GILGAL   4'2m0f Before entering the promised land: circumcision

CALEB --- (speaking into microphone, PA speaker with echo) Good 
morning, children of Israel. Before I hand the microphone over 
to Joshua, I need to talk you one more time about manna from 
Heaven. I know some of you get tired of hearing this 
announcement every morning for forty years, but we have to cover 
it one more time. People! Manna from Heaven rots after one day. 
I'm sure I don't have to tell you about the smell. So, please, 
take only as much manna from heaven as your need to feed you and 
your family for one day. Okay, here's Joshua with what he says 
is a big announcement. (steps back)

JOSHUA -- (enters, steps up to mike) Okay, thanks, Caleb. By now 
I'm sure everyone has heard that our two spies have returned 
from Jericho. They tell me that the people of Jericho are 
petrified of us. Fellow Hebrews, I am so excited about the 
prospect of FINALLY getting to conquer the promised land.

CALEB --- (over Joshua's shoulder) So, ah, when DO we go into 
battle, Joshua?

JOSHUA -- Okay, we have a question. The question is, "when to we 
leave"? The answer is we leave in one week.

CALEB --- (over Joshua's shoulder) What are we waiting for? Why 
can't we leave today?

JOSHUA -- Okay, so, we have another question. The question is,
"Why not leave right away"? And the answer is, ah, well, ah, the 
Lord wants us to look real sharp when we conquer Jericho, so he 
wants all the men to be circumcised.

CALEB --- (over Joshua's shoulder) Circum....

JOSHUA -- Circumcised. That's right.

CALEB --- (over Joshua's shoulder) So, ah, what's that? A kind 
of hair cut?

JOSHUA -- Our father's were circumcised. And all the Hebrew men 
since Abraham have been circumcised. But, when we were out in 
the desert for 40 years, we stopped circumcising our boy babies 
on the eighth day as prescribed by law. But, now the Lord wants 
us to resume our long standing tradition. So, now if all the men 
will line up over here... (makes broad motion with arm)

CALEB --- (over Joshua's shoulder) Wait a minute. Just exactly 
what are you going to cut?

JOSHUA -- (covers mike) I can't say it up here in front of 
everybody. There are women and children listening. Here, let me 
whisper it in your ear. (whispers) Pssspsssppssss.

CALEB --- (over Joshua's shoulder) No way! You're not going to 
cut mine off!

JOSHUA -- Well, we don't cut it all off, just the (whispers) 

CALEB --- (over Joshua's shoulder) Oh.

JOSHUA -- (speaks into mike) So, if all the men of Israel will 
just form a line right over here... (makes a broad motion with 
his arm)

CALEB --- (over Joshua's shoulder) So, where's the doctor?

JOSHUA -- (covers mike) The doctor?

CALEB --- (over Joshua's shoulder) The doctor who will be 
performing the circum....

JOSHUA -- Circumcision. (speaks into mike) Okay, we've had 
another question, by my good friend Caleb. The question was 
"where is the doctor who will perform the surgery"? And the 
answer is, there is no doctor. I'm going to do the circumcisions 

CALEB --- (over Joshua's shoulder) You mean YOU are going to cut 
the you-know-what off my you-know-what?

JOSHUA -- (smiling nervously, holds up hand to the Lord) 
Gentlemen, I assure you that the surgery is quick and easy. 
You'll be all healed up in a week and then we'll be able to 

CALEB --- (taps Joshua's shoulder)

JOSHUA -- (covers the mike) What is it now, Caleb?

CALEB --- (over Joshua's shoulder) You ever done this surgery 

JOSHUA -- (speaks into mike) Okay, so, we have another question. 
The question is, have I ever performed this surgery before? The 
answer is no, I have never performed this surgery before. But 
the Lord is with me. He'll show me what to do. Now, please, will 
all the men... (makes a broad motion with his arm)

CALEB --- (taps Joshua on shoulder)

JOSHUA -- (covers mike) What is it?

CALEB --- (over Joshua's shoulder) Where's your scalpel?

JOSHUA -- (speaks into mike) Okay, so, I have another silly 
question, from the man who I thought was my friend. The question 
is, where is my scalpel. And the answer to this question is, I'm 
not going to use a scalpel to perform this surgery. I'm going to 
use a flint knife, as prescribed by the Lord. Now, if I've 
answered all your questions, gentlemen, please, just line up... 

CALEB --- (taps on Joshua's shoulder)

JOSHUA -- What.

CALEB --- (over Joshua's shoulder) So, you're going to perform 
the whatchamacallit...

JOSHUA -- ...the circumcision...

CALEB --- (over Joshua's shoulder) ...whatever. You actually 
think you're going to cut me with a sharpened stone?

JOSHUA -- Okay, so, we have another stupid question. But it 
isn't really a question, but an admission of lack of faith. My 
former friend Caleb, here, who was brave enough to spy on the 
promised land and who was willing to face the giants in battle, 
is now afraid of a little pain. Do I have that right, Caleb, old 

CALEB --- Well, I, ah,...

JOSHUA -- Well, are you a man or a mouse? 

CALEB --- Well, I, ah,...

JOSHUA -- I can't hear your. Squeak up.

CALEB --- Alright, it's no big deal.

JOSHUA -- Gentlemen, I assure you, we Hebrews have been 
performing this ritual for thousands of years. So, now, I'm 
assuming that there are no more questions, which, for the most 
part, reveal a lack of faith, I will start the circumcisions 
beginning with Caleb here. (grabs Caleb's arm, drags him toward 

CALEB --- Me? Listen, I just remembered, I have a dental 
appointment. (point to opposite exit)

JOSHUA -- (jerks Caleb) Let's step over here behind this bush. 
This will only take a moment. (both exit)

CALEB --- (screams) 

JOSHUA -- (backing on stage) There, that wasn't so bad, was it? 
(speaks into mike) Well, now, if the men of Israel will just 
form a line... (makes broad motion with arms, looks around) Hey, 
where did everybody go? (shrugs, exits)

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