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CASTLOTS 4'3m0f Matthias is chosen by lot to replace Judas

(scene: bare stage, except podium and two dice DC)

(Peter and Matthias enter, cross to podium, conversing quietly)

BARSABBAS - (enters opposite, crosses to podium) Hi, Peter.

PETER ----- Barsabbas! Thank you for coming. You know Matthias?

BARSABBAS - (shakes hands with Matthias) Yes, how are you, 
Matthias?

MATTHIAS -- Barsabbas. (nods)

BARSABBAS - What's this all about, Peter?

PETER ----- We're going to choose an apostle to replace Judas 
Iscariot.

BARSABBAS - Well, then, I'm your man. Where do I sign?

PETER ----- Not so fast, Barsabbas. We have to do this God's 
way.

BARSABBAS - Oh, I get it. You have to swear me in, huh? How do 
we do this? You want me standing up or kneeling down? (kneels) 
Kneeling is good.

PETER ----- Ah, you don't understand. We haven't selected Judas' 
successor yet.

BARSABBAS - (stands) So, what's to select? I'm the best man for 
the job. 

PETER ----- Well, Matthias is well qualified too.

BARSABBAS - I beg to differ. I have healed more lepers, I have 
driven out more demons, I even healed blind people. So, how is 
Matthias more qualified?

PETER ----- Matthias is humble.

BARSABBAS - Oh. Hey, I'm humble too. I'm way more humble than 
Matthias. In fact, I may be the most humble disciple in the 
bunch.

PETER ----- I'm sure. But, let's let God choose the next 
apostle.

BARSABBAS - I can already tell you who he'll choose. 

PETER ----- I didn't know you had the gift of prophecy.

BARSABBAS - Well, I don't, but...

PETER ----- Then, we'll cast lots.

BARSABBAS - Lots?! You mean throw dice?

PETER ----- Yes.

BARSABBAS - Well, that's not fair. 

PETER ----- What could be more fair than casting lots?

BARSABBAS - Well, it's all luck. Do you want the BEST man or the 
LUCKIEST man?

PETER ----- Don't you believe that God can make the dice fall 
the way he wants them to?

BARSABBAS - Okay, yeah, sure. Dice is good.

PETER ----- Alright, Barsabbas, you cast first. (offers dice to 
Barsabbas)

BARSABBAS - No, let Matthias cast first. I'm feeling real lucky 
today. (clears throat) I mean, I'm confident God will choose the 
best man.

PETER ----- Alright, Matthias, you cast first.

MATTHIAS -- (takes dice, rolls) Three.

BARSABBAS - (pumps arm, whispers loud) Yes! (aloud) I mean, gee, 
that's too bad. He only got a three. What a shame. Matthias is a 
good man.

PETER ----- Your cast, Barsabbas. 

BARSABBAS - (picks up dice, shakes them by ear, blows on them) 
Come on, mama, baby needs a new pair of shoes.

PETER ----- Excuse me?

BARSABBAS - I mean, ah, may the Lord bless my cast. (throws)

PETER ----- Two.

BARSABBAS - Snake eyes?! How could I throw snake eyes? Let me 
see those dice. (looks dice over thoroughly) Two. I'll be 
darned.

PETER ----- So, I guess the Lord has chosen Matthias as our 
newest apostle.

BARSABBAS - (shakes dice by ear) Best two out of three.

PETER ----- Well, I don't...

BARSABBAS - Hey, if God chose him once, couldn't he chose him 
twice?

PETER ----- Well, alright.

BARSABBAS - I'll throw first. (blows on, shakes dice) Seven come 
eleven, come on, baby! (throws)  Ahha! Eleven! Alright!

PETER ----- Matthias, your cast.

BARSABBAS - Well, since I'm on a roll, Matthias may want to just 
admit defeat. (looks at Peter) Or not...

PETER ----- Matthias?

MATTHIAS -- (picks up dice, throws unceremoniously) Twelve.

BARSABBAS - Boxcars?! Nobody's that lucky. Lemme see those dice. 
(picks them up, examines them)

PETER ----- If the Lord is involved, Barsabbas, it isn't luck.
(shakes hands with Matthias) Congratulations, Matthias. (they 
move to exit together) Let's go have all apostles lay their 
hands on you and bless your ministry.

BARSABBAS - Best three out of five?

PETER ----- Nice try. (exits with Matthias)

BARSABBAS - One roll? Winner takes all? Double or nothing? 
Peter? (puts down dice, follows) It was that humble thing, 
wasn't it? Well, I'm way more humble now than I was. In fact, 
I'm the humblest one of all.


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