SOLOMON  5'2m?f Solomon speaks about values: Ecclesiastes

(scene: bare stage, except two bar stools DC)

FRED ---- (British Accent, enters with clipboard) Good evening 
and welcome to Open Forum, the talk show that interviews the 
brightest thinkers and greatest successes in history. I'm your 
host, Fred Thompson. Tonight's guest is both THE brightest 
thinker in history AND THE greatest success of all time. I am 
speaking, of course, of none other than King Solomon. Welcome to 
Open Forum, your majesty.

SOLOMON - (enters, shakes hands) Thanks, Fred.

(both sit)

FRED ---- I must admit that I have been looking forward to this 
interview with great anticipation, since my producer first 
announced that you agreed to come on the program.

SOLOMON - Well, it's a pleasure to be here.

FRED ---- I understand you're coming out with a new book 
shortly, your majesty.

SOLOMON - Yes, the book is called Ecclesiastes.

FRED ---- Well, as impressed as I was with your book of Proverbs 
and that very sensual book called Song of Songs, I must say I'm 
really looking forward to your new book. We'll talk about your 
new book a little later. But right now, I have a long list of 
questions about King Solomon, the man. Let's talk first about 
your lavish lifestyle. Is it true you have 700 wives and 
hundreds of concubines?

SOLOMON - Yes, Fred, it's true.

FRED ---- So, tell our listeners, how do you decide which wife 
you will spend the night with.

SOLOMON - I don't.

FRED ---- You don't?

SOLOMON - Not anymore. 

FRED ---- May we ask why?

SOLOMON - It was all for pleasure, Fred. And if there is 
anything I have learned over the years, it is that pleasure is 

FRED ---- Meaningless.

SOLOMON - Yes, meaningless. It doesn't lead anywhere. There are 
no lasting results. Pleasure is meaningless.

FRED ---- But, your majesty, among your wives are some of the 
most beautiful women in the world.

SOLOMON - Beauty is meaningless too, Fred. It doesn't lead 
anywhere. There are no lasting results from it. Beauty is 
absolutely meaningless.

FRED ---- You'll pardon me, your majesty, but you don't sound 
like the same man who wrote Song of Songs, that so poetically 
described the physical pleasure of the marriage relationship.

SOLOMON - Meaningless. All of it. I'm sorry I published such 

FRED ---- Oh, dear.

SOLOMON - What's that matter?

FRED ---- Well, about half of the questions I have written here 
are about your wives and your lifestyle. (tears a page off 
clipboard, throws over shoulder)

SOLOMON - Meaningless. All of it.

FRED ---- Yes, well, let's move on to some of your more serious 
pursuits. You have now reached the pinnacle of your career. You 
are the most respected, the most revered man in the world. It is 
said that even the Queen of Sheba paid homage to you. Is that 

SOLOMON - Yes, it is, Fred. She was one of literally dozens of 
rulers world-wide who sat at my feet to learn how to be a 
successful monarch.

FRED ---- Well, how does it feel to be the most important man in 
the world?

SOLOMON - Achievement is meaningless.

FRED ---- Meaningless.

SOLOMON - It's all meaningless, Fred. The status, the 
importance, the advancement, all of it. Meaningless.

FRED ---- Uh huh. Well... (tears off another page from 
clipboard, throws over shoulder) there goes another ten 
questions. Well, let's see here, according to historians, early 
in your career, when the Lord told you that you could have 
ANYTHING you want, you chose wisdom. 

SOLOMON - That is correct, Fred. 

FRED ---- Now, scientists and scholars from all over the world 
come to seek your wisdom.

SOLOMON - That's right, Fred. Literally thousands of scientists 
and thinkers world-wide stand in awe of my great wisdom. I am 
probably the wisest man who ever lived.

FRED ---- Dare I ask how you feel about that?

SOLOMON - Meaningless.

FRED ---- Wisdom is...

SOLOMON - Meaningless. That's right. I've spent a lifetime 
accumulating wisdom and when I croak, my wisdom dissipate like 
the smoke from a burned out fire.

FRED ---- But you worked so hard to put your wisdom down on 
paper. What about your previous books? 

SOLOMON - Meaningless tripe. All of it. Wisdom and 50 cents will 
buy you a cup of coffee at McDonald's, Fred.

FRED ---- Is there no redeeming value in all the work you went 
through to write all those books?

SOLOMON - It was just toil, Fred. Toil is meaningless too. Why 
make the effort?

FRED ---- Oh, dear.

SOLOMON - What's the matter now?

FRED ---- The rest of these questions were about your previous 
books. (tears off another page, throws it over shoulder) Isn't 
there anything you'd like to say on behalf of the Book of 
Proverbs or the Song of Songs?

SOLOMON - Not a thing, Fred. I wrote the book of Proverbs for 
my son Rehoboam and you saw how miserable a king he turned out to 
be. I wrote the Song of Songs for my wives and they thanked me 
by worshiping other gods. Those books made me feel useful for a 
while, but they're meaningless. 

FRED ---- Well, now that you've eliminated all my other questions, 
let's spend the rest of the hour talking about your new book. I 
believe you called it Ecclesiastes.

SOLOMON - Well, Fred, in the Book of Ecclesiastes, I outline how 
virtually everything that the world holds dear is meaningless.

FRED ---- That's the theme of your book too?

SOLOMON - Yes, Fred, but don't take it too seriously. It's just 
a book. And it's all just...

BOTH ---- ...Meaningless.

FRED ---- How did I know you were going to say that? This is 
really depressing.


FRED ---- Well, you just wrote off everything on Earth as 

SOLOMON - Boy, you got that right.

FRED ---- You sound happy about it.


FRED ---- But why?

SOLOMON - I only have to spend a few years on earth in this 
frustrating meaninglessness, then I get to spend the rest of 
eternity with my Lord. (stands offers a handshake) Well, thanks 
for having me on your show.

FRED ---- (shakes hand, stands) You're not leaving?!

SOLOMON - Sure. Why not?

FRED ---- I thought you came on the show to promote your new 
book. (aside) Besides, this is a one-hour show.

SOLOMON - Well, if your audience wants to read my book, it's a 
good way to kill an afternoon, but it's just like this show. 
(crosses to exit) It's meaningless.

FRED ---- (follows) What about your gold?

SOLOMON - Meaningless.

FRED ---- Silver.

SOLOMON - (exiting) Meaningless.

FRED ---- (turns to audience) Well, at this time, I would 
normally break for a commercial, but (points to Solomon 
offstage, shrugs) you know...(exits)

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