SACRIFIC 4'2m0f Joseph buys the sacrifice for his first born

JOSEPH -- (enters, looks around as if in a store)

HAROLD -- (greasy, enters with two boxes, sets them DC) Well, 
hello, there! Welcome to Sacrifices R Us. May I help you find a 

JOSEPH -- Ah, yes, we just had a baby and... 

HAROLD -- Well, congratulations! Is it your first?

JOSEPH -- Yes.

HAROLD -- Boy or girl?

JOSEPH -- A boy. 

HAROLD -- Well, congratulations! Then, I suppose you came to 
Jerusalem to consecrate your first born to the Lord.

JOSEPH -- Well, yes.

HAROLD -- You're from out of town, are you?

JOSEPH -- Yes.

HAROLD -- From your accent, I'd guess you're from way out in the 
boondocks near the Sea of Galilee.

JOSEPH -- Why, yes. Nazareth, to be exact.

HAROLD -- And you don't get to town much?

JOSEPH -- No, I'm a carpenter and my business keeps me close to 

HAROLD -- Well, welcome to Jerusalem. (offers hand)

JOSEPH -- (shakes) Thank you.

HAROLD -- (shakes vigorously) It certainly is nice to shake the 
hand of a carpenter from Nazareth. My name is Harold Nilmyer. 
And you are...

JOSEPH -- Ah, Joseph. (pries hand away) Nice to meet you too.

HAROLD -- So, Joseph, you need a sacrifice in keeping with 
consecrating your first born to the Lord, heh?

JOSEPH -- Ah yeah, I was thinking of two...

HAROLD -- Well, then, let me recommend these two flawless 
unspotted lambs. (points to exit)

(from offstage: baah, baah)

The chief priest will certainly be impressed with you. He'll 
know that you're no hick.

JOSEPH -- Well, those are nice lambs alright, but I was thinking 

HAROLD -- I can see that you are a really shrewd shopper, 
Joseph. A real sophisticate. Alright, look over here. (points 
to exit) Look at the shiny, healthy coat on these two 
one-year-old goats. 

(from offstage: baah, baah)

You can't go wrong with high quality goats for your sacrifice.

JOSEPH -- Probably, not but, I was thinking....

HAROLD -- You're right, Joseph. You're absolutely right. A more 
thoughtful sacrifice and much more visible to the high priest 
would be a pair of geese. (points to exit)

(from offstage: honk, honk)

JOSEPH -- Well....

HAROLD -- Or perhaps, though they are a little less expensive, 
how about a pair of ducks? (points)

(from offstage: quack quack quack)

JOSEPH -- The Torah calls for a pair of doves.

HAROLD -- (smile melts) Oh. You know the Torah?

JOSEPH -- Yes. 

HAROLD -- Listen, a pair of pigeons would cost you just a tiny 
bit more and wouldn't get overlooked among all those other 
run-of-the-mill sacrifices. (picks up box) Look at these 
beautiful, colorful pigeons!

JOSEPH -- Thanks, anyway, but I'll take a pair of doves.

HAROLD -- Oh. 

JOSEPH -- Yeah, I need to stick to the strict instructions of 
the Torah.

HAROLD -- Yes, of course. (drops box)

JOSEPH -- After all, my son is the Messiah.

HAROLD -- The messiah. I see.

JOSEPH -- (pause) So, may I see the doves?

HAROLD -- You're son is the Messiah?

JOSEPH -- Yes.

HAROLD -- But the Messiah was prophesied to be born in 

JOSEPH -- Yes.

HAROLD -- But you said you're from Nazareth. 

JOSEPH -- Oh. He was born during the census.

HAROLD -- And?

JOSEPH -- And my family is from the line of David and so we had 
to go to Bethlehem for the census.

HAROLD -- So, you're son is really THE messiah.

JOSEPH -- Uh huh.

HAROLD -- I see. (pause)

JOSEPH -- So, can I see your selection of doves?

HAROLD -- Are you sure that a pair of doves is enough of a 
sacrifice for the firstborn messiah?

JOSEPH -- I'm quite sure. It's what Moses prescribed.

HAROLD -- (disgusted, kicks a box toward Joseph) That'll be 6 
minas. (holds out hand)

JOSEPH -- One of these doves is dead.

HAROLD -- I'm sure he's just roosting.

JOSEPH -- Birds don't roost belly up.

HAROLD -- I'm sure you're mistaken.

JOSEPH -- The other dove has a broken wing and no tail feathers.

HAROLD -- What do you want for 6 minas?

JOSEPH -- A sacrifice to the Lord has to be a real sacrifice. It 
has to be the choicest of doves.

HAROLD -- Those are the choicest that we have.

JOSEPH -- May I see the others?

HAROLD -- Those were the last ones. Therefore, they are the 
choicest ones we have.

JOSEPH -- Well, then, I think I'll take the choicest ones...

HAROLD -- (smiles broadly) ...That's more like it!...

JOSEPH -- ...(exits) from across the street.

HAROLD -- (follows) Listen, are you sure your messiah doesn't 
deserve a better quality sacrifice? How about a grain offering 
or a drink offering...

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