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ENDOR    5'1m1f King Saul seeks advice from the witch of Endor

NATASHA -- (knock, knock, knock, door opens, Romanian gypsy) Yes?

SAUL ----- Good evening. I want you to tell my fortune. Can I 
come in?

NATASHA -- Not so fast, therrre, big boy. I think you have the 
wrrronG house. I don't do forrrtunes.

SAUL ----- But aren't you the witch of Endor?

NATASHA -- Sorrry, darrrlinG, I do manicures and pedicures. Come 
back when you need yourrr nails done. (door close, knock, knock, 
knock, door open) Yes?

SAUL ----- I hate to be a pest, but if this is Endor, and yours 
is the only house in town, you have to be the witch of Endor.

NATASHA -- Sorry, darrrlinG, KinG Saul has outlawed forrrtune 
tellerrrs in Isrrrael. Good night. (door close, knock, knock, 
knock, door open) What is it now?

SAUL ----- Please, I'm desperate. My God has turned his back on 
me. I have nowhere else to turn.

NATASHA -- Arrre you trrrying to trrrap me, big boy?

SAUL ----- No, I swear. I need guidance. My God won't speak to 
me in dreams or by the prophets anymore. Please help me.

NATASHA -- Alright, darrrling, but if you rrreporrrt me to the 
KinG Saul, I'll... Say, big boy, you look a lot like King Saul. 
Yes... If you werrren't wearrring those rrrags, if you were 
wearrring rrroyal purrrple rrrobes and gold jewelrrry... Yes... 
you look a lot like King Saul. Sorry, I don't do forrrtunes.  
(door close, knock, knock, knock, door open) Yes?

SAUL ----- Please let me in.

NATASHA -- Sorry, if you'rrre not herrre to have yourrr nails 
done...

SAUL ----- Please, I'm not King Saul. I just need to have you 
call up the spirits for me. Then, I'll go. I promise, you will 
not be punished for this.

NATASHA -- Vell, alright, darrrlinG, come in. I vill call up 
just one spirit forrr you, then you must go. Who did you want to 
speak to?

SAUL ----- Samuel.

NATASHA -- Samuel? The prrrophet Samuel?

SAUL ----- Yes.

NATASHA -- He's dead.

SAUL ----- Well, yes, of course. If he was alive, I wouldn't 
need you. So, call you call up Samuel's spirit for me?

NATASHA -- Yes, darrrlinG, but there vas just the matterrr of my 
fee. Since you need this so badly, I vas thinkinG somewherrre in 
the neighborhood of... 

(klink, klink, klink, klink) 

Oooo, now that's a nice neighborhood! 200 talents vill be just 
fine. Come in and sit down, darrrlinG. I vas just thinking of 
cancelling my appointments for the rrrest of the night. I know 
lots of spirrrits you could speak to.

SAUL ----- No, I just need to talk to Samuel.

NATASHA -- Very vell, darrrlinG. Let me go into my trance 
and.... yoooong anggg... g g g g g...

SAUL ----- Are you alright?

NATASHA -- I'm fine, darrrlinG. Please sit down, while I go into 
my trance. I must go through this to bring up the spirits... 
yoooong anggg.... g g g g g...  (deep, old voice) Saul... KinG 
Saul... vhy do you disturrrb me in my grave?

SAUL ----- Is that you, Samuel?

NATASHA -- (normal voice) So, you ARE King Saul. I'm tellinG 
you, it's getting so a perrrson can't trrrust nobody nomorrre. 
Get out. Out!

SAUL ----- No, please, you're in no danger. I swear. I will 
personally see to it that noone punishes you for this. Please 
continue. Please?

NATASHA -- Verrry vell, yourrr majesty, I vill go back into my 
trance.... Yoooong aaannggg g g g g g... (deep, old voice) King 
Saul, you schlimeal, Vhat do you want from me?

SAUL ----- Samuel, I am in great distress. The Philistines are 
near victory in their fight against us. The Lord won't talk to 
me anymore. I need you to tell me what to do against the 
Philistines, just like you used to.

NATASHA -- (deep, old voice) You'll get no help frrrom me, you 
disobedient jerrrk. The Lorrrd has turrrned his back on you 
because you refused to obey him and wipe out the wicked 
Amalekites. Now you shall sufferrr the consequences. Yourrr 
arrrmy shall be defeated and you and yourrr thrrree son shall 
die in the battle. Now, leave me alone and let me sleep.

SAUL ----- You mean, I'm as good as dead?

NATASHA -- (deep, old voice) Beforrre you die, big boy, give the 
witch of Endorrr another 100 shekels.

SAUL ----- Nice try.

NATASHA -- (regular voice) It vas vorrrth a trrry, no?

SAUL ----- I'm as good as dead.

NATASHA -- Vould you like to go forrr a second opinion? I'm 
rrrunning a special tonight. Buy two spirrrits get one frrree. 
So, who vould you like to talk to? Moses? Abrrraham? Joshua?

SAUL ----- No, what good would it do? They'd just tell me the 
same thing, that I'll die in battle, along with my three sons.

NATASHA -- So, stay for dinner.

SAUL ----- I AM hungry. I've been so caught up with the battle 
strategy with the Philistines that I haven't eaten all day.

NATASHA -- Verrry good. First, ve'll starrrt off vith a cold 
consume', then a tossed spinach salad vith a tanGy oil and 
vinegarrr drrressinG, then leg of Lamb ala rrrrang and finally 
forrr deserrrt we have a delicate rrrasberrrry sorrrbe'. (cash 
register, ching, ching) that'll be 200 shekels.


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