BACK AMALEKIT 4'2m0f Moses and Joshua fend off the Amalekites (all cowboy accents) JOSHUA -- You wanted to see me, Moses? MOSES --- Yeah, Joshua. I guess I don't have to tell you about all the damage them Amalekite savages done to this here wagon train. JOSHUA -- No, sir. Them's mighty nasty varmints. MOSES --- Joshua, the reason I wanted to talk to you is I need to have you organize an army against the Amalekites before they attack again tomorrow at dawn. JOSHUA -- That's a heap o' work, Moses. We ain't got a single soldier among us. All them pilgrims ever done all their lives was build pyramids. What do they know about fightin' savages? MOSES --- Don't worry about 'em, Joshua. They'll do fine. JOSHUA -- How do you know? MOSES --- I'm a prophet. It's my job. And your job now is to get an army organized to fight them Amalekites. JOSHUA -- Ain't got near enough weapons, Moses. MOSES --- Don't worry about it, Joshua. We got us a secret weapon. JOSHUA -- A secret weapon? Where? MOSES --- Right here. JOSHUA -- Dirty finger nails? MOSES --- No, not my finger nails. My arms. Them's my secret weapons. JOSHUA -- Your arms. MOSES --- Yes, my arms. JOSHUA -- Moses, you been out in the sun too long. MOSES --- Joshua, I ain't got a fever. I been talkin' to the Lord. He says I'm supposed to stand up on a hill overlooking the battle and hold my arms up. JOSHUA -- Oh, swell! You're gonna try to kill 'em with B.O.? MOSES --- No. The Lord promised me that as long as my arms are up in the air, the battle will go our way. I figure that even with untrained men and few weapons, we should defeat the Amalekites by sundown tomorrow. JOSHUA -- Well, suppose you get tired and you let your arms drop? MOSES --- That's the hard part. As soon as I drop my arms, we start to lose the battle. JOSHUA -- (afar) Count me out. I'm gone. MOSES --- No, wait. Where are you going? JOSHUA -- You said yourself that the battle will take all day. You ain't exactly a spring chicken. You'll be lucky to hold your arms up til midday. No thanks. MOSES --- Well, then, I'll have two people hold up my arms up for me. Aaron and Hur. JOSHUA -- Hur? You're gonna have a woman do it? (afar) Count me out. I'm gone. MOSES --- No, wait. You don't understand. Hur ain't a woman. Hur is a man's name. So, everything's okay. We'll win the battle. JOSHUA -- Good. Then afterward, we'll go into the promised land and celebrate. (shouts) YI! HA! MOSES --- Maybe a bit later. JOSHUA -- What do you mean later? How much later? MOSES --- (softly) Forty years. JOSHUA -- Forty years! (afar) Count me out. I'm gone. MOSES --- What about your devotion to your Lord, the God of Israel? JOSHUA -- Well, alright, I'll lead the army into battle. But you owe me one dinner tomorrow night right after the victory. I want a thick T-bone steak, a cob a sweet corn, mashed potatas and gravy and apple pie for desert. MOSES --- You'll have to settle for manna. JOSHUA -- What's that? MOSES --- That's right. JOSHUA -- No, I asked you what is it? MOSES --- That's right. Manna means what is it? JOSHUA -- Is that anything like mystery meat? MOSES --- Well, sort of, except you pick it up off the ground. JOSHUA -- (afar) Count me out. I'm gone. MOSES --- If you leave now. You won't be in my book. JOSHUA -- Book? What book? MOSES --- I'm writin' a new book. It's called the Bible. And you'll be in it... if you lead the army tomorrow. JOSHUA -- And we're a cinch to win? MOSES --- I already wrote about the victory in my book. Only thing I left out was the name of the man who led the army to victory. JOSHUA -- You sweet talkin', silver tongue smoothy. My name is spelled Joshua, J.O.S.H.... MOSES --- ...I know how to spell your name, boy. JOSHUA -- Then, I have just one request. MOSES --- You name it. JOSHUA -- When you hold your arms up tomorrow, stand down wind from me. ©2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected] BACK |