BACK YAHOSHUA 9'1m2f Deity of Jesus, resurrection, Judas' betrayal (all characters except Sam wear tunic and sandals) SAM -- (enters stumbling wearing suit with smashed fedora on head, groans) What hit me? (to audience) I think this is where I usually introduce myself. The name is.... (pauses) My name is.... (pauses) Isn't that funny?! I can't remember my name. I think somebody hit me on the head. (removes hat) Look what he did to my hat! He ruined it! (looks left and right) He really messed me up bad. (looks left and right) I don't even know where I am. MARY -- (follows, crosses DS of Sam) SAM -- Excuse me, doll-face? MARY -- (stops, turns) Were you referring to me? SAM -- Yes. Somebody whacked me on the head. (points to hat) Look! MARY -- I'm sorry, Jewish women are not supposed to talk to Gentile men. (turns, freezes) SAM -- (to audience) There's a clue in what this woman said. She said she was a Jewish woman. And I'm a gentile, whatever that means. (to Mary) Please, I need your help. MARY -- How can I help? SAM -- Is there a hospital around here? MARY -- I'm sorry, I don't know what a hospital is. (freezes) SAM -- (to audience) Another clue. This woman doesn't know what a hospital is. This must be a primitive society. (to Mary) Listen, doll-face, all I'm sure of is that I'm not from around here. Everybody here dresses funny. MARY -- I was just going to say the same about you. SAM -- So, if I'm not from around here, where is HERE, anyhow? MARY -- You're really serious? You really don't know where you are? SAM -- No. MARY -- This is Jerusalem. SAM -- Jerusalem. As in Israel. MARY -- Well, the Romans won't let us call it Israel. They call it Palestine. SAM -- The Romans. MARY -- Yes. You didn't know the Romans conquered Palestine? SAM -- I don't know who the Romans are. (ponders) I'm not communicating at all. I must be worse off than I thought. Maybe I'm hallucinating all of this. MARY -- Maybe you should look in your pouch. SAM -- My pouch? MARY -- Your money pouch. All the men carry a money pouch. Maybe there's some clues about your identity in your pouch. SAM -- (pats pockets) I'm pretty sure I don't carry a pouch, but maybe I wrote my name in my... (pulls pouch from pocket) Well, I'll be... it's a pouch! MARY -- That's a good thing, no? SAM -- Well, maybe, but, I really don't think I carry a pouch. (examines pouch) MARY -- Is your name written on it? SAM -- No, just some Chinese writing. MARY -- (looks) That's not Chinese, that's Hebrew. (cranes neck) SAM -- That's not a lot of help MARY -- It says YAHOSHUA. SAM -- Well, I'm pretty sure that's not my name. (pats pockets) MARY -- Yahoshua is the name of the general in Moses army who conquered the land of Canaan for Israel a thousand years ago. SAM -- Why on earth would I have a dead man's pouch in my pocket? MARY -- Beats me. Is there anything in it? SAM -- No. MARY -- Well, this probably isn't a case of robbery SAM -- How do you know? MARY -- A robber would just take the pouch. He wouldn't take the time to empty it. SAM -- You're right. Say, you're pretty good at this detective stuff. (snaps fingers) That's it! MARY -- What's it? SAM -- I'm a detective! MARY -- What's a detective? SAM -- Aw, come on! Just when I was making progress. They MUST have detectives even in Jerusalem. MARY -- (shrugs) SAM -- Alright. Tell me, are there other Yahoshuas in Israel besides the dead guy? MARY -- Yes. SAM -- Living? MARY -- Yes. There's a rather famous one. He was born in Bethlehem. SAM -- Bethlehem. That sounds familiar. Where is Bethlehem? I'll look him up. MARY -- He doesn't live there. He lives in Nazareth. SAM -- Alright. Where is Nazareth? MARY -- He's not there either. SAM -- (to self) This is a nightmare. Maybe I'm dreaming all this. (to Mary) Alright. Where is this other Yahoshua if he's not in Bethlehem and he's not in Nazareth? MARY -- You won't find him anywhere if you call him Yahoshua. He doesn't use that name anymore. SAM -- (to audience) I am. I'm having a nightmare. (to Mary) Look, doll-face, if this, this Yahoo... MARY -- Yahoshua. The name Yahoshua means GOD IS SALVATION. He claims to be the salvation of God. SAM -- Another Jesus. MARY -- So, you know him?! SAM -- Know who? MARY -- You said you couldn't remember anything. But you remembered his name. SAM -- (reads pouch) Ya Ho Shu a MARY -- No. You called him Jesus. Jesus is the Greek pronunciation of his Hebrew name. That's the name he goes by now. SAM -- You're not making any sense. You said this Ya Ho Shu A is alive today. MARY -- He is. SAM -- Last I saw him, Jesus had died on the