HARLEY -- He says he has turned over a new leaf and became a Christian. SETH -- A likely story. HARLEY -- That's what he said. He said he's going to settle down and raise a family. THADDEUS -- It's just part of another swindle, I tell you! HENCHMAN -- (sneaks in upstage, crosses to Snidely, carrying a thick envelope) JOSHUA -- Now, fellows, let's not judge what's in a man's heart. Only God can judge that. Our job is to decide whether he would make a good deacon. (Joshua and deacons continue to discuss silently, while Henchman and Snidely speak) SNIDELY -- (grabs envelope) It took you long enough! HENCHMAN -- Sorry, boss. They changed the combination of the safe and I'm a little rusty at safe cracking without dynamite. But it's all there. You can count it. SNIDELY -- No time for that. They're almost ready to take a vote. Are you sure it's going to be a tie vote? HENCHMAN -- Yeah. The only doubt was Caleb Farnsworth. He's squeaky clean and debt free. I couldn't get anything on him until I found out he had a daughter who married an unemployed deadbeat. SNIDELY -- Excellent work, Mr Henchman. What did you dig up on her? HENCHMAN -- Turns out the deadbeat is six month behind on his rent. The two of them was going to be evicted and move in with daddy. But Farnsworth just can't stand his son-in-law. Here's the good part, boss. The deadbeat lives in the Farmington Arms Apartments.... SNIDELY -- ...Which I just happen to own... HENCHMAN -- ...So, when I suggested a way to avoid having them move in with daddy... well, let's just say ole Caleb was grateful. SNIDELY -- Excellent work, Mr Henchman. HENCHMAN -- Thanks, boss. Remember me on pay day, huh? JOSHUA -- Well, if there's no more discussion, I guess it's time to call the vote. All in favor of confirming Lucifer Snidely as our newest deacon raise your hand. (three hands go up) Now, all opposed to the confirmation, raise your hands. (three hands go up) Well, it looks like there's a tie vote... (Snidely and Henchman slap hands in a high five) JOSHUA -- ...And according to the bylaws of our church, I must now cast the deciding vote.... SNIDELY -- (crosses to Pastor quickly) Before you cast your vote, Pastor Goodheart, I have something for you to consider. (Henchman exits) JOSHUA -- Mr Snidely, according to the bylaws, you're not supposed to be present for the voting. SNIDELY -- Nonetheless, I think the contents of this envelope will demonstrate my dedication to this church, Pastor Goodheart. (hands envelope to Pastor) JOSHUA -- (peeks into envelope) There's money in here. Lots of money. SNIDELY -- To be precise, there is $16,000 in that envelope, Pastor Goodheart. JOSHUA -- That's exactly as much as we need to reroof the church. (aside) I have a personal dislike and distrust of Lucifer Snidely. I wouldn't trust him any farther than I could throw the pipe organ. But I must do what is best for the church. SNIDELY -- Yes, well, you have a confirmation vote to take care of. I suppose I'd better be going. (turns to leave) JOSHUA -- That won't be necessary, Mr Snidely. I think you have removed all doubt about your dedication to this church. THADDEUS -- Pastor Goodheart, I beg you not to be swayed by money. Snidely is obviously up to something. JOSHUA -- I think we should let God decide what is in Mr Snidely's heart, Thaddeus. I vote yes. Lucifer Snidely is now a deacon of Farmington Community Church. Congratulations, Mr Snidely. (offers hand) (the three descenting voters exit talking angrily among themselves) SNIDELY -- (shakes) Call me Lucifer, please. CHARITY -- (enters with tray of cookies and coffee, sings) Don't run off everybody. I brought coffee and homemade cookies. (offers the tray first to the audience with a curtsy and acknowledges their AWEs, then sets tray on a pew, turns to exit) JOSHUA -- That's my girl. Always there when you need her. SNIDELY -- Excuse me, Pastor Goodheart. I'd like to have a word with your daughter. (cuts of Charity's exit) Charity, my beautiful rose bud. (Pastor and three remaining deacons each pickup a cup, chat silently for a moment, exit quietly while Charity and Snidely speak) CHARITY -- Mr Snidely, what are you doing at the deacons' meeting? SNIDELY -- (smiles broadly) I am a deacon. CHARITY -- Mr Snidely, it's a sin to tell a lie. SNIDELY -- (shouts to Pastor) Pastor Goodheart, your daughter doesn't believe I'm a deacon. JOSHUA -- (reenters) Quite frankly, neither do I. (to Charity) Yes, my dear, Charity, Mr Snidely was duly elected just a moment ago. (exits) CHARITY -- (politely) Oh, well, in that case, congratulations, Mr Snidely. SNIDELY -- Thank you, my lovely blossom. And now I have a question for you. CHARITY -- Yes, Mr Snidely? SNIDELY -- Call me Lucifer, please, my dear. You and I will be getting SO very close in the future. CHARITY -- We will? SNIDELY -- Yes, now that I am a deacon in your church, I can't think of single reason why you should not marry me. CHARITY -- Mr Snidely, I thought I made it clear to you this morning that I do not intend to marry anyone. My calling is to be a traveling missionary. A traveling missionary's life is no life for a woman with a husband and a family. Now, if you'll excuse me, Mr Snidely... (tries to walk around Snidely) SNIDELY -- (steps into her path) But I just became a deacon for you! CHARITY -- I'm sorry to disappoint you, Mr Snidely. But marriage is out of the question for me. Now, please excuse me. (fakes left, walks around Snidely to the right) SNIDELY -- But... (speaks to Charity's back) I just paid $16,000 for you! (stomps foot) Curses, foiled again! HENCHMAN -- (enters near cookies, picks up cookie, takes a nibble as he crosses to Snidely) So, how'd it go, boss? Did you set a wedding date? SNIDELY -- (grabs Henchman's ear lobe) Maggot! It was your idea to pay the $16,000 dollars. And what did it get me, Maggot? HENCHMAN -- The ear. Ooooo. The ear. SNIDELY -- I'll tell you what I got me, Maggot. I got me nothing, zero, zilch, nada, niet, zip. That's what it got me. She turned me down flat. HENCHMAN -- (in obvious pain, points at ear) I thought you was turning over a new leaf, boss? What about civility and gentility, boss. SNIDELY -- You don't even care, do you? I'm $16,000 lighter and I'm no closer to having Charity Goodheart than before. And you don't care. Maggot! HENCHMAN -- I care. I care. Could you ease up on the ear a little? SNIDELY -- I want to be married and I want 14 children. Is that asking too much, Maggot? HENCHMAN -- No, boss. Can I assume that you've given up on gentility and civility, boss? SNIDELY -- There will be no gentility or civility until you come up with a plan to make Charity Goodheart my wife. HENCHMAN -- Threaten her with a gun? SNIDELY -- Only as a last resort. Keep trying. HENCHMAN -- Kidnap? SNIDELY -- You're getting warmer. HENCHMAN -- Extortion? SNIDELY -- (lets go) You may be on to something, Mr Henchman. Keep talking. HENCHMAN -- Ooooo. It feels so good when it stops hurting. SNIDELY -- You were talking extortion, Mr Henchman. Do you have a plan for me? Or do I have to give you a reminder? HENCHMAN -- (holds hand over ear defensively) I'm thinking. I'm thinking. (paces) We need to threaten her with something she holds near and dear. Charity loves her parents and she loves her church. SNIDELY -- I'm listening. HENCHMAN -- (stops pacing, snaps fingers) What if Charity could prevent her parents were losing their church? SNIDELY -- Keep talking. HENCHMAN -- Last time I looked, the mortgage on Pastor Goodheart's church was held by Farmington National Bank.... SNIDELY -- ...of which I own controlling interest. But the mortgage is not due for ten more years.... HENCHMAN -- ...unless the due date is changed. SNIDELY -- Come with me, Mr Henchman. (escorts Henchman to exit, arm around shoulder) I think we have some details to discuss. (fiendish laughter) (end of scene) HERO RESCUES MOTEL GUEST FROM FIRE ACT 1, SCENE 4 (set: hospital emergency room, Doctor, Nurse huddled around reception desk) WILL -- (enters with arm around victim wrapped in blanket) Excuse me. This poor lady needs some medical attention. (Doctor, nurse scramble to assist, sit woman in chair, begin taking vital signs, Will takes a step toward audience, nods to acknowledge applause) NURSE -- You smell like smoke. Was there a fire? WILL -- Yes, at the Riverside Motel. DOCTOR -- We have the police scanner on all the time. We didn't hear about any fire. WILL -- The motel manager is on the Farmington Volunteer Fire Department. He said that the fire engine is on the fritz. So, we put the fire out ourselves. DOCTOR -- You put the fire out yourself? WILL -- Sure. DOCTOR -- Was it serious? WILL -- Naw. Listen, the little lady inhaled a little too much smoke. I think all she'll need now is a little inhalation therapy. (cough, cough) I really should be going. NURSE -- What about you? It sounds like you inhaled a some smoke yourself. WILL -- I'll be fine. I really have to be on my way. (cough) NURSE -- What's you're hurry? The fire's out, isn't it? WILL -- Well, yes, but, I have to get to the stores before they close. So, if you'll excuse me. DOCTOR -- At least let us treat those cuts on your arm there. WILL -- Oh, I can treat those myself. The motel has a first aid kit. DOCTOR -- How did you get those cuts? WILL -- It was my own fault. I did it when I broke the window. DOCTOR -- Did you have to break a window to fight the fire? WILL -- No, to escape. DOCTOR -- Escape? Escape from what? WILL -- It's a little involved. It was nothing really. DOCTOR -- This is your second rescue while I've been on duty. Please don't minimize it this time. WILL -- Well, by the time I revived the victim, the fire had spread, blocking our exit. So, I had to break the bathroom window and take her out that way. NURSE -- You had to revive her? WILL -- Well, yes, of course, she was unconscious and had stopped breathing. So, I gave her mouth to mouth resuscitation. She'll be fine now. I really should go before the stores close. NURSE -- What stores? Why do you need to go