BIRTHDAY 3'?m6f Secular birthday celebration

(editors enter one or two at a time, sit at conference table)

CHIEF -- (enters with armful of file folders, pen, stands at 
head of table) Alright, people, this newspaper goes to press in 
less than two hours and we still don't have a headline for the 
front page. City Desk, what do you have that will sell 

CITY EDITOR - Well, chief, as you know, mayor _________ (local 
mayor) was accused of embezzling two million dollars from the 
city treasury.

CHIEF - Well, that looks like a promising lead story. 

CITY EDITOR - Actually, Chief, I'd rather see 
________________________'s birthday in the headlines.

CHIEF - I didn't know it was ________________________'s birthday 
today. Sports desk, I suppose you want to go with the big 
surprise about ______________________. (local sports hero)

SPORTS EDITOR - Well, yes, _______________________ did announced 
his retirement unexpectedly today. But if I were you, I'd go 
with the story about _________________________'s birthday. 

CHIEF - Business Desk, big news from Wall Street, huh?

BUSINESS EDITOR - Yes, it looks like all the economists are 
predicting a big, big recession this year. But, I think the big 
story is _________________________'s birthday. 

CHIEF - National Desk, is it true what they say about the 
scandal in the White House.

NATIONAL EDITOR - Yes, Chief, it looks like the President 
himself and six of his top aides are going to be indicted. But 
I think the voters would rather hear about ___________________'s

CHIEF - International desk, what do you hear about the Russians?

INTERNATIONAL EDITOR - Well, the CIA has confirmed it. The 
Russians have definitely reaimed their nukes at the United 
States. World War Three is imminent. But I recommend we go with 
__________________________'s birthday story for the front page. 
Did you know that (s)he's _______ years old today?

CHIEF - Well, I guess that make it unanimous. The headline will 
read "____________________________ turns _______years old today."
I want a sidebar about the impact on the sports world, the 
business world, and from the White House.

ALL -- Yes, sir.

NATIONAL EDITOR - Oh, Chief, the telegrams and letters have 
already come pouring in. 

CHIEF - They have?

NATIONAL EDITOR - (hands telegrams and letters to Chief) Yes, 

CHIEF - (reads telegrams and letters from well-wishers)

CHIEF - City Desk, you have a half hour to dig up some 
man-on-the-street comments about ________________________'s 

CITY EDITOR - Way ahead of you, Chief. Here are some telegrams 
and letters from locals who couldn't make the big birthday 

CHIEF - (reads telegrams and letters from well-wishers)

CHIEF - International desk, I want you to contact the United 
Nations Secretary General to see if ________________________'s 
birthday will impact the Russian nuclear threat.

INTERNATIONAL EDITOR - Already did that, Chief. Both the United 
Nations Secretary General and the Pope are confident that 
______________________'s birthday will promote world peace.

CHIEF - I thought so. (claps hands) Alright, everybody, let's 
get started. We have a deadline to meet. Let's get busy!

(all begin to leave)


(all sit)

CHIEF - This better be important.

SPORTS EDITOR - It is, Chief. We should all sing happy birthday 
to ________________________________.

CHIEF - You're right. What am I thinking?! Everybody rise. 
(motions audience to rise, leads in singing, then...) Alright 
everybody, it's ________________________'s birthday! Let's get 

(all exit)

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