WOE      4'2m0f Jesus sends woes to sinners

(knock, knock, knock, door open)

FRED -- Yes?

WILLY - (high school drop out) Package delivery for... the rich 
guy at 3241 Oak Street. Is that you?

FRED -- Is that what it says? "The rich guy at 3241 Oak Street"?

WILLY - Yeah, see here? "The rich guy at 3241 Oak Street". So, 
are you the guy?

FRED -- Well, yes, but...

WILLY - Okay, take the package and sign here.

FRED -- Wait a minute. I'm not sure I want a package addressed 
to "the rich guy".

WILLY - Hey, this is a real nice house. You gotta be rich.

FRED -- Well, I am, but...

WILLY - Then, take the package and sign here.

FRED -- Not so fast.

WILLY - Listen, dude, I got a lot of packages to deliver. Do 
you want the package or not?

FRED -- What's in it?

WILLY - Hey, buddy, what do you think I am, a snoop?

FRED -- I meant no offense. But try to look at it from my view 
point. When you're rich like me, other people can get a little 
jealous. Maybe the package is meant to cut me down to size. 
Maybe it's a bomb. Is it ticking?

WILLY - Ah, just a sec... (pause) Nope. No ticking. So, I guess 
it's safe to take the package. Here you go. Sign here.

FRED -- Maybe if I knew who sent the package... I...

WILLY - Oh, brother.

FRED -- Is there a return address?

WILLY - (sigh) Okay, the return address label is right here.

FRED -- Jesus of Nazareth. Well, what do you know!

WILLY - That's more like it! Sign here.

FRED -- Don't rush me. I'm still not sure I want the package.

WILLY - (sigh) You know the guy who sent the package, right?

FRED -- Right.

WILLY - Sign here.

FRED -- I don't know. Jesus didn't talk very nicely to me when I 
saw him last. 

WILLY - What do you mean?

FRED -- Well, I told him that I obey all the ten commandments, 
then I asked him how I could get into the kingdom of heaven.

WILLY - What did he say.

FRED -- He told me to sell everything I own and give the money 
to the poor.

WILLY - Well, did you?

FRED -- Do I look like I sold everything?

WILLY - Oh, I guess not. 

FRED -- What did he say when he gave you the package to deliver?

WILLY - He gave me a bunch of packages.

FRED -- Oh, really? Who else did he send packages to?

WILLY - He sent one to Judas Iscariot. 

FRED -- Oh, oh.

WILLY - What's the matter?

FRED -- Did Jesus say anything when he gave you his package?

WILLY - Ah, yeah, he said, "woe to that man who betrays him." 

FRED -- Woe? That's what he said? Woe?

WILLY - Yeah, Woe. That's good, isn't it? Whenever, I get something 
for free, I always say "WOE!"

FRED -- Yeah, but Judas Iscariot committed suicide.

WILLY - Woe! Bummer! Woe ain't so good then, huh.

FRED -- What did Jesus say when he gave you my package?

WILLY - Ah, let's see, ah, he said "But woe to you who are rich, 
for you have already received your comfort. Woe to you who are 
well fed now, for you will go hungry. Woe to you who laugh now, 
for you will mourn and weep."

FRED -- Oh, no, he sent me a woe!

WILLY - So, you want me to return to sender?

FRED -- Yes.

WILLY - (afar) See ya.

FRED -- No, wait.

WILLY - (afar) What now?

FRED -- I'll accept the package.

WILLY - (afar) But you just said....

FRED -- I'll give you five bucks.

WILLY - Sign here.

FRED -- Okay. (scratch, scratch, scratch) There you go.

WILLY - Where's my five bucks?

FRED -- After I open the package.

WILLY - Oh, man!

FRED -- It'll just take a moment. (paper tears) I just have to 
find out what a WOE looks like up close. (paper tears)

WILLY - (afar) If you don't mind, I'll just stand back here.

FRED -- (echo) Well, what do you know!

WILLY - (afar) What is it?

FRED -- (echos) A woe is just a big dark.... (fading, echo) 

WILLY - (approaching) Woe! He got sucked right into that 
little package! (echos) Hey, mister, you owe me five bucks. 
(fading) Woooooooooooooooooooooooooe!

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