to the store? WILL -- Well, her room was on the second floor. I had to tear up the sheets from the bed to make a rope to lower her to the ground. I have to replace the sheets. And I need to stop by the lumber yard to pick a few things too. DOCTOR -- What do you need from the lumber yard? WILL -- Well, it's kind of a long story and... DOCTOR -- The stores don't close for an hour. I would really like to hear this. WILL -- Well, the fire is out and nobody got burned. What's the big deal? DOCTOR -- I'm dying to know why you have to go to the lumber yard. WILL -- Well, it's a little involved. DOCTOR -- Please, indulge us. WILL -- Well, I heard a scream from the second floor above me. See, I'm staying at the Riverside Motel. NURSE -- We know. The whole town knows now. Wait till I tell the folks at church about this. Two daring rescues in one shift! DOCTOR -- Go on, please. You heard screams. WILL -- Yes, so I ran up the stairs, pounded on her door and shouted, but noone answered. So, I kicked in the door. That's why I have to go to the lumber store. I just ruined the door. NURSE -- I'm sure the motel will pay for the door and the sheets, especially since you put out the fire. DOCTOR -- Don't be so sure. That motel is owned by that ruthless villain, Lucifer Snidely. WILL -- The motel manager said the owner would make him pay for all the damage, including the two doors. NURSE -- TWO doors? WILL -- Yes, the little lady apparently retreated from the fire, locked herself in the bathroom and then passed out. I had to kick in the bathroom door too. Made a real mess of it. Well, I guess you know the rest. I'll be going now. DOCTOR -- Just tell us how you put out the fire? WILL -- I just used water. That's all. DOCTOR -- (to nurse) I'll just bet it was more involved than that. NURSE -- (to Will) Please, tell how you put the fire out. WILL -- Well, there were no fire extinguishers around and none of the lawn sprinkler hoses were long enough to reach the second floor, so I had to run around and collect all the hoses from around the motel and connect them end to end. I even had to run next door to the gas station and borrowed their hose. DOCTOR -- (to Nurse) What did I tell you? WILL -- (snaps fingers) Ooo, I almost forgot. I have to stop by the auto supply store before they close. NURSE -- I can't wait to hear why you have to stop by the auto supply store after a fire. WILL -- Well, with all those hoses end to end the water pressure to the second floor was real low. So, I fixed up a connection through the water pump of the motel manager's car. DOCTOR -- You used the water pump from his car to pump the water to put out the fire? WILL -- Yeah. It worked just fine. But I'm afraid I made a mess of his radiator hoses. DOCTOR -- Shear genious. WILL -- So, if you'll excuse me. I have to go to the lumber store to buy some wallboard and fiberglass. DOCTOR -- Wallboard? Why do you need wall board and fiberglass? WILL -- Well, the fire was caused by an overheated space heater. I warned the motel manager that the space heaters were inadequately insulated. But he said that the owner wouldn't pay to make them safer. So, while I'm at the lumber store, I might as well buy enough wallboard and fiberglass to insulate all the other heaters in the motel. It shouldn't take more than a day or two to retrofit them all. It's the least I can to after all the damage I caused. Take care of the little lady. I'll see you later. (end of scene) HEROINE'S FATHER SIGNS A BOGUS CHURCH MORTGAGE CONTRACT ACT 1, SCENE 5 (set: Snidely's office) SNIDELY -- (enters, steps to edge of stage to acknowledge BOOs) Is that any way to greet a deacon of Farmington Community Church? (crosses to desk) HENCHMAN -- (enters, crosses to Snidely, hands him folded paper) You would have been proud of me boss, I stole the mortgage right from under his nose. He didn't even know I was there. SNIDELY -- Good work, Mr Henchman. (looks at watch) Oh, he'll be here any minute. Are you ready? HENCHMAN -- Yes sir, boss. SNIDELY -- The timing has to be perfect on this. Do I make myself clear, Mr Henchman. HENCHMAN -- (instinctively protects own ear) Perfectly clear, boss. You can count on me. SNIDELY -- Just as long as we understand each other. HENCHMAN -- You know, there's no way this scheme can fail, boss. SNIDELY -- How so, Mr Henchman? HENCHMAN -- Well, in the end you'll either have Pastor Goodheart's daughter or his church. SNIDELY -- Mr Henchman, a church is lousy income property. If I end up with a church instead of the fair Miss Charity Goodheart, you will be in big trouble. Do I make myself clear, Mr Henchman? HENCHMAN -- (instinctively protects own ear) Perfectly clear, boss. SNIDELY -- (sees Joshua coming, whisks Henchman away with hand) Here he comes. Out! JOSHUA -- (enters, wearing glasses on top of head) Your secretary called me and told me you had an urgent need to see me, Mr Snidely. SNIDELY -- Yes, please, come in, come in, Pastor Goodheart. And, please, call me Lucifer. (offers hand to Pastor) After all, I'm a deacon in your church now. We can be on a first name basis, no? JOSHUA -- (shakes) Yes, of course, by all means. You can call me Joshua. (aside) Frankly, I think Snidely is up to something. But if he thinks he can get any money from me, he's badly mistaken. I am as poor as a church mouse. SNIDELY -- (points to chair) Please, sit down. JOSHUA -- I'm a little nervous about this, Mr S..., ah, Lucifer. (sits) Your secretary sounded so serious. SNIDELY -- Well, it is a serious matter, in that it's a legal matter, Joshua, but we're friends now, so I feel certain we can work things out. JOSHUA -- She said it has to do with the mortgage on my church? SNIDELY -- Yes. My secretary asked you to bring in your copy of the mortgage document so we could make a copy of it. JOSHUA -- May I ask why? SNIDELY -- Yes, of course. The due date on our copy of the mortgage document shows that your mortgage was to be completely paid off at the end of this month. JOSHUA -- That's impossible. It was a twenty year mortgage and it's only ten years old. SNIDELY -- I was sure that was the case, Joshua. I'm sure it was just a typographical error. All we need to do to correct the error is to make a photocopy of your copy of the document and we'll all be happy. Did you bring your copy? JOSHUA -- Well, actually, no, I didn't. SNIDELY -- You didn't? JOSHUA -- I'm sure I filed the mortgage in the bottom drawer of my file cabinet with my other legal papers. But when I went in to find it this morning, the mortgage contract was gone. SNIDELY -- That's odd. Maybe someone took the document without telling you. (raises eye brows to audience) JOSHUA -- That's impossible. I have the only key to that particular file cabinet. I looked everywhere. My copy has just disappeared. SNIDELY -- Well, I'll be.... (raises eye brows, sneers at audience) JOSHUA -- Will that be a problem, Mr Snidely? SNIDELY -- Call me Lucifer, please, Joshua. We're friends now. We can make this problem go away with just the stroke of a pen. JOSHUA -- We can? SNIDELY -- Certainly. I'm always prepared for such contingencies. I had my secretary prepare two new copies of the document with the revised date, one for you, and one for me. (louder, looking obliquely toward Henchman offstage) Did you bring your glasses, didn't you, Joshua? JOSHUA -- (pats pockets) Yes, I'm sure I brought them, where did I put them? (pats head, finds them, removes them, holds them out) Yes, here they are! HENCHMAN -- (takes one step onto the stage, drops two baking pans on floor, one on top of the other, exits) JOSHUA -- (drops glasses on desk, turns) What was that? SNIDELY -- (picks up Pastor's glasses, pockets them, just before Joshua turns back to him) Oh, I have a repairman here to work on the air conditioning. It's nothing. Now, where were we? Oh, yes, you were about to sign the revised contract. (hands pen to Pastor) Here you go. JOSHUA -- (takes pen) Thank you. (looks around, pats pockets, pats head) Now, where did I put my glasses? SNIDELY -- I don't know. Did you bring them with you, Joshua? JOSHUA -- I was sure I brought them with me. But I never can remember where I put those infernal glasses and I can't see thing without them. SNIDELY -- Not a problem, Joshua. This contract is identical to the old document except for the revised date. All we need is your signature (points to bottom of page) right on this line here. JOSHUA -- Yes, of course. (signs) SNIDELY -- (hands Joshua large envelope) Very good. And I've signed your copy here in this envelope. You can take this with you. JOSHUA -- Yes. Thank you, Lucifer. (they shake hands) SNIDELY -- No problem, Joshua. That's what friend are for. I'll see you tomorrow morning in church. Bye bye. JOSHUA -- (exiting) I would have sworn I brought my glasses. HENCHMAN -- (enters as Joshua rushes by, turns) Oh, Pastor Goodheart. The hospital called and said your wife was in an auto accident. JOSHUA -- (reenters) She was?! HENCHMAN -- Yeah, they said the car was totalled, but don't worry, your wife is fine, they're taking her to the hospital just to be on the safe side. JOSHUA -- Oh, dear! (exits) HENCHMAN -- (speaks softly) Piece of cake, huh, boss? SNIDELY -- Mr Henchman, I don't recall anything in our plan about hospitalizing Viola Goodheart. HENCHMAN -- Oh, I didn't do that, boss. But now that I think about it, it wasn't such a bad idea. The distraction will keep him from looking at the date on his new mortgage until you make the big announcement tonight. (chuckles) Not bad, heh? SNIDELY -- Like taking candy from a baby, Mr Henchman. I hope you like wedding cake! (laughs fiendishly as they exit together) (end of scene) HERO RESCUES HEROINE'S MOTHER FROM CAR CRASH ACT 1, SCENE 6 (set: hospital emergency room, Doctor, Nurse huddled around reception desk) WILL -- (enters with arm around Viola wrapped in blanket) Listen, I hate to keep you folks so busy, but I think this lady has been shaken up a bit. (Doctor, nurse scramble to assist, sit Viola in chair, begin taking