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DAGON    7'2m0f The Ark of the Covenant impacts Dagon's temple

SMITH --- (phone rings) Ashdad police. This is detective Smith.

PRIEST -- (hand over mouth) Hello, this is the priest from the 
Temple of Dagon.

SMITH --- Why are you cupping your hand over your mouth?

PRIEST -- I thought it would make me sound like I was on the 
phone. It's okay, isn't it? We're on the radio, noone can see 
me. Can they?

SMITH --- I'm sure you've got them all fooled. It sounds just 
like a real phone. Really. So, what can I help you with your 
priestness?

PRIEST -- (hand over mouth) I'd like to report a vandalism.

SMITH --- Okay, I have just one question.

PRIEST -- (hand over mouth) Sure. What is it?

SMITH --- How do you spell vandalism?

PRIEST -- V... A... N...  Vandalism... V... A... N... D... 
Vandalism... V... A... N... D... A... Vandalism....

SMITH --- (aside) Three hours later, I hung up the phone and 
started the investigation. I drove out to the Temple of Dagon.

Hello, my name is Detective Smith. I'm with the Ashdad police 
department. You called about a vandalism?

PRIEST -- I think I've got it now, it's V... A... N... D...

SMITH --- It's okay, I looked it up in the dictionary.

PRIEST -- Oh, man! I had it! Let me look on your report, there 
and see how you spelled it.

SMITH --- Let's get on with the investigation. If you'll just 
clear this mess out my way, I'd like to comb the area for 
evidence.

PRIEST -- But, this IS the evidence, Detective Smith. It was a 
vandalism.

SMITH --- Oh, yes, of course. So, did you get the license number 
of the truck that knocked over this big sculpture?

PRIEST -- It was no truck, Detective Smith. I know that for 
sure.

SMITH --- How do you know?

PRIEST -- This is the Old Testament. Trucks won't be invented 
for another 3000 years.

SMITH --- Yes, of course. So, tell me all you know.

PRIEST -- Well, let's see. I know that men don't understand 
women. I'm not the same man my wife married ten years ago. I 
never help around the house...

SMITH --- I was referring to the vandalism.

PRIEST -- Oh, sure. This is the second time this has happened 
since we stole the Ark of the Covenant from Israel.

SMITH --- The Ark of the Covenant. You mean that big gold box 
there with the angels on the lid?

PRIEST -- Yes. The first morning after it arrived, we found the 
statue of our great god Dagon, face down in front of the arch of 
the covenant, just like it is now. Fred, the janitor, who first 
discovered it, said it looked as if Dagon was bowing to the Ark 
of the Covenant. Isn't that silly?

SMITH --- But the statue didn't break the first time?

PRIEST -- No, sir. But this time, both arms and the head of 
Dagon broke off.

SMITH --- So, that it!

PRIEST -- That's what?

SMITH --- This was a statue! I thought it was a sculpture of a 
baseball bat.

PRIEST -- What's a baseball bat?

SMITH --- It's a little hard to explain. So, where are the head 
and the arms?

PRIEST -- They rolled all the way over there to the doorway.

SMITH --- There's something funny going on around here.

PRIEST -- Funny? Well, if it's funny, then it's probably not 
this comedy sketch.

SMITH --- No, it has to do with the Ark of the Covenant. How 
could a big gold box with angels on top be connected to the 
vandalism? Unless... Unless there were some midgets hidden 
inside the box. Can you see the possibilities there?

PRIEST -- No possibilities there at all. There's just two stone 
tablets inside the Ark.

SMITH --- I wasn't talking about possibilities for suspects, I 
was talking about possibilities for SHORT jokes. We could have 
saved this comedy sketch from oblivion. But you blew it.

PRIEST -- Sorry.

SMITH --- (aside) The mystery of the broken Dagon statue 
remained a mystery until after I transferred from the Ashdad 
police department to the Ekron Police Department.

PRIEST -- (afar) Who are you talking to?

SMITH --- I'm talking to the audience. This is how we connect 
one scene with another on the radio.

PRIEST -- (afar) Oh. Well, don't let me interrupt.

SMITH --- (Phone rings) Ekron Police Department. This is 
detective Smith.

PRIEST -- Please, you've got to help us!

SMITH --- You sound an awful lot like the priest over in 
Ashdad.

PRIEST -- The other actor didn't show up tonight. You don't 
think the audience will notice, do you? (pause) What are you 
looking at?

SMITH --- You have a styrofoam cup over your microphone.

PRIEST -- Yes, I do.

SMITH --- Why do you have a styrofoam cup over your microphone?

PRIEST -- To make it sound like I'm on the telephone. You didn't 
seem to like it when I cupped my hand over my mouth, so...

SMITH --- I can't believe you have a styrofoam cup on your 
microphone.

PRIEST -- Please help us! We have tumors!

SMITH --- Tumors?!

PRIEST -- Yes, everyone in Ekron is breaking out with tumors. 
Please help us!

SMITH --- I'm afraid you've got the wrong number, buddy. You 
want the health department.

PRIEST -- No, they're all dead. They died of tumors.

SMITH --- This wouldn't just happen to have anything to do with 
the Ark of the Covenant, would it?

PRIEST -- What makes you ask that?

SMITH --- Well, the script was running a little long, so I 
thought we'd save a little time.

PRIEST -- Oh. Why, yes, Detective Smith, as a matter of fact the 
tumors started the day we brought the Ark of the Covenant here 
to Ekron from the Temple of Dagon in Ashdad.

SMITH --- Where was the Ark of the Covenant BEFORE it went to 
Ashdad?

PRIEST -- It all started when Eli, the leader of the Hebrews, 
allowed his two sons to lead a life of debauchery in public. So, 
the God of Israel turned his back on Eli. And when we went into 
battle with the Hebrews, there was noone to protect them. In the 
battle, we killed both of Eli's sons and stole the Ark of the 
Covenant from the tabernacle. When Eli heard about it, he fell 
off his chair, broke his neck and died. Now, apparently, the God 
of Israel is cursing us for having stolen the Ark of the 
Covenant.

SMITH --- There's got to be a law against that.

PRIEST -- Against stealing the Ark of the Covenant?

SMITH --- No. There's got to be a law against writing a script 
that has one actor speaking that much expository at one time.

PRIEST -- They do it in Baywatch all the time.

SMITH --- Oh. Okay. So, as I see it, your only choice is to send 
the Ark of the Covenant back to the Hebrews with some gifts of 
pure gold as an apology.

PRIEST -- Good idea. We'll send five gold rats and five gold 
tumors.

SMITH --- I was thinking of fishing lures or bowling trophies. 
But rats and tumors could work.

PRIEST -- Yes, thank you, Detective Smith.

SMITH --- You're welcome. Goodbye.

PRIEST -- Goodbye.

SMITH --- So, that how I solved the case of the Dagon Statue. 
Good night. (afar) I can't believe you put a styrofoam cup on 
your microphone.

PRIEST -- I thought it sounded a lot like a phone call.


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