FALSE    5'2m0f Herod encounters the messiah... or does he?

HEROD -- (Enters L regally, sits on thrown DC, shouts) Send in 
the prisoner.

FRED --- (enters R, running, stumbling, as if thrown into the 
room, shouts toward R) Watch it, buddy. I'm the messiah, you 
know. I could call down fire and brimstone on you.

HEROD -- Down on your knees before me, you knave.

FRED --- Who do you think you are, buddy?

HEROD -- I am Herod, King of Judea.

FRED --- (kneels) Hey, listen, I'm sorry, I ah...

HEROD -- Do you know why you were arrested?

FRED --- Oh. Say, listen, I can explain. The accusations against 
me are completely false. Those people GAVE me the money. Can I 
help it if they wanted to give me money?

HEROD -- I'm not talking about that. Are you, or are you not 
claiming to be the messiah?

FRED --- Ah, do you know the messiah?

HEROD -- No.

FRED --- Oh, then, I'm the messiah, for sure.

HEROD -- Uh huh.

FRED --- Yeah, I'm the messiah, alright. I tell ya, when people 
find out that you're the messiah, they just throw money at you.

HEROD -- Uh huh.

FRED --- So, can I go now? (stands)

HEROD -- How do I know that you're the messiah?

FRED --- Are you sure you don't know the messiah?

HEROD -- I've never met him. So, how do I know that you are who 
you claim to be?

FRED --- You know John? The baptist guy? 

HEROD -- Yes, I know John the baptist. He's supposed to be 
related to messiah.

FRED --- He is? Oh, yeah, he's my uncle.

HEROD -- Cousin.

FRED --- Cousin. I meant cousin. My cousin told everybody I was 

HEROD -- But how do I know that you are the one he was talking 

FRED --- Well, look at my sandals. (points)

HEROD -- Your sandals.

FRED --- Yeah. John, the baptist guy, my cousin, said that he 
was not worthy to untie my sandals. Do my sandals look untied?

HEROD -- You can do better than that.

FRED --- Listen, why don't I just give the money back.

HEROD -- Or I could have your head removed like I did to John.

FRED --- You did that?

HEROD -- The messiah has the gift of prophecy. He would know 
that I had John beheaded.

FRED --- I knew that. I was just testing you. As soon as you had 
his head cut off, I knew it. Can I go now?

HEROD -- No. You still haven't proven to me that you are the 

FRED --- I did miracles.

HEROD -- Uh huh.

FRED --- No, really, I did lots of miracles. I walked on water.

HEROD -- Where?

FRED --- Where? It was on the Dead Sea.

HEROD -- The Sea of Galilee.

FRED --- Did I say the Dead Sea? I meant the Sea of Galilee. 
Piece of cake, walking on water. I also healed people.

HEROD -- Name one.

FRED --- Oh, I don't know. There were do many. Did you hear 
that I made a blind man see?

HEROD -- Yes. What was his name?

FRED --- I also made a deaf man hear.

HEROD -- The one in Galilee?

FRED --- Oh. You heard about that one?

HEROD -- Yes. 

FRED --- Then let me tell you about another one...

HEROD -- No, I want to hear about how you made the deaf man 

FRED --- I shouted in his ear.

HEROD -- My sources tell me that the messiah put his fingers in 
the deaf man's ears.

FRED --- You're kidding. With all that ear wax? (clears throat) 
Ah, yeah, I did that one too. But there was another one. This 
one I had to shout at. He was deaf you know. 

HEROD -- There was no other one in Galilee.

FRED --- You're right. Turns this one wasn't deaf at all. Turns 
out he just wasn't listening. As soon as I yelled at him, he 
started listening.

HEROD -- You also turned water into wine.

FRED --- Oh, yeah, I'll never forget that. That was over in.... 
over in... help me out here...

HEROD -- No.

FRED --- Bethsaida.

HEROD -- Wrong.

FRED --- Jericho.

HEROD -- Cana.

FRED --- Cana. At a bar and grill in Cana.

HEROD -- It was at a wedding.

FRED --- The wedding was at a bar and grill.

HEROD -- You're not the messiah.

FRED --- Oh, yes, I am!

HEROD -- Did you ever raise a dead person to life?

FRED --- Are you kidding? Nobody can do that!... Except the 
messiah and that would be me. Resurrection is my forte.

HEROD -- Where?

FRED --- Where?

HEROD -- Where? 

FRED --- Let's see it was a long way away from here.

HEROD -- It's only two miles away.

FRED --- Like I said, it was real close. Let's see. What does it 
begin with? Stop me when I get close. A... B... C... D...

HEROD -- It was in Bethany.

FRED --- Oh, yeah, Bethany. It was so long ago.

HEROD -- It was last week.

FRED --- Time flies when you're having fun. Yeah, I'll never 
forget when what's-her-name...

HEROD -- HIS name was Lazarus.

FRED --- Oh, well, who can remember them all?

HEROD -- He was one of your best friends.

FRED --- Oh, THAT Lazarus! Yeah, I'll never forget him. You 
should have seen me. I stood next to his grave and....

HEROD -- It was a tomb.

FRED --- Like I said, I stood outside his tomb and shouted, 
"Lazarus, come out."

HEROD -- That's exactly what he said!

FRED --- It was?! I mean, what did you expect? I told you I'm 
the messiah.

HEROD -- Then you can prophecy what happens in the future.

FRED --- Oh, sure. (pause) 

HEROD -- Well? What happens this week?

FRED --- Ah, I know what happens, but you just tell me what you 
think happens.

HEROD -- The messiah has to pay for the sins of his people...

FRED --- Oh, that! Sure, how much? I happen to have a lot of 
cash on me at the moment.

HEROD -- ...with his life.

FRED --- Excuse me?

HEROD -- The messiah has to die for his people. 

FRED --- He does? I mean, I do? How did you know that?

HEROD -- It was in your Bible.

FRED --- My Bible.

HEROD -- The book of Daniel. 

FRED --- Well, what did Daniel know?

HEROD -- Also the books of Ezekiel, Isaiah, Jeremiah and the 
Psalms of David.

FRED --- No kidding. I mean.... Well, see, we changed all that. 
I have the revised prophecy (taps pockets) right here somewhere. 
No, by George, left the revised prophecy in my other pants. I 
hate when that happens.

HEROD -- The messiah will be flogged until his back looks like a 
piece of raw meat. (pantomime, Fred reacts to each lash) Then a 
crown of thorns is pressed into his scalp. (demonstrates, Fred 
cringes) Then he is nailed (pantamimes, Fred sinks to the floor 
slowly with each blow) to a cross by his hands and feet so 
that he might die a slow agonizing death. 

FRED --- (pauses, jumps to his feet) April fool! I'm not the 
messiah. (laughs nervously)

HEROD -- (exits R) Guards, take him away.

FRED --- See, this was all just a big eloborate joke. I'm sure 
you've heard of MESSIAHgrams. Ha ha ha ha. (Discovers that Herod 
is gone, follows, shouting) MESSIAHgrams are all the rage now, 
King Herod? King Herod?

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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