vital signs) NURSE -- Viola, are you alright? Viola? (pats Viola hand gently) DOCTOR -- This town is lucky you came along, young man. The sheriff said this woman would be dead now if you hadn't rescued her when you did. WILL -- Naw, I just pulled her out of her car and brought her here, that's all. I really should be going. DOCTOR -- You can't go until I treat that burn on your arm. WILL -- This? Oh, this is nothing. I can treat it myself. I really should be going. NURSE -- What's your hurry? I'm sure the TV news people will be here in a few minutes. You're a real hero, you know. WILL -- I really should be going. There's nobody around to tend to the cow. NURSE -- Cow? What cow? WILL -- Well, this little lady had her accident because a cow wandered onto the river road right into the path of her car. DOCTOR -- Are you going to have to put the cow out of it's misery? WILL -- No. From what I could see, the car swerved enough that the bumper only hit the cow in the left rear leg. There's no evidence of a compound fracture. But she's limping pretty badly. I need to go back and put a split on the leg. DOCTOR -- You have training in veterinary medicine? WILL -- No. But I have been rescuing animals since I was a kid. I really should be going. NURSE -- How is it you have burns but Viola doesn't? Is this left over from last night's motel fire? (points at Will's forearm) WILL -- No. I wrapped her in a blanket when the car caught on fire. NURSE -- The car caught on fire? WILL -- Yes, the gas tank ruptured when the car ran off the cliff. NURSE -- The car ran off the cliff? WILL -- Fortunately, it landed in a tree which cushioned the impact, so she didn't get badly injured. I couldn't detect any broken bones, could you? DOCTOR -- No. Just a couple of bruises. VIOLA -- Moo. NURSE -- What did you say Viola? VIOLA -- Moo. DOCTOR -- There's no evidence of concussion. I think she's having a hysterical reaction to hitting the cow. VIOLA -- Moo. WILL -- Well, I guess I'll leave her in your capable hands. (turns) CHARITY -- (enters, runs to Viola) Mother are you alright? (kneels in front of Viola) VIOLA -- Moo. DOCTOR -- Your mother is fine. But she's apparently having a hysterical reaction to crashing her car into the cow. WILL -- That's your mother? CHARITY -- (stands, turns) Why, yes, are you... (freezes, slack jawed) WILL -- (also smitten) Hello. CHARITY -- Hello. NURSE -- You two have apparently already met. DOCTOR -- When would he have time? He's done nothing but rescue people since he got into town. WILL -- (in a trance) Your mother will be fine. CHARITY -- (in a trance) She will? WILL -- Yes. CHARITY -- Oh. DOCTOR -- I'd really like to hear about the fire. CHARITY -- Fire? What fire? WILL -- It was nothing. DOCTOR -- The gas tank ruptured. WILL -- Yes. (long pause) DOCTOR -- Would you like ME to tell the story? WILL -- Huh? (out of trance) Oh, ah, no. I should be going. The cow needs a splint on it's leg. (turns) CHARITY -- I'd like to hear about the fire. Were you burned? WILL -- (turns back, looks at forearm) It was nothing. It was my own fault. A spark from the cutting torch set it off. ALL -- Cutting torch? DOCTOR -- You didn't tell us about a cutting torch. WILL -- It's a long story. I really should be going.... CHARITY -- Please. Tell me about it. WILL -- Well, I climbed down the cliff and climbed up the tree to help the victim... CHARITY -- ...My mother... WILL -- Yes, to help your mother out of the car. But the impact with the tree bent the car so the doors wouldn't open. So, I kicked the rear window in. But, the victim... CHARITY -- ...My mother... WILL -- Yes, but your mother was pinned by the steering wheel. And when I tried to free her, she let out a moo. VIOLA -- Moo. WILL -- So, I climbed down the tree, I climbed up the cliff and ran to the gas station next to the motel and borrowed their cutting torch. Then, I ran to the motel and stripped the blankets and sheets off both beds in my room and lowered it all down the cliff using the hoses as a rope. CHARITY -- Hoses? What hoses? WILL -- Oh, I had assembled a bunch of hoses to fight the fire last night. CHARITY -- There was a fire last night too? NURSE -- I'll tell you all about it later. You won't believe it. DOCTOR -- Please, go on. You lowered the cutting torch... WILL -- And the sheets and blankets. That reminds me, I owe the motel some new sheets and blankets. This is getting to be a very expensive vacation. DOCTOR -- Please get back to the rescue. The cutting torch is now at the base of the cliff... WILL -- Yes. Then I climbed down the cliff, climbed up the tree with the torch and the blankets... DOCTOR -- You climbed up a tree with a full size acetylene tank? WILL -- Yes, of course. A cutting torch has an oxygen tank too, but they're both on a dolly with wheels. DOCTOR -- As if that would help you climb a tree. WILL -- Anyway, I was almost finished cutting the door off the car, when a spark from the torch ignited the leaking gasoline, so I had to wrapped the victim... CHARITY -- ...My mother... WILL -- Yes, I wrapped your mother in blankets, to keep her from getting burned, then I finished cutting the door off the car and then I cut the steering wheel away from the victim... CHARITY -- ...My mother... WILL -- From your mother. Anyway, in the mean time, she stopped mooing and fainted and couldn't climb down the tree. So, I had to tear up more sheets to tie around her and to use as a rope to lower her down the tree, then I carried her up the cliff over my shoulder. That's really all there was to it. NURSE -- You climbed up a sheer cliff with an adult over your shoulder? WILL -- Well, she's not all that heavy. DOCTOR -- (points to the back of Will's neck) You have a piece of glass embedded in the back of your neck there. Sit down a minute and let me remove it for you. WILL -- (feels glass) Oh, that. I'll get that later. It's nothing. NURSE -- Is that from kicking in the rear window of the car? WILL -- No, as soon as I climbed down from the tree, the car fell out of the tree and exploded. ALL -- The car exploded!? WILL -- Oh, don't worry. The victim... CHARITY -- ...My mother... WILL -- Yes, don't worry, your mother was still wrapped in the blankets, so she wasn't injured at all from the flying glass. Listen, I hate to be unsociable, but I should be going. (turns to exit) JOSHUA -- (enters) Is this the young lad who rescued my wife? ALL -- Yes. JOSHUA -- What's your name, young man? WILL -- William. William B. Strong. You can call me Will. CHARITY -- (together) William. William B. Strong. You can call him Will. JOSHUA -- (shakes his hand) Will, I'm Joshua Goodheart, pastor of Farmington Community Church. I'd love to honor you at my church service tomorrow. WILL -- I was planning on going to your church, sir. But there's no reason to make a fuss. JOSHUA -- Nonsense! The sheriff said you saved my wife's life. (kneels in front of Viola) How are you doing, sweetheart? VIOLA -- Moo. WILL -- (snaps fingers) Oh, that reminds me. I really should be going. (exits) The cow needs me. VIOLA -- Moo. (end of scene) HEROINE'S FATHER DISCOVERS HE'S BEEN DUPED ACT 1, SCENE 7 (set: pastor's study, Joshua is seated at desk, poking calculator clumsily and holding papers at arm's length, trying to read them without his glasses) VIOLA -- (enters wearing bath robe, yawns, stretches) Good morning, Joshua. JOSHUA -- (stands, hugs Viola) Well! You're awake! VIOLA -- Why is it so dark out this morning? JOSHUA -- It's not morning. It's evening. You slept all afternoon. VIOLA -- I did? JOSHUA -- Yes. How are you feeling, Viola? VIOLA -- What do you mean, how am I feeling? I feel fine? Why shouldn't I feel fine? JOSHUA -- Because of your accident. VIOLA -- Accident? What accident? I didn't have an accident. JOSHUA -- Oh, no, you don't remember. VIOLA -- Remember? Remember what? JOSHUA -- The doctor said you might not remember. He said you have.... what did he call it again? Post... Post traumatic stress disorder. You were in an auto accident. You don't remember anything about it? VIOLA -- No. I was wondering where I got the bruises on my arm and leg. So, why don't I remember anything? Was it a bad accident? Did I damage the car? JOSHUA -- (feeling the temperature of her head and cheek) The doctor said you were so upset by the accident that you might lose your memory. The car was completely destroyed. VIOLA -- Oh, I'm sorry! JOSHUA -- Oh, don't worry about it, Viola, dear. It wasn't your fault. Horace Willard's cows got out of his pasture and one of them wandered into the path of your car. VIOLA -- Oh, please don't tell me that I killed a cow! Moo! (covers mouth) What was that? JOSHUA -- (holds Viola in his arms) Oh, please don't worry about the cow, Viola darling. She's fine. But the doctor said that you were probably convinced that you'd killed the cow and that's why you have what he called vocalizations. VIOLA -- Vocalizations? JOSHUA -- Yes. The doctor said that's it's likely that the vocalizations will continue for the next few days whenever you're under stress. So, it's important that we keep you calm for a few days. VIOLA -- Is that why you're doing my job here? (points at desk) JOSHUA -- Yes, I'm not nearly as good at bookkeeping as you are, my dear. But I know how upset you get when it comes time to pay the bills. VIOLA -- You should be preparing your sermon for tomorrow, Joshua, not doing my bookkeeping. Maybe I can just help you get organized. JOSHUA -- Viola, honey, the doctor said no stress for you for the next several days. VIOLA -- (begins shuffling papers) Well, how stressful can it be to just get you organized? JOSHUA -- Viola, honey, it will probably be stressful for you just looking at all the bills. But perhaps what you can do is help me find my glasses. I misplaced them this morning. And I haven't been able to find them since. VIOLA -- You and those glasses! Well, let's see. (searches under piles of papers) When I was doing the bookkeeping last, you laid your spare pair of glasses here on the desk. (holds