JUDAS    3'2m0f Betrayal for 30 pieces of silver

FRED -- (backs onto stage, looks around, works his way to DC)

ED --   (enters, approaches Fred) You wanted to see me?

FRED -- Yeah, are you the high priest?

ED --   Yes, I am. What may I help you with?

FRED -- I understand you're offering a reward to any apostle who 
will betray Jesus?

ED --   Why, yes, we are. Do you know someone?

FRED -- How much are you paying?

ED --   Thirty pieces of silver. So, which of the apostles is 
willing to betray Jesus?

FRED -- Me.

ED --   I thought I knew all the apostles. But I don't recognize 

FRED -- I'm, ah,... Judas?

ED --   There are two apostles named Judas. 

FRED -- Oh, good. I'm one of them.

ED --   So, which one are you?

FRED -- You know. (shrugs)

ED --   Judas Iscariot?

FRED -- Yeah, that's him... me.

ED --   Judas is distant cousin of mine and I don't...

FRED -- Cuz! It's nice to see you again! (shakes his hand 

ED --   (peels his hand off) Now, granted, I haven't seen him 
since he started up with Jesus, but you don't look anything like 
what I remember.

FRED -- I lost a lot of weight,... Cuz.

ED --   He was skinnier than you.

FRED -- Like I said, I put on a lot of weight. So where's my 

ED --   Not so fast. If you're really an apostle you'll know the 
name of Jesus' mother?

FRED -- Mom. I always called her Mom.

ED --   Her name is Mary.

FRED -- Yeah, that's it. MARY! You know, I called her Mom for so 
long that I almost forgot her name was Mary. So, where's my 

ED --   Let's see how much you know about Jesus' miracles.

FRED -- Hey, did you know that I did some miracles too?

ED --   How many people did Jesus feed with five small barley 
loaves and two small fish.

FRED -- Five or six.

ED --   He fed 5000.

FRED -- Oh, did I say 5? I meant 5000. So, can I have my money?

ED --   What kind of tree did Jesus curse and kill because it 
wouldn't produce fruit?

FRED -- Fig?

ED --   How many apostles does Jesus have?

FRED -- Was I right about the fig tree? Yes, I was right. Of 
course, I was right. What were you saying about the apostles?

ED --   How many?

FRED -- Six?

ED --   Twelve.

FRED -- We started small and worked our way up.

ED --   I'm sure. How did he heal the man with leprosy?

FRED -- Abracadabra?

ED --   Wrong.

FRED -- Hokuspokus?

ED --   Wrong. He touched him.

FRED -- That's very funny! (laughs) He would never touch a 
leper! (laughs) Unless he was the messiah, which he was. So, he 
definitely touched him. I personally healed a lot of lepers that 
way touching them, I mean. So, when do I get the 

ED --   At the wedding in Cana, what did Jesus turn into wine?

FRED -- Beer?

ED --   Wrong.

FRED -- Oh, that was the wedding in CANA. That was so long 
ago... I...

ED --   It was last week.

FRED -- Seems like yesterday. Let's see, what was in those 

ED --   Jars.

FRED -- Jars. Now what was in those jars? Can I have a clue?

ED --   You're not an apostle!

FRED -- Oh, yes, I am! I have apostle written all over me. It 
was water in those jars. Wasn't it? Yes, it was. It was water. 
Jesus turned water into wine. Isn't that amazing?

ED --   Who did Jesus raise from the dead?

FRED -- He did that?

ED --   Goodbye.

FRED -- So, you don't think I'm Judas what's-his-name?

ED --   Iscariot. 

FRED -- Whatever.

ED --   No, I don't.

FRED -- Okay, then, I admit it. I'm not him. But if I can get 
him to betray Jesus, do I get the thirty pieces of silver?

ED --   I think that can be arranged....

FRED -- Good, Jesus is as good as betrayed. (turns to exit)

ED --   ....if you can answer this question.

FRED -- Question?

ED --   The Roman centurion came to Jesus and asked him to heal 
somebody. Who did he ask Jesus to heal?

FRED -- Caesar?

ED --   Goodbye!

FRED -- Pontius Pilate?

ED --   Goodbye!

FRED -- King Herod?

ED --   (exits) Goodbye! 

FRED -- (follows) Just tell me what letter it starts with... 
A... B... C... D... Stop me when I get close.

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