BACK SALESMAN 6'2m?f A salesman sells everything but salvation SALESMAN -- Hello. Welcome to Salvation Unlimited. May I help you? CUSTOMER -- Yes. I was looking for salvation. Do you have anything that might fit me? SALESMAN -- Yes, indeed, Madame, right over here. This is the top of the line in salvation. Some denominations claim that it's not only a sure-fire way to go to heaven, but it will also give a tremendous sense of accomplishment. CUSTOMER -- It's a bit pricey, isn't it? SALESMAN -- Nothing of quality comes cheap, Madame. CUSTOMER -- Alright, I'm listening. SALESMAN -- Well, with this model, if you follow every rule every minute of every day of your life and never do anything wrong, imagine what great accolades you'll receive from the heavenly host when you get to Heaven. They'll say, "If anyone ever deserved to be in Heaven it's you." Even God will personally shake your hand. CUSTOMER -- That would be great! But, wait a minute. Suppose my feet get tired or I get a headache, or something. What if I let down for a day and make a mistake? SALESMAN -- You rot in hell for the rest of eternity. CUSTOMER -- For just one mistake? SALESMAN -- Try not to think about the costs. Think about the awe you'll inspire in your peers when you get to heaven. CUSTOMER -- So, if I bought this model, I suppose I'd be among a very select group, huh? SALESMAN -- Very select. CUSTOMER -- How select? SALESMAN -- Well, actually, you'd be (mumbles) the only one. CUSTOMER -- Excuse me? SALESMAN -- I said, you'd be the only one. CUSTOMER -- Nobody ever made it to Heaven by obeying all the rules? SALESMAN -- Well, actually, no. CUSTOMER -- Well, then why are you selling this model? SALESMAN -- Because I would get a huge commission from the Lord if someone makes it. CUSTOMER -- You can't be making a very good living if noone makes it. SALESMAN -- Well, actually, I get a small commission from the devil for every person who tries and fails to make it to heaven by obeying the rules. CUSTOMER -- Just how many people fail to make it to Heaven by obeying the rules? SALESMAN -- (fading) Let me show you a less expensive... CUSTOMER -- How many? SALESMAN -- (near) Most of my income comes from devil. (fading) Let me show you our least expensive salvation. With this model, there are no tedious rules to obey, no long term commitments. CUSTOMER -- The tag says "Apostolic succession". What does that mean? SALESMAN -- (near) To make a long story short, if the man who lays hands on you and blesses you can trace his lineage back to one of the 12 apostles, you'll make it to Heaven. CUSTOMER -- What's the catch? SALESMAN -- No catch. The denominations that sell this model swear it's the genuine article. And to tell the truth, I don't make much of a commission from this model. That means we pass the savings on to you. CUSTOMER -- And just how many people have made it to heaven by way of... ah... apostolic succession? SALESMAN -- Well, none, right away. But I heard a rumor that some of those who bought apostolic succession might make it about a thousand years after they die. CUSTOMER -- A rumor? SALESMAN -- Well, there's no Biblical foundation for apostolic succession. But, you can't beat the price! CUSTOMER -- What else you got? What about this one, "original salvation". SALESMAN -- Oh, I wouldn't bother with that one. That's as old as the hills. (fading) But, here's a trendy salvation! It's part of the New Age movement. You get to design your own salvation. It's a thinking man's spirituality. Everybody goes to heaven... CUSTOMER -- Guaranteed? SALESMAN -- (near) In theory, anyway. CUSTOMER -- Right. Let's get back to this one, "original salvation." SALESMAN -- (fading) Oh, here's one, way over here, that I think will be just perfect for you... CUSTOMER -- No, let's talk about this one. SALESMAN -- (near) Old fashioned and out-moded. Now this one over here... CUSTOMER -- How much of a commission does the devil pay you for those who fail to make it to Heaven with "original salvation"? SALESMAN -- I don't know. CUSTOMER -- What do you mean, you don't know? Does the devil pay a commission for original salvation failures or not? SALESMAN -- I don't know? Noone's ever failed. CUSTOMER -- Then, that's the one I want. SALESMAN -- Naw! (fading) This one over here is perfect for you. Let me tell you about... CUSTOMER -- How much for this one? SALESMAN -- (near) It's humiliating. You won't like it. (fading) THIS one, on the other hand, is a real bargain... CUSTOMER -- How much for ORIGINAL SALVATION? SALESMAN -- One admission of guilt and one submission to authority. CUSTOMER -- You mean, I have to admit what I've done wrong and submit to God's authority? SALESMAN -- I knew you wouldn't like it. (fading) Now, step over here and let's talk about this... CUSTOMER -- I'll take it. SALESMAN -- Huh? CUSTOMER -- I said, I'll take it. SALESMAN -- (fading) Before you decide, let me show you... CUSTOMER -- What's the matter, don't you get a very big commission from this one? SALESMAN -- Well, actually, I don't get any commission at all. God works factory direct through Jesus Christ. No middle man. CUSTOMER -- There must be some way you can make a little money off this transaction. What about offering an extended warranty? SALESMAN -- Pffff. Jesus already offers a warranty that lasts for eternity. I get no commission, no warranty extension, no rehabilitation fee, nothin'! Thanks a lot! CUSTOMER -- Am I to assume from the tone of your voice that you haven't bought any salvation for yourself? SALESMAN -- Nah! What fun would that be? CUSTOMER -- Yeah, but do you know where you'll end up? SALESMAN -- Yes, and I stand to make a fortune! CUSTOMER -- A fortune? Doing what? SALESMAN -- Selling beach-front lots on the lake of fire. ©2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected] BACK |