up glasses) Here they are. JOSHUA -- (puts on glasses) Thank you, my dear. VIOLA -- Now let me just put these bills in order... (pauses, reads each bill) the water bill. Oh, no, they've raised the rates on us again. Moo. JOSHUA -- Viola. Please! VIOLA -- And the electric bill. Moo. Oh, look at the gas bill! Moo. JOSHUA -- I wonder what our dear daughter is doing in the kitchen. (points, taking Viola's arm) VIOLA -- We're in debt, aren't we, Joshua? JOSHUA -- (pause) Yes. VIOLA -- (louder) Moo. JOSHUA -- See, I knew you'd be upset. Why don't you go help Charity in the kitchen? She's baking 42 dozen cookies for the African Missionaries' bake sale. VIOLA -- What's this letter from the bank here? JOSHUA -- What letter? VIOLA -- This letter from the bank. You haven't opened it yet. (opens letter) JOSHUA -- Well, it can't be the mortgage statement. That doesn't come until the end of the month. VIOLA -- (reads) This is to inform you that your final mortgage payment... (to Joshua) FINAL payment? We still have ten years left on the mortgage. Look how much we owe. (points) JOSHUA -- ...look at all those zeros... VIOLA -- Moo. JOSHUA -- Viola, honey, let me explain. This was a mistake. I corrected it this morning while you were driving off the cliff. VIOLA -- Moo. JOSHUA -- I'm sorry. What I mean is, the reason I got to the hospital so quickly is because I was down at the bank, straightening out this mess. Lucifer Snidely warned me that the bank's copy of the mortgage had the wrong date on it. And we straighten it all out. VIOLA -- You did? JOSHUA -- Yes, it's all taken care of. There's absolutely nothing for you to worry about. VIOLA -- (point at contract) So, the mortgage is not due at the end of the month as it says here? JOSHUA -- No. I signed a new contract this morning. The new contract is right here in this envelope. (lifts envelope from table) VIOLA -- New contract? JOSHUA -- Well, it's kind of a long story. But everything is fine now. Really. VIOLA -- Joshua, did you look at the contract? JOSHUA -- Well, sure, I signed it and everything. VIOLA -- Joshua, you said you misplaced your glasses this morning. I think I should look in that envelope. I don't trust Lucifer Snidely any farther than I can throw the pipe organ. CHARITY -- (enters, wearing apron and oven mitts, carrying tray of cookies and milk, acknowledges audience AWEs with curtsy, crosses to Viola, Joshua) I thought I heard voices. It's good to see you up, Mother dear. VIOLA -- Good morning, Charity. CHARITY -- Good morning? Mother, it's evening. You slept all afternoon. Father, has Mother still not recovered from the accident? VIOLA -- Charity, I'm fine. Your father already corrected me about the time of day. I'm just a little upset that we're not doing very well financially. CHARITY -- Mother, dear, I baked 42 dozen cookies for African missionaries bake sale. Here, have a cookie and some milk. It will make you feel better. VIOLA -- (one arm around Charity, one hand on a cookie) Charity, dear, I don't know what we would do without you. JOSHUA -- (stands on other side of Charity, one-arm hug, takes cookie) That goes double for me, Charity. I shall miss you when you become a traveling missionary. But our loss will be their gain. (door chime) CHARITY -- Who could that be? Were you expecting someone on church business tonight, Father? JOSHUA -- (shrugs) No. I'm not expecting anyone. (smiles) Perhaps it's that handsome young fellow from the hospital. CHARITY -- (bright smile) Will?! VIOLA -- Will? Who's Will. I don't know any Will. CHARITY -- Will Strong is the gorgeous hunk... I mean, Will Strong is the man who rescued you from the auto accident, Mother. (pushed tray at Joshua) Here hold this. I'll get the door. (removes oven mitts) JOSHUA -- The folks at the hospital said that Charity and Will were sweet on one another. CHARITY -- (exiting) Oh, don't be silly, Father. I don't have time for romance. (returns immediately removing apron, adjusts hair) How do I look? (exits without waiting for answer) JOSHUA -- (smiles at Viola) She doesn't have time for romance. CHARITY -- (backing onstage) Oh, it's you. LUCIFER -- (enters) Well, hello there, my lovely blossom. (acknowledges audience BOOs) VIOLA -- Moo. JOSHUA -- Charity, can you take your Mother to her room? LUCIFER -- (to Charity) Don't go away. This will just take a moment! (helps himself to cookie, waves it seductively along Charity's face) Now that's once sweet cookie! VIOLA -- Get on with it, Mr Snidely. I know you have some bad news for us. JOSHUA -- It's about the letter from the bank, isn't it? LUCIFER -- Yes, it was a dreadful error, for which I am truly sorry. Your mortgage deadline is definitely at the end of this month. JOSHUA -- See? What did I tell you, Viola? There's nothing to worry about. Nothing at all. LUCIFER -- Ahem . . . . No, no, no, the mortgage is most certainly not due at the end of the month. The fact is, Pastor Goodheart, that the mortgage is due at the end of next week! JOSHUA & CHARITY -- Oh, no! VIOLA -- Moo. LUCIFER -- Thursday night at midnight to be exact. VIOLA -- Moo. JOSHUA -- Mr Snidely, we just signed a new mortgage correcting that problem this morning. I have a copy of the contract right here. (opens envelope) See? (turns pages) See here? "the balance of the mortgage is due and payable...." Oh, no! VIOLA -- (looking on) Moo. CHARITY -- We're going to lose the church, aren't we, Father? VIOLA -- Moo. JOSHUA -- Charity, honey, take your mother to bed and give her two of those pills the doctor gave us. VIOLA -- Moo. (moos continuously until offstage) CHARITY -- Yes, Father. (exits, arm around Viola) JOSHUA -- Well, Mr Snidely, you own just about everything else in this town. By Friday of next week you will own my church as well. I hope you're proud of yourself. SNIDELY -- I don't want your church, Pastor Goodheart. JOSHUA -- You don't? SNIDELY -- No, a church is lousy income property. All it's good for is.... (nauseated) CHURCH. JOSHUA -- Then, what DO you want? SNIDELY -- I'm glad you asked. What I want is your daughter as my wife and the mother of my fourteen children. JOSHUA -- You can't be serious. SNIDELY -- I'm quite serious, Pastor Goodheart. JOSHUA -- I can't just bargain away my daughter as chattel. Anyway, she would never marry you. SNIDELY -- Oh no? Here she comes. Ask her. JOSHUA -- No, I'm not going to ask her. CHARITY -- (enters) Ask me what, Father? JOSHUA -- Charity, dear, I don't think you should even be in on this discussion. It is I who was duped. It is I who should pay the price. CHARITY -- What price? What's going on? JOSHUA -- Mr Snidely is being completely unreasonable. He... SNIDELY -- ...I don't think it's unreasonable to offer you way to save your church. Do you, my dear Charity? CHARITY -- There's a way to save the church? JOSHUA -- Charity, honey, don't you have some baking to do for the African missionaries? CHARITY -- No, Father, my baking is all done for the day. How can we save our church? JOSHUA -- You don't want to hear this. CHARITY -- Yes, I do. SNIDELY -- (together) Yes, she does. JOSHUA -- (slumps into chair) Very well. (covers head with hands) SNIDELY -- The offer I made your father is quite simple, my pretty flower. Your father can keep his church if you will agree to marry me. JOSHUA -- Charity, my darling baby Charity, please say no. CHARITY -- Yes. JOSHUA -- Oh, no! SNIDELY -- (to audience) Don't you love it when a plan comes together? JOSHUA -- (stands) Charity, please reconsider. CHARITY -- Father, this community needs this church for spiritual sustenance and growth. JOSHUA -- Yes, but Charity, your heart's desire has always been to be a traveling missionary. You can't just throw that away. CHARITY -- I have to think of the greater good, Father. SNIDELY -- Well spoken, Charity, my pretty rose bud. And as luck would have it, your father is a pastor. He can marry us right now. (reaches for Charity) JOSHUA -- (grabs Snidely's wrist, steps between them) Not so fast, Mr Snidely, we have until Thursday night at midnight. By then, anything could happen. SNIDELY -- Very well, if you want to delay the inevitable, have it your way. But, I will come back here Thursday night to collect either the keys to your church or your daughter's hand in marriage, Pastor Goodheart. (nose to nose) Just be prepared to perform a marriage ceremony. (exits laughing) (end of scene) CONGREGATION RALLIES TO SAVE THEIR CHURCH ACT 1, SCENE 8 (set: church interior, the entire congregation is seated in pews, main characters are seated nearest audience) (sound of door opening) CHARITY -- (springs to feet, rushes to exit, reenters backward) Oh, it's you. HORACE -- (enters with Martha) Sorry to disappoint you, dear. CHARITY -- I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude. It's just that... MARTHA -- You were waiting for that nice young man who rescued your mother, weren't you? CHARITY -- Well, I thought maybe he would know what to do in this time of tragedy. HORACE -- What tragedy? CHARITY -- Father will explain it to you. You haven't seen Will, have you? He said he'd be here today. HORACE -- I don't think he'll be here any time soon. Last I saw of him, he was down on river road giving mouth to mouth resuscitation to a pilliated woodpecker. CHARITY -- Oh. (hangs head) (all sit, as Pastor enters) JOSHUA -- Brothers and sisters, it is with a heavy heart that I announce to you a tragedy in the making. VIOLA -- Moo. ALL -- (grumble) JOSHUA -- Brothers and sisters, because I ignored warnings from Brother Thaddeus and Brother Seth, I have put the future of this church in jeopardy. VIOLA -- Moo. ALL -- (grumble) JOSHUA -- Brothers and sisters, I was so blinded by the need to reroof this church building that I made a deacon of a man whom I now know is an agent of the Devil himself, Lucifer Snidely. VIOLA -- Moo. ALL -- (grumble) JOSHUA -- Brothers and sisters, because I entered into an unholy alliance with an agent of the devil, the bank will foreclose on the mortgage on our church at midnight on