cross and was being taken down from the cross and buried in a tomb. MARY -- So, you didn't know that Jesus rose from the dead? SAM -- That happened when? MARY -- Yesterday. SAM -- Yesterday?! That must be when someone whacked me. (bangs self in the head, staggers) Oh! (shakes head, straightens and smooths hat) It's all coming back to me now. My name is Spade, Sam Spade. I'm the world's greatest private detective. MARY -- Whatever that means. SAM -- I was hired by some guys at the temple to prove that Jesus was not God in human flesh. MARY -- But he is God in human flesh! And he proved it by raising from the dead. SAM -- If what you're saying is true, maybe it was them guys at the temple who whack me because they didn't like the bad news. Listen, doll-face, I'm still a little woozy. Which way to the temple? MARY -- You're not really going to seek them out, are you? SAM -- I'm a detective. What kind of detective would I be if I didn't solve this mystery? MARY -- That way. (points) SAM -- (exiting) Thanks, doll-face. MARY -- (backs to opposite exit) Be careful. SAM -- I'm the world's greatest private detective. What's the worse that could happen? (turns, nearly collides with Judasa) JUDASA -- (enters, raises rolling pin) Give me back my money, you crook. (freezes) SAM -- (to audience) Maybe it wasn't them guys at the temple who whacked me. I'll use my superior investigating skills to get at the truth. (to Judasa, backing away) Listen, doll-face, I don't have any money on me. I suppose it's possible that I had your money at one time, but somebody whacked me on the head and... JUDASA -- I was the one who whacked you on the head. And I'll do it again if I don't get my money. SAM -- Listen, sweet-cheeks, all I have is this pouch. And the lady back there says it belonged to Jesus. (shows pouch) JUDASA -- (examines pouch) Well, yes, it did belong to Jesus, but my husband carried it for him. My husband was the money manager for Jesus. He must have given it to you. SAM -- I... I really can't remember. And what is his name? JUDASA -- His name is Judas Ischariat. SAM -- Sounds familiar. Tell me more. JUDASA -- Don't pretend you don't know. My family needs that money to buy groceries. SAM -- Listen, I'm serious. I really don't know how I got the pouch. JUDASA -- Judas gave it to you alright. There were thirty silver coins in it. He wanted you to give it back to those creeps at the temple. SAM -- The creeps? JUDASA -- The Pharisees and Sadducees. SAM -- (to audience) I remember now. They are the ones who hired me. I will now use my superior investigation skills to fill in the details. (to Judasa) When you say "give it back", you're implying that they were the ones who gave the money to Judas. JUDASA -- The money was a bribe. SAM -- A bribe? JUDASA -- To betray Jesus. SAM -- Betray Jesus. That doesn't sound right. Them guys at the temple could have arrested Jesus any time. They knew who he was. They knew he spent all day in the temple right under their noses. JUDASA -- Problem is, if they arrested him in public, Jesus' disciples would have caused a riot. They needed to know when and where Jesus was alone. SAM -- Like in the olive grove. JUDASA -- So, you do remember. SAM -- Judas. Oh, THAT Judas! I knew I heard that name somewhere! Now I remember Judas! I was there. Judas kissed Jesus to show the guards who to arrest. JUDASA -- Tell me something I don't know. Like where's my money? SAM -- After Judas betrayed Jesus, he had a change of heart. He tried to give the money back, but the Jews wouldn't take back the bribe. So, Judas gave me the money and told me to return it, since he knew I was working for them. JUDASA -- (holds out hand) Then return it to me. SAM -- I can't. JUDASA -- (raises rolling pin) You what?! SAM -- (retreats, tips pouch) I don't have the money. See? JUDASA -- What did you do with my money? SAM -- It was blood money. I threw it into the temple. JUDASA -- You what?! SAM -- (points past Judasa) Oh, look, there's Judas now! (exits) JUDASA -- Where?! (turns) He's not there, he's dead. He committed suicide. That little creep can't do anything right. (turns, shrugs, exits) Where did he go? SAM -- (reenters creeping, straightens, strolls, to audience) Well, now you know the truth. It was not Judas himself who threw the silver coins into the temple. It was me. But will I, the world's greatest private detective, get any credit for it in the Bible? Nooooo! Because I already received my reward from the Pharisees and Sadducees. (exits) ©2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected] BACK |