LAODICEA 4'2m?f Laodicea: the heat is on but they're lukewarm

JESUS -- (enters, looks around, shouts) Hello. Is anybody here?

LOUIS -- (enters opposite) Hello. Welcome to Laodicea Community 
Church. Are you lost?

JESUS -- Lost?

LOUIS -- Yes. Judging from your appearance, I'd guess you're 
not from around here.

JESUS -- Oh, no. I came to talk to you about your church.

LOUIS -- I hope you're not thinking of settling here. I think 
this church is a little out of your league.

JESUS -- I think you may be right. But just in case I have a 
change of luck, can you tell me about your church?

LOUIS -- Say, you're not looking for a hand-out, are you?

JESUS -- No. I'm quite content with what I have. Can you tell me 
about your church?

LOUIS -- Oh, very well. It's rather well known in Laodicea, that 
our church has the highest per capita income of any church in 
this region. We also have the largest pipe organ, the largest 
auditorium, the largest baptistry and the largest campus.

JESUS -- I see. But tell me, what kind of ministries do you have 
in this church?

LOUIS -- We have a church service on Sunday morning and one on 
Wednesday night. Our members have the highest percentage of 
attendance at both Sunday and mid-week service. 

JESUS -- I mean, what do the members DO? How do they serve?

LOUIS -- One of the requirements for membership at our church is 
that they must tithe. That is, they must give ten percent of 
their income to the church.

JESUS -- I know what a tithe is....

LOUIS -- Our members also set the pace in this region for Bible 
reading and scripture memory.

JESUS -- That's quite admirable. But what I was asking is "what 
do they do with this knowledge? How do they serve?

LOUIS -- We have the largest choir of any church in the region 
and once a year our women's ministry puts on the largest 
boutique of any church in the area.

JESUS -- And what do they do with the money?

LOUIS -- Well, they give it to the church, of course. You don't 
think a church organization would have a fund raiser and pocket 
the money, do you?

JESUS -- I guess what I'm asking is what does the church use the 
money for?

LOUIS -- You ARE after a hand-out, aren't you?!

JESUS -- No. I don't need your money. I'm interested in your 

LOUIS -- Oh. Well, actually, we're in the middle of a building 
program now.

JESUS -- A building program?

LOUIS -- Yes.

JESUS -- So, your church is expanding?

LOUIS -- Well, no. Actually, we're losing members.

JESUS -- But you're in the middle of a building program?

LOUIS -- Yes, we're building a new bell tower with carillons, a 
new prayer garden with a beautiful water fall and we're 
upgrading the carpet and upholstery in the sanctuary. Did I 
mention that all of our members tithe?

JESUS -- Yes, but what good does it do?

LOUIS -- I beg your pardon!

JESUS -- Do you serve anyone?

LOUIS -- Serve? Do we serve?

JESUS -- Yes.

LOUIS -- Does this look like a restaurant?! We're not here to 

JESUS -- So, you don't support orphans and widows?

LOUIS -- Orphans and widows could never afford to live in this 

JESUS -- You don't reach out to unbelievers or give money to the 

LOUIS -- Why would we want to do that? That would just 
encourage them to hang around.

JESUS -- Lukewarm.

LOUIS -- Excuse me?

JESUS -- I said your church is lukewarm.

LOUIS -- Is that supposed to be an insult?

JESUS -- I'm about to spit you out of my mouth.

LOUIS -- You'll do no such thing on this carpet! This is the 
house of God!

JESUS -- (turns, exits) It was until you drove him out.

LOUIS -- (turns, exits) Well! I never! The people who call 
themselves Christians!

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