Thursday night. VIOLA -- Moo. ALL -- (grumble) JOSHUA -- Next Sunday, Brothers and sisters, this congregation will have no place to meet. (tearful) And it's all my fault. VIOLA -- Moo. ALL -- (grumble) HARLEY -- (stands) Don't blame yourself, Pastor Goodheart. That heartless villain, Lucifer Snidely, manipulated us all. CALEB -- (stands) Yes, Pastor Goodheart, you were not the only one who Snidely used and tossed aside. This entire town has been victimized by him. JOSHUA -- Nonetheless, it was I who signed the contract that got us into this mess. And it is I who will resign as your pastor. VIOLA -- Moo. (stands and Moos all the way to exit) CHARITY -- (stands and helps Viola to exit) Calm down, Mother. Everything will be alright. ALL -- (grumble) SETH -- (stands) Absolutely not, Pastor Goodheart. You can't leave. THADDEUS -- (stands) We need you now more than ever. JOSHUA -- But why? We don't have a church anymore. CHARITY -- (reenters) A church is not a building, Father. A church is people dedicated to the Lord. And people need a leader. SETH -- We're behind you, Pastor Goodheart. THADDEUS -- Yes, we're behind you all the way. ALL -- (stand, nod and grumble their individual affirmations) CHARITY -- You just tell your people what to do, Father, and they'll do it. JOSHUA -- (dries eyes) I'm speechless. I... I... don't know what to say. THADDEUS -- Say you'll stay on and be our Pastor. JOSHUA -- Well, let's assume that we'll be a congregation, whether we have a building or not. Agreed? ALL -- (nod, grumble affirmations) JOSHUA -- Then, I'll agree to stay on and be your Pastor. ALL -- (nod, grumble affirmations, sit) JOSHUA -- The next thing we should do is see what we can do to keep this building from going into foreclosure. Lucifer Snidely gave us $16,000 to reroof the church. I think we could apply that toward the mortgage, but that leaves us tens of thousands of dollars short of the needed amount to pay off the mortgage. SNIDELY -- (sneaks in with Henchman, remains near wings, acknowledges BOOs) Shshshsh. It's not polite to booo in church. (puts figure to lips, points to Pastor, turns to Pastor, with pencil to clipboard, taking notes, whispers to Henchman, as each person stands, speaks) JOSHUA -- Well, does anybody have any ideas where we can get tens of thousands of dollars to pay off our mortgage before Friday? CHARITY -- Well, I can't give tens of thousands, but I know how to bake cookies. I'll bake cookies and sell them in front of the supermarkets. I'll bake cookies until the oven breaks down. ALL -- (cheer) JOSHUA -- That's my girl! Who else is willing to sacrifice? HORACE -- (stands) Well, I'll give what I can. You all know I planted my north forty with corn this year. And I'll pledged the entire crop to the church mortgage fund. ALL -- (cheer) HARLEY -- (stands) Wait a minute, Horace, you won't be able to harvest that crop for weeks yet. We need the money this week. (sits) HORACE -- Well, my credit rating is real good. The bank is always after me to borrow money from them. I figure the 40 acres of corn is worth a $2000 cash advance, at least. (sits) ALL -- (cheer) JOSHUA -- Who else has something to give to our mortgage fund? SETH -- (raises hand) JOSHUA -- Seth Wickum? SETH -- Well, as you all know I raise the best beefs in the business. I pledge twelve head of my finest beef cattle to the church mortgage fund. ALL -- (cheer) JOSHUA -- What do you figured those cattle to be worth, Seth? SETH -- At current prices they'll probably fetch $3500 at auction. ALL -- (cheer) JOSHUA -- Who else? Thaddeus? THADDEUS -- You all know I been saving money to buy a new tractor to replace my ole John Deere. But, if I'm faced with a choice between putting off buying a new tractor and losing my church, well, the choice is obvious. The church comes first. ALL -- (cheer) JOSHUA -- How much you figure you got in the bank, Thaddeus? THADDEUS -- $4100. (sits) ALL -- (cheer) MYRTLE -- (stands) Well, if Thaddeus can delay buying a tractor, the least I can do is delay buying my new car. I'll give my $2900 savings. (sits) ALL -- (cheer) WILMA -- (stands) I guess I got no excuse. I'll give my $3300 savings. (sits) ALL -- (cheer) ETHEL -- (stands) Well, I can sell my late husband's hand-carved ivory chess set. That ought to fetch close to $4000. (sits) ALL -- (cheer) JOSHUA -- Alright, the rest of you, you've got the idea. You know what you have to do. Go home, turn your assets into cash and bring the cash in your offering envelopes to Wednesday night's midweek service. (pause) Let's see if we can save our church! ALL -- (stand and cheer) (end of scene) (end of Act 1) VILLAIN SABOTAGES ATTEMPTS TO PAY OFF THE MORTGAGE ACT 2, SCENE 1 (set: church interior, the entire congregation is seated in pews, main characters are seated nearest audience) (sound of door opening) CHARITY -- (springs to feet, rushes to exit, reenters backward) Oh, it's you. HORACE -- (enters with Martha) Sorry to disappoint you again, dear. CHARITY -- I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude. It's just that... MARTHA -- (somber) Will Strong should be along any minute. CHARITY -- He will? MARTHA -- Yes, he said he just had to drop off a baby rabbit at the veterinarian. How did your bake sale go today? CHARITY -- (turns as they go by) Fine, I made over $200 again today. (turns back toward exit, bumps into Will) WILL -- (enters, removes hat, acknowledges audience applause modestly, backs into Charity) BOTH -- (turn) Oh, I'm sorry. No, it was my fault. No, I wasn't looking where I was going. (hypnotized) JOSHUA -- (enters) Well, let's get started, did you all bring in your offering envelopes? WILL & CHARITY -- (find an end seat, sit, never taking eyes off one another) ALL -- (all raise envelopes) Yes, sir. Here it is. I got mine. Right here. JOSHUA -- Let's begin with Horace Willard. Horace? HORACE -- (stands) You all know I planted my north forty with corn. And I pledged the entire 40 acres of corn to the church mortgage fund. ALL -- (cheers) HORACE -- Well, I went to the bank the other day and they told me that they would advance me $2300 against the harvest of that crop. ALL -- (cheers) JOSHUA -- So, you brought us a check for $2300? HORACE -- No. JOSHUA -- No?! HORACE -- No. Somehow that despicable villain Lucifer Snidely found out that I had pledged the money to the mortgage fund and the bank withdrew the cash advance. JOSHUA -- Well, there's more than one bank in this county, Horace. HORACE -- That's right, Pastor Goodheart. When I got turned down at Farmington National Bank took my business over to the bank in Greenville. JOSHUA -- So, how much is in your envelope, Horace? HORACE -- Nothing. VIOLA -- Moo. ALL -- (awe) JOSHUA -- What happened, Horace? HORACE -- Well, as soon as the bank promised me the advance, Lucifer Snidely, who owns the property upstream from me, dammed up the stream that runs through my property. Now my crop won't get any water. And somehow the bank found out about it and withdrew their offer. (sits) VIOLA -- Moo. ALL -- (awe) JOSHUA -- Well, there's lots of folks left in our congregation. Who else had something to give to our mortgage fund? Seth Wickum? SETH -- (stands) Well, as you all know I pledged twelve head of my finest beef cattle to the church mortgage fund. ALL -- (cheers) JOSHUA -- You figured those cattle to be worth $3500, didn't you, Seth? SETH -- Yes sir. ALL -- (cheers) JOSHUA -- So, how much did they fetch at the auction, Seth? SETH -- Nothing. JOSHUA -- Nothing?! SETH -- Nothing. VIOLA -- Moo. ALL -- Awe. JOSHUA -- Why not? SETH -- Couldn't get 'em to auction. That despicable villain Lucifer Snidely owns the only trucking company in town and I'm sure it's no mere coincidence that all his trucks suddenly developed mechanical problems. (sits) VIOLA -- Moo. ALL -- (awe) JOSHUA -- This is terrible. Well, I see other envelopes here. Thaddeus Wilson, you pledged cash, didn't you? THADDEUS -- (stands) Yes sir, I did. ALL -- (cheers) JOSHUA -- Tell everybody again how much cash you pledged, Thaddeus. THADDEUS -- $4100 that I was saving for a new tractor. ALL -- (cheers) JOSHUA -- Well, sir, there is no way Lucifer Snidely could keep you from giving cash to the mortgage fund. THADDEUS -- Yes, he could and he did. VIOLA -- Moo. ALL -- (awe) JOSHUA -- I don't understand. THADDEUS -- I don't know how he knew I was coming, but when I got to the bank to draw out my money, that ruthless villain Lucifer Snidely, who owns a controlling interest in the bank, told me that all the money was in the vault and the vault was locked and the lock was broken. He said it would be Friday before a vault expert could come and open it. (sits) VIOLA -- Moo. ALL -- (awe) JOSHUA -- And Friday just happens to be the day after the mortgage is due. MYRTLE -- (stands) He told me the same thing. (sits) VIOLA -- Moo. ALL -- (awe) WILMA -- (stands) Me too. (sits) VIOLA -- Moo. ALL -- (awe) JOSHUA -- What about you, Ethel Lambert? Didn't you say that your late husband's hand-carved ivory chess set was worth over $4000? ETHEL -- (stands) Yes, I did. ALL -- (nod encouragement) ETHEL -- But when I got home from church on Sunday, the chess set was gone. (sits) ALL -- (grumble) JOSHUA -- There must be somebody who has good news to share. Charity? You've got some good news for us, don't you? CHARITY -- (stands, strolls to the podium) Yes, I had a bake sale three days in a row. I averaged $200 a day. In this envelope is $603.26. (lays envelope on podium, flirts with Will all the way back to her chair) ALL -- (cheer) JOSHUA -- (opens envelope) I don't know how to tell you this, my dear Charity, but your envelope is empty. CHARITY -- (stands) Empty? ALL -- (grumble) JOHSUA -- There's got to be somebody in our congregation with some good news. Raise your hand if you have a contribution to make. ALL -- (dead silence, heads down) VIOLA -- Moo. (stands, MOOs continually as she exits) CHARITY -- (stands, helps Viola offstage) Mother, calm down. Everything will be just fine. Mother. ALL -- (grumble) THADDEUS -- It was Lucifer Snidely, I tell you. SETH -- He's right. You can bet your bottom dollar, Lucifer Snidely is behind all of this. HARLEY -- Why, that dirty low down good for nothing... JOSHUA -- Harley, there's no use in adding sin to injury. Snidely has defeated us. I guess beginning Sunday we'll be meeting in the city park. CHARITY -- (reenters) No, Father. We won't. JOSHUA -- Charity, honey. We don't have any other choice. CHARITY -- (moving to podium) Yes, we do, Father. You've got to tell them. JOSHUA -- No, baby, it's out of the question. CHARITY -- Father, please. (takes over podium, as Pastor backs away) What Father didn't tell you is that Lucifer Snidely gave us a way out. JOSHUA -- Charity, no. ALL -- (grumble) CHARITY -- It's the only way, Father. Brothers and Sisters, Lucifer Snidely engineered this entire disaster so he could marry me. ALL -- (grumble) JOSHUA -- Charity, I'm begging you. Don't do this. CHARITY -- Mr Snidely said he would not take the church if I agreed to marry him. ALL -- (grumble) ETHEL -- You're not really going to marry that ogre, are you, my dear? CHARITY -- It is better to sacrifice one for the good of many. I will marry Lucifer Snidely. (weeps) ALL -- (grumble) SNIDELY -- (enters) Well, this is a church and the witnesses are all assembled. Let's have a wedding. (laughs, sneers at audience) JOSHUA -- Mr Snidely, you are truly a despicable human being. SNIDELY -- Yes, I suppose I should resign as deacon of the church. I tell you what, I'll resign right after the wedding. Let's begin the ceremony. (reaches for Charity) JOSHUA -- (grabs Snidely's arm, steps between them) Not so fast, Mr Snidely. We still have over 24 hours to pay off the mortgage. SNIDELY -- Oh, please! What possible chance do you have to pay off a mortgage without any money? (long pause) WILL -- (stands) There is a way out that we apparently haven't tried yet. SNIDELY -- Who is this young upstart? WILL & CHARITY -- William. William B. Strong. CHARITY -- He put out the fire in your motel. SNIDELY -- Oh, so he's the one who destroyed two perfectly good doors and a window. WILL -- I replaced the doors and the window, sir. JOSHUA -- Mr Snidely, is that any way to talk to the man who saved your motel from certain destruction? SNIDELY -- I should be grateful? That motel is insured for twice what it's worth. I would have made a fortune if this meddler hadn't interfered. JOHSUA -- Mr Snidely, a woman almost died in that fire. SNIDELY -- Jeepers. JOSHUA -- Mr Snidely, you have a heart of stone. I will never allow my daughter to marry you. So, why don't you just leave? SNIDELY -- I will leave, but you're just on putting off the inevitable, Pastor Goodheart. Tomorrow night is your deadline and I shall be back to collect either the keys to your church or your daughter's hand in marriage. And from what I can see, you'd better be prepared to perform a marriage ceremony. (exits laughing) JOSHUA -- Will Strong, did you say you knew a way out of this dilemma? WILL -- Well, sir, I haven't heard anyone talk about it tonight. JOSHUA -- Well, share it with us, man! What's our way out? WILL -- Prayer. JOSHUA -- Did you say prayer? WILL -- Yes, prayer. JOSHUA -- Young Will is right, brothers and sisters. I regret to say we at Farmington Community Church have been trying to do the Lord's work without the Lord. Prayer has always been the best tool for fighting evil, but I'm ashamed to say we fought the battle without prayer and we lost. WILL -- It's not too late, Pastor Goodheart. THADDEUS -- I hate to be pessimistic, young lad, but we have just over 24 hours remaining before we lose the church to foreclosure. What possible good can come from prayer at this late date? WILL -- The Lord works in wondrous and mysterious ways. I will stay here and pray for your church all night if you'll allow me. (kneels) CHARITY -- I'm ashamed to say that, though I fancy myself as a prayer warrior, I was so busy making cookies that I didn't even think of praying. But if an outsider is willing to pray for our church, I will certainly join him. (kneels next to Will) JOSHUA -- I invite all of you to stay as long as you can to pray for the Lord to save our church. Then, we will all meet here tomorrow night for what might be our last meeting in this church. Let us pray. (kneels next to Charity) (end of scene) HERO AND HEROINE DISCOVER THEIR IDENTICAL LIFE GOALS ACT 2, SCENE 2 (set: church interior, the church is empty except for two deacons who are sitting in pews and the Goodhearts and Will, who are still kneeling, facing audience, as the scene begins, the deacons yawn, stand and exit, patting Joshua on the shoulder. He does not respond) VIOLA -- (enters, wearing robe and slippers, as deacons exit, taps Joshua) Joshua, wake up. Joshua. JOSHUA -- Huh? VIOLA -- Wake up. You're asleep. JOSHUA -- Oh, so I was. Well, I guess all the recent late nights have finally caught up with me. (yawns) Viola? What are you doing up? VIOLA -- I had a flashback of that black and white cow right in the path of my car. CHARITY -- Mother! You remember that!? VIOLA -- Yes. CHARITY -- Well, that's wonderful! That means you're recovering from the post traumatic stress disorder. JOSHUA -- I must admit I haven't spent all my time tonight praying for the mortgage fund, my dear. This may be an answer to my prayers. CHARITY -- Mine too! WILL -- Mine too. VIOLA -- Well, thank you all for your prayers everybody. If the Lord answers your prayers for the church as well as he has for my affliction, we might have a chance against Lucifer Snidely. (yawns) JOSHUA -- (yawns) Well, I suppose us old folks should get a little rest. (stands, looks around) Well, it looks like I'm not the only one who ran out of gas. The place is empty. CHARITY -- Well, I'm staying here with Will to pray. (yawns) Maybe I should take a break though. (stands, hugs Viola) Good night, Mother, dear. VIOLA -- Good night, sweetheart. CHARITY -- (hugs Pastor) Good night, Father dear. JOSHUA -- Good night, Charity. JOSHUA & VIOLA -- Good night, Will. (exit) WILL -- Good night. (looks at watch) Well, I'm afraid it's a bit too late for good night. It's 3:30 in the morning. (yawns, stands) I suppose I should take a break too. (turn to face each other in unison, freeze, hypnotized) CHARITY -- Maybe I should make us some coffee. WILL -- No, thank you. I'll be fine. CHARITY -- Oh. WILL -- Can I get you anything? CHARITY -- No, thank you. I'll be fine. WILL -- Oh. (turn a quarter turn from each other in unison) WILL -- Charity? CHARITY -- Yes, Will? WILL -- I have a confession to make. CHARITY -- I have a`confession too. WILL -- You do? CHARITY -- Yes. WILL -- Well, let me tell you my sin first, then you can tell me yours. CHARITY -- Okay. WILL -- For the last half hour I haven't been praying for the church or the mortgage fund or anything like that. CHARITY -- You haven't? WILL -- No. CHARITY -- Were you praying for my mother? WILL -- I must confess that I wasn't even praying for her. CHARITY -- Me either. WILL -- I feel that if I don't confess this and get it out of my way, my prayers for your church will be hampered. CHARITY -- Me to. WILL -- (deep breath) How shall I say this? Well, here goes. I asked the Lord to release me from a commitment I made to him. CHARITY -- You did? WILL -- Yes. CHARITY -- So did I. WILL -- I mean, I didn't ask him to release me from ALL my commitments to him. I asked him to release me from just one. CHARITY -- Me to. WILL -- Remember I told on the first day we met, that 1 Corinthians 1:7 was my life verse.... CHARITY -- ...Me too... WILL -- ...because I believed that what the Lord called me to do for my life mission was incompatible with marriage. CHARITY -- It is good for a man NOT to marry. WILL -- That's what I thought. I was sure that verse was put in the Bible just for me. But now I'm not so sure. CHARITY -- Me either. WILL -- But now... well, how can I say this? Well, I'm still committed to serving the Lord... CHARITY -- Me too. WILL -- And I'm not sure how the Lord could possibly work this out... CHARITY -- Me either. WILL -- ...But I have to come right out and ask you. CHARITY -- Yes? WILL -- How committed are you to YOUR life mission? I mean is it possible that you could... maybe change your life mission? CHARITY -- I'm sorry Will, I'm deeply committed to being a traveling missionary, but... WILL -- You are? Me too! (both turn to each other in unison) CHARITY -- You are? WILL -- Yes! CHARITY -- So, that's why you took a vow not to marry? WILL -- Yes. You too? CHARITY -- Yes. WILL -- Oh, dear! (turns away) CHARITY -- What's the matter? WILL -- I have been rehearsing in my head for the last twenty minutes how I could talk you into being a traveling missionary with me. But, I haven't given a single thought how I was going to ask you... how I was going to ask you... CHARITY -- ...to marry you? WILL -- Yes. CHARITY -- Yes. WILL -- Yes? CHARITY -- Yes. WILL -- Yes? CHARITY -- Yes. WILL -- Wait a minute. Things like this have never come this easy to me before. CHARITY -- You never prayed about it before. WILL -- So, you'll marry me? CHARITY -- Oh, yes! Yes! (they hold hands) WILL -- Oh, Charity, you have no idea how happy you've made me! CHARITY -- Yes, I do. (holds her mouth in the shape it was in from the word DO) WILL -- (leans forward slowly in anticipation of a kiss) CHARITY -- (faces audience) What am I doing? I promised to marry Lucifer Snidely. WILL -- (grabs her hand) Come with me. CHARITY -- Where are we going? WILL -- We have a lot of work to do. I'll explain on the way. (both exit) (end of scene) CONGREGATION SEES ANSWERS TO THEIR PRAYERS ACT 2, SCENE 3 (set: church interior, the entire congregation and Will are seated in pews, main characters are seated nearest audience) JOSHUA -- (enters reluctantly, head down, deep breath) Well, let's get started. (looks up) Well, why are you all smiling? Is there something I don't know? Horace? HORACE -- Well, as you all know, I pledged 40 acres of corn to the church's mortgage fund. And