SAUL     7'1m4f Private-I traces Saul's conversion to Paul

(scene: bare stage, except two chairs DC)

SAM -- (enters, yawning, sits, feet up, snores) 

DOLL - (harsh, enters, clears throat, pause) Hey. Hey, wake up.

SAM -- (snorts) The check is in the mail. Huh? Oh. (stands) Hey, 
listen I can explain this. I... I, ah... I was up late last 
night... following an important lead. Yeah, that's it. I was 
following a lead.

DOLL - I'm sure. Is your name Sam Spade?

SAM -- It depends. Are you from a collection agency?

DOLL - Of course not.

SAM -- In that case, yes, I'm Sam Spade. What can I help you 
with, Doll?

DOLL - How did you know my name?

SAM -- I'm sorry. I'm still a little groggy. I didn't know I 
called you by name, Doll.

DOLL - Doll. My name is Doll.

SAM -- Oh.

DOLL - My employers have a job for you.

SAM -- Well, I'm a very busy man. I have a lot of cases to 
solve. But I could set them aside if the price is right.

DOLL - (drops large bag of coins on chair) Will this be enough?

SAM -- Holy cow! What did you do, rob a bank?

DOLL - My employers are very determined.

SAM -- Also very rich. Yes, well, I guess I could rearrange my 
schedule. So, what do they want me to do?

DOLL - They want you to find a Pharisee.

SAM -- Well, that's easy. Just go down to the street corner. 
Them Pharisees is a bunch of show-off. They stand on the street 
corners and pray out loud. Real spiritual, you know?

DOLL - I was referring to a specific Pharisee named Saul of 

SAM -- Oh. Where did you last see this guy Saul?

DOLL - A couple weeks ago, he was going to Damascus to throw 
some Christians in jail.

SAM -- Nice guy.

DOLL - I can take my money and my business to another private-I. 
(reaches for bag)

SAM -- (holds bag down) Oh, no! I'll take the job. Where was 
Saul supposed to stay while he was in Damascus?

DOLL - He was going to stay at the house of a Pharisee named 

SAM -- Doll face, this Saul of Tarsus is as good as found.

DOLL - Good. (picks up bag, backs toward exit) I'll just hang 
onto this bag of silver until you find him. As soon as you find 
him, stop by and pick up your pay at the Sanhedrin. (exits)

SAM -- The Sanhedrin?! What about my... retainer. Oh, well. (to 
audience, crossing slowly) I went to Damascus and knocked on the 
door of Judas the Pharisee.

MRS -- (ditzy, enter polishing finger nails) I gave at the office.

SAM -- Hey, I'm not collecting for anything.

MRS -- I'm very busy.

SAM -- So, I see. I'm looking for a Pharisee named Saul of 

MRS -- Do you like this color on me?

SAM -- Maybe I should talk to your husband. Is Judas home?

MRS -- Oh, he's traveling again. He's always out looking for 
Christians and throwing them in jail. I think this nail polish 
is a bit too pink for me, don't you?

SAM -- Can you tell me anything about this Saul of Tarsus?

MRS -- If you ask me, I think he has a little problem with the 

SAM -- What do you mean?

MRS -- Well, Judas and I were traveling with Saul, when, just 
outside of town here, he fell off his donkey. And when he stood 
up, he was as blind as a bat. I don't think this nail polish 
goes with my lipstick at all, do you?

SAM -- So, Saul is blind?

MRS -- Oh, he WAS blind for three days. He didn't eat or drink 
anything. But a fella named Ananias came in and laid his hand on 
him and healed him. This nail polish will never go with my red 

SAM -- So, now Saul can see?

MRS -- I can't believe I paid 4 and a half drachmas for this 
nail polish.

SAM -- Mam, please?

MRS -- Yeah, yeah, he can see just fine. He went with Ananias.

SAM -- Ananias? And where does he live?

MRS -- On the other side of town. And I do mean the OTHER side 
of town. If railroad tracks were invented he would live on the 
wrong side of them, if you know what I mean. 

SAM -- I think I can find him. (backs away) Thanks for your help.

MRS -- (exiting) I can't believe I bought this stuff.

SAM -- (to audience, crossing) I made my way to the poor section 
of Damascus and found the house of Ananias.

LOLA - (young, low, breathy voice, enters) Hello, good looking.

SAM -- Can I assume that you are not Ananias?

LOLA - Oh, I'm sorry, Daddy's not at home. In fact, nobody is 
home. Would you like to come in and keep me company?

SAM -- Huh?

LOLA - Close your mouth, big boy. You're drooling.

SAM -- Huh? Oh, yeah, ah where was I?

LOLA - Would you like to come in?

SAM -- Yes..., no.

LOLA - Well, what is it? Yes or no?

SAM -- Maybe later. Yeah, definitely later. Right now, I have to 
find a guy named Saul of Tarsus.

LOLA - Oh, he's gone now. The Lord somehow convinced him that 
Jesus was the messiah. But, when he started preaching about 
Jesus in the synagogue, the Jews tried to kill him. We had to 
lower him in a basket from our window to help him escape. He 
went back to Jerusalem. He's probably preaching to the 
Greek-speaking Jews in the temple right now.

SAM -- Oh, great. I find true love and I have to leave town.

LOLA - I'll be waiting for your return, handsome. (exits)

SAM -- (to audience, crossing) I reluctant returned to 
Jerusalem and stopped by the Sanhedrin.

DOLL - (enters) So, what do you want?

SAM -- I found your man.

DOLL - Oh, really?

SAM -- So, when do I get my money?

DOLL - When do I get Saul?

SAM -- He's right here in Jerusalem. I'm told he's preaching to 
the Greek-speaking Jews in the temple.

DOLL - Nice try. 

SAM -- What do you mean?

DOLL - We tried to kill him there, but he escaped.

SAM -- You didn't say you were going to kill him.

DOLL - The dirty, low down rat, defected to the Christians. And 
his friends smuggled him over to Caesarea. If you want your bag 
of silver, get over there and find him.

SAM -- Any chance I could get a little advance?

DOLL - You get zero, zip, nada, zilch. Take a hike. (exits)

SAM -- (deep breath, to audience, crossing) I went over to 
Caesarea, but found out that Saul had moved on to Tarsus. So, I 
went over to Tarsus, only to find that Saul had moved back to 
Jerusalem. (crosses back) Back at Jerusalem, I stopped in at the 

Hiya, doll.

DOLL - (enters) He went to Antioch. Hit the road. (exits) 

SAM -- (to audience, strolling across) Nice to see you too. (to 
audience, crossing) I hurried to Antioch to catch Saul before he 
blew town again, only to find out that Saul seemed to disappear 
into thin air. Several people reported that a guy named Saul 
came into town, but noone named Saul left town. A few people 
reported a new guy in town named Paul. This Paul was a Christian 
too. But Paul was last seen boarding a ship in the Mediterranean 
Sea, headed for points unknown. Sad to say, this was one case 
that went unsolved. Well, this case wasn't a total loss. During 
my investigations, I had found a new love interest in Damascus.

Hiya, doll face! I...

MOM -- (deep voice, harsh, enter) Are you the guy who tried to 
make a move on my daughter?

SAM -- (backs away) Me? No. Sorry, wrong house. (to audience, 
crossing to chairs) So, there you have it. I get no Saul, no 
money and no love interest. But you know what they say. You win 
some, you lose some and some get rained out. I went back to my 
office, you know, (feet up) to follow an important lead. Let's 
see now. Where was I? (snores)

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