BACK BABYMOS2 9'1m3f Pharaoh's daughter adopts baby Moses (all characters wear tunics and sandals) SHERIFF'S WIFE -- (carrying hand-basket stacked with apples, strolls, browses) SAM -- (follows wearing a fedora, with unlit cigarette in mouth, notices apples, creeps close, steals an apple when Wife's back is turned, admires it, quickly pulls apple out of sight when wife turns back) What are you looking at me for? I didn't do anything. SHERIFF'S WIFE -- You're Sam Spade, aren't you? SAM -- Why? Are you a bill collector? SHERIFF'S WIFE -- My husband sent me to this neighborhood to look for a Sam Spade. SAM -- Your husband? SHERIFF'S WIFE -- Yes. My husband is the Sheriff of Goshen. SAM -- The sheriff, you say? SHERIFF'S WIFE -- Yes. SAM -- He's looking for Sam Spade, you say? SHERIFF'S WIFE -- Yes. Are you Sam Spade? SAM -- Me? No. I think the person your looking for is down that way. (points past wife, returns stolen apple to basket when wife turns her head, turns to exit) SHERIFF'S WIFE -- (turns head, points) This way? SAM -- Yes. (backs away) Tell the sheriff hello for me. SHERIFF'S WIFE -- This Sam Spade, he's a private investigator, right? SAM -- (stops) Why do you ask if he's a private investigator? SHERIFF'S WIFE -- My husband wants me to hire him. SAM -- So, this is not about throwing him in jail or anything? SHERIFF'S WIFE -- No. I need to have him investigate a kidnapping. SAM -- (approaches) Well, as a matter of fact, "I'm" Sam Spade. SHERIFF'S WIFE -- You? SAM -- At your service. SHERIFF'S WIFE -- But you just said Sam Spade was this way. (points) SAM -- Let me explain. There are TWO Sam Spades living here in Goshen. And when you said that the Sheriff was involved, I automatically assumed that you were referring to my delinquent cousin... who lives down that way. (points) "I'm" Sam Spade the world famous private investigator. SHERIFF'S WIFE -- Very well then, you may investigate the kidnapping. SAM -- Not that I'm not grateful, but shouldn't the sheriff investigate a kidnapping himself? SHERIFF'S WIFE -- The kidnapped baby is a Hebrew. My husband is an Egyptian. He steers clear of Hebrew matters. SAM -- Then why does he want ME to investigate. SHERIFF'S WIFE -- The mother is raising a big ruckus. My husband doesn't like any ripples on the pond, if you know what I mean. (hands Sam a scrap of paper) Here's the information on the Hebrew parents. (moves toward exit) SAM -- (follows) There was just the small matter of my fee. I usually collect a retainer.... SHERIFF'S WIFE -- Send your bill to the sheriff if you find the baby. (exits) SAM -- (stops, turns to audience) Yes, but what if I spend days or weeks on this case and I come up with nothing? Why does this always happen to me? Maybe I should change the name from RETAINER to MANDATORY DEPOSIT. Oh well.... (studies paper) MOTHER -- (enters, excited) Are you Sam Spade?! SAM -- It depends. MOTHER -- The sheriff's wife said that you were going to find my baby. SAM -- Oh. In that case, yes, I'm the world famous private investigator, Sam Spade. (poses) MOTHER -- So, your going to find my baby?! SAM -- I make no guarantees. The kidnappers may have already killed the baby. MOTHER -- Killed him?! (cries loudly) SAM -- (to audience) Alright, I'll admit it. My bed-side manner could use a little work. (to mother) Let me put it another way. Your baby is definitely alive and I will find him. MOTHER -- (stops crying) He is?! You will?! SAM -- Sure! Piece of cake! (takes notes) Let's see, where did you last see the little tyke? MOTHER -- In the river. SAM -- IN the river? You mean, BY the river, don't you? MOTHER -- No. I wrapped him in a blanket and layed him in a basket made of reeds and I floated the basket in the river among the reeds. SAM -- Now, why would you do a silly thing like that? MOTHER -- Well, as everybody knows, Pharaoh is worried that us Hebrews are becoming too numerous. And so, to cut down on our population, he ordered that all Hebrew babies must be killed. So, I hid my baby so the Egyptian soldiers wouldn't find him and kill him. SAM -- Very clever! The soldiers wouldn't look for a baby in the river! MOTHER -- Thank you. SAM -- But the crocodiles would. They probably ate him. MOTHER -- Ate him?! (cries loudly) SAM -- (to audience) Now you know why I never got married. (to Mother) Alright, listen, I'm sorry. Let me put it another way. Your baby is alive and I'll find him. MOTHER -- (stops crying) He is?! You will?! SAM -- Sure! Piece of cake! If you put him in the reeds, the crocodiles wouldn't see him there. Some compassionate and devoted woman probably came along and found the baby and figured that you had abandoned it. She's probably