the bank was going to advance me $2300 against the harvest of that corn. JOSHUA -- Yes, but that was before that villain Lucifer Snidely dammed up your stream and cut off your water supply. ALL -- (grumble) JOSHUA -- So, why are you smiling, Horace? HORACE -- During the wee hours of the morning this morning, a mysterious stranger was seen in the area and a short time later the dam on Lucifer Snidely's property mysteriously collapsed. ALL -- (cheer) JOSHUA -- So, you brought us a check for $2300? HORACE -- No. ALL -- (grumble) HORACE -- For some unknown reason, the price of corn futures rose sharply on the commodities exchanged today. Greenville bank advanced me $3400! (passes check to Viola) ALL -- (cheer) JOSHUA -- Praise the Lord! ALL -- Yes sir. Praise the Lord. My sentiments exactly. Uh huh. Praise him. JOSHUA -- Seth Wickum, you're smiling too. What do you have to smile about? SETH -- Well, as you all know I pledged twelve head of my finest beef cattle. JOSHUA -- You figured those cattle to be worth $3500. But they're useless to us unless you can get them to the auction. SETH -- Well, a funny thing happened. A mysterious stranger was seen in the area of the truck terminal in the wee hours of the morning this morning and suddenly all the trucks are now working. ALL -- (cheer) JOSHUA -- So, you got your cattle to auction? SETH -- Yes sir! ALL -- (cheer) JOSHUA -- So, how much did they fetch at the auction, Seth? SETH -- Well, there's another funny thing. The price of beef went through the roof today. (holds up envelope) Here's a check for $5612. (passes it to Viola) ALL -- (cheer) JOSHUA -- Praise the Lord. ALL -- Yes sir. Praise the Lord. My sentiments exactly. Uh huh. Praise him. THADDEUS -- I don't know who that mysterious stranger is, but whoever he is, he showed up at the bank first thing this morning. JOSHUA -- Don't tell me, he opened the vault. THADDEUS -- He did. ALL -- (cheer) THADDEUS -- Turns out I had interest due me on my savings account. JOSHUA -- So, you brought more than $4100? THADDEUS -- (holds up envelope) Here's $4367. (passes it to Viola) ALL -- (cheer) JOSHUA -- Praise the Lord. ALL -- Yes sir. Praise the Lord. My sentiments exactly. Uh huh. Praise him. MYTLE -- (holds up envelope) I drew out $517. (passes it to Viola) ALL -- (cheer) JOSHUA -- Praise the Lord. ALL -- Yes sir. Praise the Lord. My sentiments exactly. Uh huh. Praise him. ETHEL -- (holds up envelope) Well, I don't know how it got there. But that hand-carved ivory chess set suddenly appeared in my parlor this morning. He's a check for $6000 (passes it to Viola) ALL -- (cheer) JOSHUA -- Praise the Lord. ALL -- Yes sir. Praise the Lord. My sentiments exactly. Uh huh. Praise him. WILMA -- (holds up envelope) And here's $2789. (passes it to Viola) ALL -- (cheer) JOSHUA -- Praise the Lord. ALL -- Yes sir. Praise the Lord. My sentiments exactly. Uh huh. Praise him. CHARITY -- (stands) I don't know how this happened, because I haven't even seen this mysterious stranger that you all talked about. But I just reached into my pocket and there was an envelope with $603.26. (holds envelop high until she drops it into Viola's box) VIOLA -- (stands holds up pad and pencil) According to my calculations, that puts us over the top! ALL -- (cheer) JOSHUA -- Praise the Lord. ALL -- Yes sir. Praise the Lord. My sentiments exactly. Uh huh. Praise him. VIOLA -- Wait. We haven't even heard from the rest of you. It's possible that we'll be able to not only pay off the mortgage, BUT ALSO reroof the church as well! ALL -- (cheer) JOSHUA -- Well, I think it's obvious who the mysterious stranger was. It was the same man who rescued my wife from an auto accident. HORACE -- (stands) He also saved my boy from falling to his death. ETHEL -- (stands) It was my sister he saved from the fire at the Riverside Motel. JOSHUA -- Brothers and Sisters, please give a round of applause to the hero of Farmington, Will Strong. ALL -- (cheer) WILL -- (pushed by those around him, stands, moves to pulpit, holds up hands, all sit) I thank you all kindly for you adulation. And I won't deny that the Lord put me in situations where I could save peoples lives. But the mysterious stranger you all spoke about... that wasn't me. (starts toward is seat) ALL -- (gasp and mumble) JOSHUA -- (grabs Will's arm) That's just like you, Will, to minimize your heroism. But we all know that there is noone else in this whole town capable of doing the miraculous things that happened this morning. ALL -- (nod, mumble) WILL -- Well, I sure wish I could take credit for the things that happened today. But the mysterious stranger wasn't me. ALL -- (mumble) JOSHUA -- Your joking right? Charity, honey, you need to help us give credit where credit is due. After your mother and I went off to bed last night, did Will Strong leave the church at all? CHARITY -- (stands, walks to podium) Yes, father, he did. JOSHUA -- See? What did I tell you? ALL -- (mumble) CHARITY -- But I went with him. JOSHUA -- So, you saw Will Strong do all those miracles all over town? CHARITY -- No, Father, Will and I went up to Highland Park overlooking the town. Will had me point out the homes and farms of each person who pledged money to the mortgage fund. We prayed for each person and each pledge and asked the Lord to fulfill each pledge in a miraculous way, a way that would leave no doubt in anyone's mind that the Lord answered our prayers. JOSHUA -- Then, all the miracles this morning really were answers to our prayers? WILL & CHARITY -- YES! ALL -- (grumble affirmations) JOSHUA -- Then, who was the mysterious stranger? WILL & CHARITY -- An angel of the Lord. ALL -- (grumble affirmations) JOSHUA -- So, Will did nothing but pray all night? CHARITY -- Well, not ALL night. JOSHUA -- I knew it! Tell us what else he did. CHARITY -- Will asked me to marry him and I said YES! ALL -- (cheer) BOBBY -- (enters running) Here comes Lucifer Snidely! ALL -- (silent) SNIDELY -- (enters, laughs fiendishly, acknowledges boos, turns to Pastor) Well, Pastor Goodheart, I see our congregation is assembled one last time to say goodbye to their church building. JOSHUA -- Well, that was originally why we assembled, Mr Snidely, but... SNIDELY -- Well, then, Pastor Goodheart, (motions broadly to the congregation) and congregation, let me make this as painless as possible. Either hand over the money you owe me, or hand over the innocent and lovely Miss Charity Goodheart to be the mother of my fourteen children. (laughs fiendishly to audience) VIOLA -- (picks up cardboard box overflowing with envelopes, hands it to Joshua) JOSHUA -- (offers box to Snidely) Here's the money. SNIDELY -- What?! JOSHUA -- You said, either hand over the money or my daughter. So, here's the money. Don't you want it? SNIDELY -- That's impossible! I stole all the... I mean, yesterday you were all penniless. Where did you get enough money... This is a hoax! Let me see some of those envelopes. (pulls two envelopes from box, peeks inside) They're stuffed with money! VIOLA -- Not that we don't trust you, Mr Snidely, but could you sign this receipt that says the mortgage is PAID IN FULL? (offers receipt and pen to Snidely) ALL -- (cheer) SNIDELY -- (sneers at congregation, then at audience, signs receipt, snatches box from Pastor, to audience) Curses! Foiled again. (exits) ALL -- (cheer as Snidely exits) JOSHUA -- I don't think we've seen the last of that ruthless villain. SETH -- I hope he falls and breaks his neck. THADDEUS -- I hope he dies a slow agonizing death. ALL -- (nod and grumble in affirmation) JOSHUA -- People, please, listen to me. We shouldn't curse our enemy. We should be praying for him. CHARITY -- (steps out of pew) Father is right, everybody. The Bible says to pray for your enemies. WILL -- I for one am going to pray for Lucifer Snidely. (kneels) HARLEY -- What good will that do? HORACE -- Yeah, Snidely is a hopeless cause. CHARITY -- You're wrong, Mr Willard. Nothing is hopeless with the Lord. I'm going to pray for Lucifer Snidely too. (kneels next to Will, they join hands) JOSHUA -- Alright, everyone, you're all invited to stay and pray with us again. This time we'll pray for Lucifer Snidely. Let us pray. (kneels next to Charity) (end of scene) VILLAIN PLOTS LAST ATTEMPT TO COERCE HEROINE ACT 2, SCENE 4 (set: church exterior) HENCHMAN -- (enters strolling, hands in pockets) SNIDELY -- (follows) Maggot! HENCHMAN -- (turns) Oh, hi ya, boss. Shall I order the wedding cake? SNIDELY -- (thrusts box at Henchman, grabs Henchman's ear) You traitor. There's not going to be a wedding. HENCHMAN -- (in pain) Oooo. Aaah. Traitor?! What did I do? SNIDELY -- I don't know what you did, Maggot, but Farmington Community Church just paid off their mortgage. HENCHMAN -- Oooo. Aaah. That's impossible, boss. We had them all shut down, remember? SNIDELY -- Then, how did they pay off their mortgage? HENCHMAN -- I think it was that new guy, Will Strong. SNIDELY -- Will Strong? That young upstart who cost me a fortune by putting out the fire at the motel? HENCHMAN -- Yeah, that's him. SNIDELY -- (lets go) Tell me what you know. HENCHMAN -- He done other heroic stuff too, boss. He saved some kid from falling off a cliff and he saved the preacher's wife from a car crash. He's a regular miracle man. I'm sure he had something to do with them paying off the mortgage. SNIDELY -- He's new in town, Mr Henchman. Why would he pay off Joshua Goodheart's mortgage? HENCHMAN -- Ain't you heard, boss? Will Strong and Charity Goodheart got the hots for each other. SNIDELY -- Mr Henchman, this is not good news. Do you know what happens when I don't hear good news? HENCHMAN -- (hand covers ear, backs away) It all depends on how you look at it, boss. SNIDELY -- (follows, threatening Henchman's ear) Mr Henchman, I fail to see how Charity Goodheart's falling in love with another man could possibly be good news for me. HENCHMAN -- Well, boss, Charity Goodheart said she would marry you to save her father's church. Right? SNIDELY -- You may recall