BACK FISHTAX 5'4m0f Jesus pays the temple tax from a fish's mouth HERB -- (enters briskly, stops, turns) Will you come on?! He'll be here any minute! MORT -- (enters reluctantly) Explain to me again what I'm doing all the way out here in Capernaum. HERB -- We're here to have a showdown with Jesus. And he'll be here any minute. Come on! MORT -- But the temple is in Jerusalem. (points over shoulder) HERB -- Yes. So? MORT -- So, my job is to collect the temple tax. HERB -- Yes. So? MORT -- So, this is as far away from the temple as you can get and still be in Israel. HERB -- Yes. So? MORT -- So, what am I doing here? HERB -- (sigh) I've explained this to you a half dozen times. I have a plan to shut down Jesus once and for all. YOU are going to ask him to pay the two-drachma temple tax. MORT -- Uh huh. HERB -- Now, if he pays you the two-drachma temple tax, he will be admitting that he is a mere man, not the son of God. MORT -- Uh huh. HERB -- But if he claims to be the Son of God, he will claim to be exempt from the tax. MORT -- Uh huh. HERB -- And if he refuses to pay the temple tax, we will refuse to let him into the temple. Get it? MORT -- Uhuh. HERB -- (shrugs shoulders, slaps hips in disgust) The long and the short of it is, whether he pays the temple tax or refuses to pay, we've got him. Understand? MORT -- No. HERB -- (shrugs shoulders, slaps hips in disgust) Alright, forget it. I don't have time to explain. Here he comes. All you have to remember is that when Jesus gets here, you ask him to pay the temple tax. Got it? MORT -- Got it. PETER - (enters opposite) Oh, man! Can you believe it?! Jesus (points over shoulder) just predicted that he will be betrayed and killed by the Jewish leaders! This is terrible! MORT -- (approaches) So, you going to pay the temple tax or not? PETER - Excuse me? MORT -- I'm here to collect the temple tax. Pay up. HERB -- (to Mort) Not now. MORT -- Do you mind? I'm collecting taxes here. HERB -- This man is a fisherman. MORT -- So? You told me to collect the two drachma temple tax from him.... HERB -- I didn't drag you all the way out here to Capernaum to collect two stinking drachmas from a fisherman. MORT -- But you said.... HERB -- I said when Jesus gets here. MORT -- He's here. (to Peter) So, pay up, buddy. HERB -- I've been trying to tell you, this is not Jesus. MORT -- Then, who is this? HERB -- This is Peter, his right-hand man. MORT -- Oh. (to Peter) Okay, here's the deal. Your boss owes me two drachmas for the temple tax. Is he going to pay up? PETER - (preoccupied) Sure. MORT -- (to Herb) Hey, he's going to pay up! HERB -- Can't you do anything right?! MORT -- What do you mean? I'm a tax collector. I asked him to pay. He says he's going to pay. I did my job. Now let's collect the dough and go home. HERB -- (sigh) Oh, brother! This is the wrong guy! I want to hear it from the horse's mouth. MORT -- (looks around) I don't see any horses. HERB -- Ask him where Jesus is. MORT -- So, where is Jesus ? PETER - They're going to kill him. MORT -- Not until I get my dough. Where is he? PETER - (points over shoulder) JESUS - (enters) Do not be troubled. I will raise again from the dead. HERB -- (to Mort) Ask him about the temple tax. MORT -- (to Peter) Ask him about the temple tax. HERB -- (to Mort) No him! You! PETER - (to Jesus) Oh, ah, Jesus, these men have come to collect the temple tax. JESUS - What do you think, Simon? From whom do the kings of the earth collect duty and taxes--from their own sons or from others? PETER - From others. The sons are exempt. Oh. I see. You are the son of God. And, since the temple is the dwelling place of God, I should tell them that you are exempt from the temple tax. HERB -- What did I tell you?! He's falling right in my trap! JESUS - But so that we may not offend them, go to the lake and throw out your line. Take the first fish you catch; open its mouth and you will find a four-drachma coin. (crossing by Mort and Herb) Take it and give it to them for my tax and yours. (exits) PETER - (exits where he entered) As you say, rabbi. HERB -- (hands on hips in disgust) Of all the arrogance! Who does he think he is? MORT -- I don't know? Who? HERB -- He just wiggled out of paying the temple tax without refusing to pay. MORT -- He did? HERB -- Yes. MORT -- He can't do that! HERB -- Well, he just did. Boy, he is a sly one! PETER - (enters with rubber fish, hands it Mort) Here you go. MORT -- Wait a minute! This is not a tax, this is a fish! PETER - (follows Jesus shouting) Rabbi, wait! Tell me about this raising from the dead! (exits) HERB -- (hands on hips in disgust) Of all the arrogance! Who does he think he is? MORT -- (opens fish's mouth) Hey! There's a four drachma coin in the fish's mouth. HERB -- (hands on hips in disgust) Of all the arrogance! Who does he think he is? MORT -- (holds up coin) Well, it looks like God just paid the temple tax for the Son of God. I would say he thinks he's GOD. (hands fish to herb) follows Jesus running) Hey, Jesus, wait up! (exits) HERB -- (exits holding fish at arm's length) Of all the arrogance! Who does he think he is? ©2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected] BACK |