BACK BUSTED 5'2m0f Jacob's swindling finally catch up with him JUDGE -- (Gavel, gavel) Alright, next case, case number 462514 Canaan vs JACOB ISRAEL. Step forward and state your full name for the record. JACOB -- I'm telling you judge, there's been a big mistake. JUDGE -- Save it for the jury. Just state your name for the record. JACOB -- My name is Jacob, son of Isaac, grandson of Abraham. And I didn't do anything. JUDGE -- Just answer one question at a time and we'll all get out of here before dawn tomorrow. How do you plea, guilty or not guilty? JACOB -- This must be a case of mistaken identity or something. You've got the wrong man. JUDGE -- I'll take that as a not guilty plea. The D.A. recommends a bail in the amount of 400 talents. What is your response? JACOB -- Well, that's exorbitant, your honor. I'm just a lowly sheep herder. JUDGE -- Well, let's have a look at your file here for previous arrests, then I'll decide if it's exorbitant or not. Well, I see you've been a naughty little boy, Jacob. JACOB -- No, I haven't, I... JUDGE -- ... One count of fraud... JACOB -- ...let me see that. JUDGE -- You keep your hands to yourself, there, fella. Let's see, it says here that you swindled your brother out of his rightful inheritance JACOB -- Oh, that. JUDGE -- Slip your mind, did it? JACOB -- Well, I can explain that. See, I bought his inheritance... JUDGE -- ...for a bowl of stew, it says here. JACOB -- You make it sound worse than it was. JUDGE -- According to this, your father and his father are both very wealthy men. That inheritance was worth thousands of talents. Let's see here, here's one more count of fraud. JACOB -- It can't be. I'm a law-abiding citizen. JUDGE -- It says here you also swindled your brother out of your father's blessing before he died... by wearing an animal skin? I'm not even going to ask what that means. JACOB -- Okay, I'll admit that I did that too. But what's a blessing worth in this economy? JUDGE -- Says here your father's blessing puts you into the line of the messiah. Care to put a price on eternal glory, son? JACOB -- Oh, sure, when you put it like that, it sounds... JUDGE -- Here's a previous arrest in another jurisdiction. JACOB -- I'm telling you, that was a complete misunderstanding. JUDGE -- The complainant, a man named Laban,... JACOB -- That's my uncle, what a chiseler. He made me marry his ugly daughter before he'd let me marry his beautiful daughter. JUDGE -- As I was saying, the complainant Laban claims you swindled him out of most of his livestock. JACOB -- SWINDLED is a little harsh, your honor. We agreed that instead of payment for my work I could have all the animals in his herds with spots and speckles. JUDGE -- In most herds that's only about 10%. Keep talking. JACOB -- Okay, so, I found a way to breed only spotted and speckled offspring. What's so bad about a little ingenuity? JUDGE -- So, just how many animals did you end up with? JACOB -- 5000 or so. JUDGE -- And Laban how many did that leave him? JACOB -- Four. JUDGE -- Was that 4000? JACOB -- No. Just four. JUDGE -- You know in that jurisdiction they hang thieves. JACOB -- I'm telling you judge, I'm an innocent man caught up in extenuating circumstances. JUDGE -- Right. Now let's take a look at the current arrest report for extenuating circumstances. Uh huh. Assault, extortion and false imprisonment. JACOB -- Pfff! It was a friendly wrestling match. JUDGE -- He claims you held onto him and wouldn't let go... all night? That sounds like false imprisonment to me. JACOB -- The alleged victim never had a scratch on him. But, me? What do I get? I'm still limping. JUDGE -- He claims that you extorted from him the same thing that you swindled out of your father with the animal skins: blessings that don't belong to you. In this jurisdiction that's a stoning offense. JACOB -- The alleged victim is not from around here. Are you going to believe an alien over one of your own citizens? JUDGE -- And who is this ALIEN of dubious veracity? JACOB -- Huh? JUDGE -- What is the name of this ALLEGED victim? JACOB -- Say, listen, I've taken up enough of the court's time. Why don't I just pay the 400 talents and be on my way? JUDGE -- Who was he? JACOB -- (softly) God. JUDGE -- Excuse me? JACOB -- It was the Lord God Almighty. JUDGE -- And you were holding him hostage for a blessing you didn't deserve? JACOB -- Well, he blessed me. He didn't strike me with lightning or anything. JUDGE -- Of course, he didn't. You're in the line of the messiah. JACOB -- (slyly) Yeah, so I figured, what the heck. What's he gonna do, fry the only guy who can produce the messiah? So I... JUDGE -- I will set aside the recommended bail of 400 talents... JACOB -- Well! Thank you, your hon... JUDGE -- ...and set bail at 4000 talents. Take him away. JACOB -- (fading) Wait a minute, Judge, where am I going to get that kind of money? Would you settle for some speckled sheep? Goats. How about goats? Cows? How about cows? I've got one extra wife you can have. ©2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected] BACK |