that strategy was a miserable failure, Mr Henchman. HENCHMAN -- That's because you gave them a way out, boss. SNIDELY -- (stops) I'm listening, Mr Henchman, but the hope of having a wife and 14 little Snidelys is growing dimmer with every passing moment. And I'm losing my patience. (shouts) Get to the point! HENCHMAN -- Maybe Charity Goodheart would marry you to save her her boy friend's life. SNIDELY -- She's only known him for a week, Mr Henchman. What if she doesn't love him that much? HENCHMAN -- Maybe Charity Goodheart would marry you to save her her boy friend's life AND her father's church. SNIDELY -- You're getting warmer. But I want absolute assurance. No way out this time. HENCHMAN -- Maybe Charity Goodheart would marry you to save her her boy friend's life AND her father's church AND her father's life AND her mother's AND the lives of the entire congregation. SNIDELY -- Now you're getting there, Mr Henchman. Just how do you propose to do that? HENCHMAN -- It's something I learned as a spin-off from the safe cracking business, boss. If you threaten people with a little dynamite and they'll cave in like a house of cards. SNIDELY -- (arm around Henchman's shoulder as they exit) Mr Henchman, you might just have an idea there. Charity Goodheart will be mine at last. (fiendish laughter) (end of scene) VILLAIN SAYS "MARRY ME OR I'LL BLOW UP THE HERO" ACT 2, SCENE 5 (set: church interior, congregation is asleep in pews, Joshua, Will and Charity on floor wake up first, Will is wearing a straight jacket with a dozen of sticks of dynamite attached) WILL -- Oh, what hit me? CHARITY -- Oh, my head. What happened? Will, why are you wearing that straight jacket? WILL -- Charity, you'd better clear the people out of here. Somebody has planted dynamite on me. CHARITY -- Dynamite! WILL -- (whispering) Quiet! You'll panic the people. ALL -- (groan, sit up) SETH -- Oh, what hit me? THADDEUS -- I'll bet Lucifer Snidely had something to do with this. SNIDELY -- (enters, fiendish laughter, to audience) It's not polite to boo at a wedding. (to congregation) Welcome to my wedding ladies and gentlemen. JOSHUA -- (awakens last) I might have known you'd be involved with this, Lucifer Snidely. (stands) SNIDELY -- Aren't you going to congratulate me on the day of my wedding, Pastor Goodheart? JOSHUA -- Who are you marrying? SNIDELY -- Why, your daughter, of course. WILL -- Charity, get everybody out of the church right away. CHARITY -- I can't leave you. WILL -- Charity, do as I say. You're all in danger. JOSHUA -- My daughter would never marry you. CHARITY -- (stands) Yes, I would, Father. SNIDELY -- See? What did I tell you? (chuckles) JOSHUA -- Charity, what are you thinking? CHARITY -- Father, if I don't marry Lucifer Snidely, something terrible will happen. JOSHUA -- What are you talking about, girl? CHARITY -- Somehow, Lucifer Snidely put us all to sleep while we were praying last night and... HENCHMAN -- (enters, sprays from an aerosol can briefly into the air) Just a half a can of sleeping gas into the heating ducts and it's good night congregation. (laughs, coughs, fans air to get rid of the spray fumes) JOSHUA -- Why? Why would you put us to sleep, Mr Snidely? CHARITY -- So he could attach a straight jacket and twelve sticks of dynamite to Will Strong's body. JOSHUA -- Dynamite?! ALL -- (stand, panic, grumble, but remain near their seats) SNIDELY -- (holds remote control over head) Stay right where you are! ALL -- (gasp, freeze) SNIDELY -- You're all invited to the wedding. Sit down. ALL -- (sit in unison like trained seals) SNIDELY -- That's better. ALL -- (grumble) SNIDELY -- Quiet! ALL -- (quiet) SNIDELY -- This is a wedding. Show a little respect for the bride and the groom. JOSHUA -- You can't get away with this, Snidely. SNIDELY -- Why not? You daughter already said she'd marry me. Let's begin the ceremony. THADDEUS -- How do we know you're not bluffing, Snidely? HARLEY -- Yeah, how do we know the dynamite is real? SNIDELY -- My associate, Harold Henchman, made his living blowing up safes and vaults before he entered my employ. I assure you, Mr Henchman is quite adept with explosives. Would you like a demonstration? (points remote control at Will) ALL -- (all but Will and Charity, duck and cover away from Will, gasp) SNIDELY -- I thought not. Now shall we begin the wedding ceremony, Pastor Goodheart? JOSHUA -- (stands tall, pause) No. ALL -- (gasp) SNIDELY -- What did you say? JOSHUA -- We prayed for you last night, Mr Snidely. SNIDELY -- You what? JOSHUA -- We prayed for you. The Lord says to pray for our enemies. So we prayed for you. If I have learned anything from Will Strong during the last week, I've learned that the Lord answers prayers. And I believe the Lord answered our prayers by bringing you here to church. SNIDELY -- Charity, my dear, you'd better talk some sense into your father, before I blow your boyfriend to smitherines! (points remote control at Will) ALL -- (all but Joshua, Will and Charity, duck and cover away from Will, gasp) CHARITY -- (stands tall, pause) No. ALL -- (sit up, gasp) CHARITY -- First of all, you're not going to blow up this church while you're still inside of it. Second, I don't believe that the Lord will let you blow it up at all. I believe that as surely as I believe the Lord sent Will Strong to marry me. VIOLA -- (stands tall) ...as surely as the Lord sent Will Strong to save my life. HORACE -- (stands tall) ...as surely as the Lord sent Will Strong to save my son from falling to his death. ETHEL -- (stands tall) ...as surely as the Lord sent Will Strong to save my sister from the motel fire. JOSHUA -- (stands tall) ...as surely as the Lord saved this church from foreclosure. It doesn't make sense that the Lord would save this church only to let you blow it up, Mr Snidely. SNIDELY -- That's enough of this God-talk! Either Charity Goodheart marries me or I blow up this church and everyone in it. ALL -- (stand tall) BOBBY -- Go ahead, push the button. We're not afraid of you. SNIDELY -- Just a second. Time out. (grabs Henchman's ear, drags him to the front lip of the stage) HENCHMAN -- Oooo! Aaaah! The ear. Not the ear, boss. SNIDELY -- Maggot! You said if I threatened them with dynamite they would cave in like a house of cards. Isn't that what you said, Maggot? HENCHMAN -- Yeah, boss, but these is not your average people. They're Christians. I never tried it with Christians before. SNIDELY -- This is why I hate Christians. They're always the goody-goodies who mess things up. Alright, Maggot, you got us into this. You get us out. What do we do now? HENCHMAN -- Well, boss, I suggest you settle for a non-Christian wife. SNIDELY -- (lets go of Henchman's ear, looks over at Charity) Look at her, Maggot. Charity Goodheart is the most beautiful specimen of femininity in the entire county. Why did she have to be a Christian? (sigh) Very well, I suppose you're right, Maggot, she's a lost cause. If dynamite won't change her mind, nothing will. But what do we do about them? (points over shoulder to congregation) HENCHMAN -- The cops don't take kindly to terrorism, boss. SNIDELY -- Are you saying what I think you're saying? HENCHMAN -- You can't leave any witnesses, boss. You got to dust them all. SNIDELY -- Dust them all. HENCHMAN -- Punch their ticket. (points to remote control) SNIDELY -- (chuckles) Not a bad idea, Maggot, one push of a button and all the Christians in Farmington disappear. (chuckle, pause, nose to nose with Henchman) Maggot, are you sure this thing works? HENCHMAN -- Boss, how could you ask such a thing? I'm fifteen years in the business without a single dud. SNIDELY -- (exits backward to exit with Henchman, shouts) Alright, everybody, if you want to die, then die you shall. In just a moment, Farmington, Iowa will finally be rid of you goody-goody Christians. (only his hands and the remote control remain visible as he pushes the button dramatically) (pause) SNIDELY -- (one step on stage) Maggot, did you put batteries in this thing? HENCHMAN -- (one step on stage) Yeah, boss. I even tested it in the gravel pit. It works, I tell you. SNIDELY -- Very well, I shall try again. (exits, except for hands, pushes button dramatically, pause, one step on stage) Curse foiled again. (exits) ALL -- (cheer, surround Will and Charity, help Will out of his straight jacket, help Will and Charity into wedding costumes for the next scene) HENCHMAN -- (enters with remote control, pushing button repeatedly) Wait a minute. Let me see that dynamite. This has never happened to me in 15 years of blowing up safes and vaults. (takes straight jacket and dynamite, exiting) I'll never be able to show my face around any prison in America again if this doesn't work. (boom, puff of smoke blows in from exit) (end of scene) THE WEDDING ACT 2, SCENE 6 (set: church interior, entire congregation is seated, Will & Charity, dressed in wedding attire) JOSHUA -- And now, by power vested in me by the State of Iowa, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. (Will & Charity lean in to kiss. Will notices audience is looking, hides behind his top hat while he kisses Charity) ALL -- (cheer) JOSHUA -- Viola dear, I know this wedding was on rather short notice. But do we have any wedding cake to feed our guests? VIOLA -- Why, yes, the Bible College sent over two new seminary students to help with the catering. (shouts to exit) Bring in the refreshments, boys. HENCHMAN -- (enters, wearing frilly apron, carrying a tray of drinks) Alright, everybody, sparkling cider is served. Praise the Lord. (main characters take a glass) SNIDELY -- (enters, wearing frilly apron, carrying wedding cake, smiling) I used Charity Goodheart's prize winning cake recipe. Didn't it turn out lovely? Praise the Lord. ALL -- (raise glasses to the audience) Praise the Lord! (wedding march plays throughout curtain call, actors bow in boy-girl pairs, exit through audience with much flirting) (end of play) ©2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected] BACK |