WIDOWS   4'1m1f Peter puts Stephen in charge of feeding widows

PETER -- (enters, strolls across stage)

DORIS -- (heavy New York Jewish accent, follows) Peter? 
Peter, darling? (approaches)

PETER -- (turns) Yes? Oh, it's you.

DORIS -- I'm sorry to bother you, Peter. You know I would never 
take you away from your important apostolic duties if it was not 
important. And, frankly, I'm not really here for myself, but for 
all the oppressed minions that I unselfishly represent.

PETER -- Just tell me what you want, Doris. 

DORIS -- Mind you, I'm not complaining, but the others have 
asked me to speak to you on their behalf. Far be it from me to 
be a complainer. Because a complainer is one step away from 
being divisive and you know how I work my fingers to the bone to 
avoid being divisive.

PETER -- Doris! Tell me what you want!

DORIS -- It's about the food, Peter. Now mind you, I'm not 
complaining. I'm just a poor little widow who never...

PETER -- (impatient) What about the food, Doris?

DORIS -- I was getting to that. Now the others were saying...

PETER -- The others. What others?

DORIS -- The widows. The widows who speak Greek. They say 
they're getting less food than the widows who speak Hebrew. Now 
mind you, I myself can get by with just a little nosh now and 
then. I don't need much food at all. But do you think I should 
suffer merely because I don't speak Hebrew?

PETER -- No, you certainly shouldn't.

DORIS -- Mind you, it's not just I who am complaining. All the 
widows in my mah jongg group have been given short shrift. Now are 
you going to just sit there while some GONIFF takes the food 
right out of the mouths of poor helpless widows?

PETER -- No. No, I'm not. 

DORIS -- Good. Peter, I can't tell you what a nice thing this is 
you're doing for us poor defenseless, helpless widows.

PETER -- Oh, I'm not going to take care of this myself.

DORIS -- You're not?

PETER -- No, we apostles have to keep our minds on prayer and 
preaching the salvation of Jesus Christ. I think we'll put some 
other men in charge of distributing the food to the widows and 

DORIS -- Well! Then I'm glad I came! I have just the man you're 
looking for.

PETER -- Who?

DORIS -- My nephew Seymour. He was going to be a doctor, you 
know. He's a man on the verge of success.

PETER -- Your nephew 37 years old and he still lives with his 

DORIS -- Oh, but he's so smart. And he's got hutzpah and mocksy.

PETER -- He's unemployed.

DORIS -- (softly) He really needs a job. Can you help us out 

PETER -- Well, frankly, Doris, the men I put in charge of 
ministries have to be well-established, self-sufficient, with a 
proven track record of charity and service.

DORIS -- That's my nephew to a tee! (softly) Can you help us out 

PETER -- Well, frankly, I had in mind a more spiritually mature 
person, like Stephen.

DORIS -- Stephen! The girls in my mah jongg group voted him most 
likely to be stoned to death by an angry Jewish mob.

PETER -- Well, frankly, Doris, that's why I'm going to appoint 
him to the ministry. He's dedicated and selfless.

DORIS -- Are you implying that my nephew, the boy who was this 
close (holds up fingers) to being a lawyer...

PETER -- I thought you said he was going to be a doctor.

DORIS -- Whatever. Are you implying that my nephew is a 

PETER -- Do you really want him to handle YOUR food?

DORIS -- My food? Are you kidding? I thought you were going to 
put the klutz in charge of the food for the Hebrew widows. 
(turns, exiting) Nevermind then. Listen, Peter, darling, I have 
a hair appointment. shalom.

PETER -- Poor, helpless widow. (exits opposite)

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