CHRIST   5'?m3f Putting Christ back into Christmas

(scene: three chairs side-by-side DC, two Bibles and TV remote 
control on end chair)

KATIE -- (enters carrying coat, crosses to chairs, drapes coat 
over back of chair, sits, picks up remote, turns on imaginary TV 
set in audience rear, watches intently)

JANEY -- (enters carrying coat, crosses to chairs, drapes coat 
over back of chair) What's on TV?

KATIE -- Shshshshs! I can't hear. 

JANEY -- (looks at TV) What are all the firemen doing there? Is 
there a fire? (sits, stares at TV intently)

KATIE -- Shshsh! No, it's a big accident on the interstate.

JANEY -- Did you see Daddy there?

KATIE -- Not yet. Listen. (points to TV)

MOM ---- (enters, coat draped over arm, writing on pad, 
mumbling, nodding to self, crossing) Okay, here's the deal...

KATIE & JANEY -- Shshshshs!

JANEY -- Mom, there's a big accident on the interstate. (points 
to TV)

MOM ---- (studying notes) That's nice, dear. Listen, I'm going 
to need your help shopping tonight. Katie I need you to... 
(looks up) Katie, are you listening to me? (picks up remote, 
switches off TV)


MOM ---- Listen, we've got a lot to do and not enough time to do 
it all. So, can I have you're attention?

KATIE -- (sings) I'm listening.

MOM ---- I promised Gramdma that I would do the cooking tomorrow 
for Christmas dinner and I haven't had time to do ANYTHING. 
(looks at notes) Katie, I need to have you call down to the 
HoneyBaked Ham store and see if they're open late tonight.

KATIE -- (exiting) Yeah, sure, Mom. HoneyBaked Ham is way more 
important that a half dozen people dying on the interstate.

MOM ---- What is she talking about? (studying notes)

JANEY -- There was a big accident on the...

MOM ---- ...Janey, I'm going to drop you off at the record store, 
so you can buy the CD for what's-his-name...

JANEY -- ...His name is Brandon. He's only your God son, Mother.

MOM ---- Whatever. You know the title.

JANEY -- Smashing pumpkins.

MOM ---- (studying notes) Isn't it a little late for 
Halloween music?

JANEY -- It's not Halloween music, Mother, it's rock....

KATIE -- (imitating sweetness) "The HoneyBaked Hams store is 
closed for the holiday. (sings) Merry Christmas".

MOM ---- Oh, no. (studies notes)

JANEY -- (to Katie) We have to stop at the music store on the 
way to church tonight.

KATIE -- Mother, that's in exactly the opposite direction from 

MOM ---- (not looking up) Huh? Church? Did someone say something 
about church?

KATIE -- It's Wednesday night down here on earth. That's the 
night we go to church.

MOM ---- (not looking up) Oh, we can't go to church tonight.

KATIE & JANEY -- What? Mother!

MOM ---- We have too much to do. This IS a special night, you 

KATIE -- That's correct. They're having a special Christmas Eve 
service at church tonight.

MOM ---- That's not what I meant.

KATIE -- I know it isn't. It's what I meant.

MOM ---- I'm sorry. Normally, I would take Daddy shopping with 
me, but, unfortunately, I married a fireman. 

JANEY -- That's what we've trying tell you, Daddy's probably... 
(motions toward TV, palm up)

MOM ---- ...So, Janey, (drops money into Janey's outstrecthed 
hand) here's $20 for the Halloween CD.

JANEY -- (smiles to Katie) Smashing Pumpkins.

MOM ---- And Katie, (hands Katie a wad of money) here's $50 for 
the headphones for Uncle Albert. I'll drop you off at Radio 
Shack after I drop Janey off at the Tower Records. Then, I'll 
run over to the Ralph's market to see if they have any cooked 
hams that don't look like they just came out of a can. Then, 
I'll pick you both up and we'll run over to Walmart for...

KATIE & JANEY -- (standup in unison and sing, very up tempo, 
harmonizing on the last two notes)
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear Jesus,
Happy Birthday to you.

MOM ---- We really don't have time for this. As we just found 
out, some of the stores are already closed. And some of them are 
going to close early.

KATIE -- You're right, Mom. He was only a baby. 

JANEY -- And he was born such a long time ago.

KATIE -- 2000 years. 

JANEY -- Who can remember such an ancient event?

KATIE -- And he was only the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE. 

JANEY -- Silly idea, naming Christmas after Christ.

KATIE -- Silly.

MOM ---- (deep breath) Alright, get your coats.

KATIE & JANEY -- (grab coats, start toward exit)

MOM ---- Don't forget you're Bibles.

KATIE -- To go shopping?

MOM ---- (throws pad and pencil over shoulder) Shopping? And 
miss Jesus' birthday party? Not a chance. 

KATIE -- What about the ham?

MOM ---- I bought a canned ham last week just in case I got too 
busy at Christmas. I'm ALWAYS too busy at Christmas.

JANEY -- (picking up Bibles) What about the CD and headphones?

MOM ---- The drug store is open til midnight. We can find 
something there for Uncle Albert and what's-his-name. 

JANIE -- Brandon.

MOM ---- Anyway, it's not Brandon's birthday. It's Jesus' 
birthday. (exits singing) 
Happy Birthday to you,

ALL ---- (exit singing)
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear Jesus,
Happy Birthday to you.

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