planning on giving your baby a loving home. When she finds out that you were just protecting it, she'll be glad to return it. MOTHER -- You think so? SAM -- Sure. Show me where you stashed the kid, and then I'll make some inquiries. MOTHER -- This way. (points, exits with Sam) PRINCESS -- (enters opposite wearing ornate tunic and serpent crown, carrying basket with baby) Praise be to the gods of Egypt! My prayers have been answered! I found a baby! SAM -- (reenters) Baby? Did I hear someone mention a baby? PRINCESS -- Yes! Praise the gods of Egypt. SAM -- Yeah, like you said. Say listen, you look a lot like the Pharaoh's daughter. PRINCESS -- I AM Pharaoh's daughter. SAM -- And you were praying to the gods of Egypt for a baby? PRINCESS -- Yes. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby of our own for years, but without any success. But now by the grace of the gods, I am a mother! (freezes) SAM -- (to audience) Can you hear that sound? That is the tinkle of gold coins jingling in my money pouch. If I play my cards right, I could double my fee. I will not only collect my fee for finding the baby, but I will also collect a fee from Pharaoh for answered prayer. Watch the expert work. (to princess) Listen, Princess, this is just PART of the answer to your prayers. PRINCESS -- It is?! What more could I ask for? SAM -- I had a vision last night. In my vision, Pharaoh's daughter would find a baby wrapped in a blanket and laid in a basket of reeds, floating in the river among the reeds. PRINCESS -- That's amazing! That's exactly what happened! I shall name him Moses because he came up out of the water! SAM -- In my vision, a voice told me that Pharaoh's daughter would also need someone to nurse her baby for her. PRINCESS -- Oh! I do, don't I?! That's amazing! Do you know someone who could nurse my baby for me? SAM -- By the graces of the gods of Egypt, I know a Hebrew woman who recently lost her baby. She would just love to nurse your baby for you. PRINCESS -- That IS an answer to my prayers! Where is she?! SAM -- (guides Princess off stage) She's right down the block. You stay right here and don't move. I'll go get her for you.... (crossing back, smiles to audience) ... for a small fee, of course. (exits) MOTHER -- (reenters with Sam) You found him! You found my baby?! SAM -- Not so loud! (finger to lips) Remember, all Hebrew babies are supposed to be dead. So, I arranged it so that you wouldn't have to hide your baby from the Egyptians anymore. MOTHER -- How did you do that? SAM -- I'm the world's greatest private investigator. It's what I do. Now, here's the deal. I placed the baby in the arms of Pharaoh's daughter. MOTHER -- Pharaoh's daughter?! SAM -- Not so loud! (finger to lips) Now, at my suggestion, she will adopt the baby as her own, so your baby will be perfectly safe. And she agreed to let you nurse the baby and be the baby's nanny. MOTHER -- Really?! You arranged all that? SAM -- Piece of cake! Now, there's just two conditions. MOTHER -- Sure! Anything. SAM -- You and your husband will have to move into the royal palace. MOTHER -- Really?! SAM -- Really, but there is a down side. MOTHER -- What's that? SAM -- You may never ever even mention that the baby belongs to you. MOTHER -- I can live with that. As long as the baby is safe. SAM -- Okay. Here we go then. (turns Mother toward Princess, stops) Oh, oh. (turns) MOTHER -- What's the matter? SHERIFF'S WIFE -- (enters with Princess) So, this is the man who had a vision about your baby? PRINCESS -- Yes! Isn't it amazing?! SHERIFF'S WIFE -- And I suppose that this woman just happens to be the woman who will nurse your baby for you? MOTHER -- What does she mean?! Her baby (points) That's my... SAM -- (turns Mother toward audience) Remember what I said. You can't say anything. Play along with me, please? You'll get your baby back if you just play along. MOTHER -- Well, okay. SAM -- So, Princess, here is your nanny. SHERIFF'S WIFE -- Just as in your vision, huh, Sam? SAM -- Just as in my vision. (head and eye messages) We wouldn't want to disappoint our beloved princess. Would we, my dear? SHERIFF'S WIFE -- No, of course not. Everyone got exactly what they paid for. SAM -- What do you mean by that? SHERIFF'S WIFE -- (exiting with Mother and Princess) Come, Princess, let's get your new baby and your new nanny settled in at the palace. (exits) SAM -- (follows) What do you mean by that? Is that your way of telling me that I don't get paid? What about my fee? (stops, stomps, exits opposite) Right through my fingers! Note to self: from now on you got to collect your fee in advance. ©2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected] BACK |