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HUSBAND  6'2m?f Marriage and divorce: husbands, love your wives

(scene: marriage counselor's office or two chairs facing each
other)

BOB -- (enters cautiously, looks around) Hello? Hello? Well,
looks like nobody's here. I guess I'll just forget about it.
(turns, almost bumps into Doc)

DOC -- (enters) Hi, you must be Bob.

BOB -- I didn't tell you I was coming. How did you know my...

DOC -- You're wife just left about five minutes ago. She
described you to a tee. (offers hand) My name is Doctor...

BOB -- (turns away) Oh, yeah? Well, I have a thing or two to say
about her too.

DOC -- Good. Have a seat.

BOB -- I didn't mean now. I don't have an appointment.

DOC -- You're wife said you were coming...

BOB -- Yeah, I know it was short notice. (turns) Let me know
when you have an opening.

DOC -- She made an appointment for you.

BOB -- (freezes, doesn't turn) She did?

DOC -- Yes. She said you'd probably come during your lunch hour.
So, I put you on my calendar. Have a seat. (points to chair)

BOB -- I don't know. I'm pretty busy...

DOC -- This won't take long.

BOB -- Listen, thanks anyway. (turns) I'm just not prepared to
spend two years in therapy....

DOC -- This will only take five minutes.

BOB -- (turns, pauses, looks at watch) Five minutes?

DOC -- Your wife brought me up to speed on what's going on in
your marriage. So,...

BOB -- Did she tell you about how she nags me?

DOC -- Yes, she did.

BOB -- She did?

DOC -- Yes, have a seat. (points to chair)

BOB -- Well, alright. (sits) But, I'll tell you right up front.
The only reason I came here was to go through the motions. As
far as I'm concerned, the marriage is dead.

DOC -- Yes, she told me you'd say that.

BOB -- She did?

DOC -- Yes. I guess all we have to work out is your exit
strategy.

BOB -- My exit strategy?

DOC -- Yes.

BOB -- You mean, you're not going to try to talk me out of
leaving her?

DOC -- Oh, no. Like I said, your wife made it very clear that,
as far as you're concerned, the marriage is dead.

BOB -- That's right. It's dead. Why fight it?

DOC -- Exactly.

BOB -- So, what exactly did you have in mind for my exit
strategy?

DOC -- Well, in light of the fact that she nags you all the
time, it's likely that when you get to divorce court, the battle
could get really ugly.

BOB -- Oh, I never thought of that.

DOC -- You should. She could take you to the cleaners.

BOB -- Oh. She wouldn't do that! She's not like that! She's a
nice person.

DOC -- Oh, so, maybe you'd like to reconsider.

BOB -- No! She's a nag. This marriage is history.

DOC -- Then, you need an exit strategy to minimize the damage.

BOB -- Tell me more.

DOC -- Well, the damage control exit strategy usually involves a
thirty day close-out period.

BOB -- Thirty days.

DOC -- Yes. Are you willing to hang in there for another month
in order to minimize the damage?

BOB -- Yeah, what the heck. After ten years, what's another
month?

DOC -- Good. Now, in order to come out of this exit strategy
clean, you must stick to the plan for the entire thirty days.

BOB -- By the way, just how much is this EXIT STRATEGY going to
cost me?

DOC -- Oh, you think I'm going to collect a fee for damage
control?

BOB -- The thought crossed my mind.

DOC -- No, there's no fee because the damage control is not
applied to your marriage from outside. It's applied from within.
It's something YOU do.

BOB -- I'm listening.

DOC -- Well, the basic premise of the exit strategy is to
minimize the complaints in order to minimize your costs in
divorce court. The best defense is a good offense.

BOB -- Good premise. How do I do that?

DOC -- You steal her thunder. For the next thirty days, you
don't give your wife anything to nag you about. If she usually
nags you about taking out the garbage, take out the garbage
before she asks you. If she usually nags you about cleaning out
the garage, clean out the garage before she asks you.

BOB -- Oh, I get it. For the next thirty days, I'm the perfect
husband.

DOC -- More than that. You treat her like a queen.

BOB -- Like a queen.

DOC -- Like a queen. Open her car door for her. Buy her a
bouquet of flowers for no reason. Write her a love note and slip
it into her purse. Take her out for dinner and a leisurely walk
on the beach. Whisk her away on a spur of the moment weekend
get-away, just the two of you.

BOB -- Oh, I see! And when we're watching TV, I'll let HER have
the remote control!

DOC -- Now you're thinking damage control!

BOB -- Then after thirty days, I'll pull the plug. She won't
have a single thing to complain about. She'll be sorry she
nagged me all these years.

DOC -- I think you've got a real handle on the exit strategy.
(points to exit) Go to it!

BOB -- (jumps to feet, crosses to exit) Thanks, Doc!

DOC -- (follows) You'll report back to me in thirty days to let
me know if your exit strategy worked?

BOB -- Oh, sure. (exits)

(optional light cue: lights off, lights up full)

DOC -- (reenters with Bob) So, Bob, it's been thirty days. How
did your damage control strategy go?

BOB -- Great! I stuck with the plan exactly as you layed it out.

DOC -- So, she stopped nagging?

BOB -- Not one single complaint. I treated her like a queen.

DOC -- Like a queen.

BOB -- Like a queen, just like you said. I even made up some
royal touches that you didn't even mention. I had her in the
palm of my hand. (demonstrates)

DOC -- And then you pulled the plug? Right?

BOB -- Pulled the plug. You mean divorce?

DOC -- Yes.

BOB -- Don't be silly. (exiting) She's a queen! Why would I want
to divorce a queen?!

DOC -- (to audience, exiting) Interesting exit strategy. Nobody
ever exits.
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