WITNESS  5'2m0f A false witness against Jesus

PROSECUTOR -- (shouts) Bring in the next witness.

(clink, clank, door hinges squeak)

WITNESS ----- (Brooklyn accent, afar) Hey, hey, hey, I'm a 
witness here! I'm a witness here! (approaching) Imagine that guy 
accusing me of stealing an ash tray from the hallway. 

(door hinges squeak, door close)

(shouts) I'm a respectable witness for the Sanhedrin, fella. 
(near) Who does he think he is?

PROSECUTOR -- Right over here, sir.

WITNESS ----- Is this where the witnesses sit?

PROSECUTOR -- Yes, this is the witness stand.

WITNESS ----- Good. Cuz I'm a witness for the Sanhedrin. Imagine 
that jerk accusing me of stealing an ash tray from the hallway.

PROSECUTOR -- Oh, don't sit down yet. We have to swear you in.

WITNESS ----- Oh. Sorry.

PROSECUTOR -- Raise your right hand.

WITNESS ----- Yeah, sure.

(ash tray clink clank)

Well, what do you know. What do you suppose that is?

PROSECUTOR -- It would appear to be an ash tray.

WITNESS ----- I don't know nothin' about that! It musta stuck to 
my robe or somethin'. Yeah, that's it. The ash tray stuck to my 
robe while I waiting out in the hallway.

PROSECUTOR -- (clears throat) Do you solemnly swear to tell the 
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

WITNESS ----- (pause) You mean about the ash tray? I already 
explained that...

PROSECUTOR -- (irritated) We're talking about the accused.

WITNESS ----- Oh. Yeah. I knew that. Yeah, sure. I'll tell the 
truth. Why not?

PROSECUTOR -- Be seated. 

WITNESS ----- Okay. What do you wanna know?

PROSECUTOR -- Do you know the accused?

WITNESS ----- The accused?

PROSECUTOR -- (irritated) The accused. That person over there.

WITNESS ----- Oh, that guy over there? Yeah, he looks kinda 

PROSECUTOR -- (clears throat) It has been said that you know him 
very well.

WITNESS ----- Oh! Yeah! I know him real good. That's, ah. 
That's, ah. Help me out here.

PROSECUTOR -- So, you know Jesus of Nazareth?

WITNESS ----- Oh, yeah. Jesus of Nazareth, that's him. I know 
Jesus of Nazareth real good. All his friend, of whom I am one, 
call him Naz.



WITNESS ----- And what?

PROSECUTOR -- And do you have an accusation against Jesus of 

WITNESS ----- Oh, sure.


So, ah, when do I get my money?

PROSECUTOR -- Can you be a little more specific?

WITNESS ----- Specific? Yeah, I believe the specific amount was 
five skeletal.

PROSECUTOR -- What I meant was, can you be mor specific about the 
accusation against the accused? Can you tell the Sanhedrin if 
Jesus said anything about destroying the temple?

WITNESS ----- Oh! Yeah, he said that. So, ah, when do I get my 

PROSECUTOR -- Did the accused ever say that he would destroy the 
temple and rebuild it?

WITNESS ----- The accused. Oh, you mean that Jesus guy? Yeah, he 
said that he'd, ah tear down the temple and, ah, rebuild it in a 
two days.


WITNESS ----- They said you'd pay me five.

PROSECUTOR -- (irritated) I'm not talking about that! (laughs 
nervously) Didn't the accused tell you he'd destroy the temple 
and rebuild in THREE days? Didn't he say that exactly?

WITNESS ----- Oh! Yeah! Yeah, that's exactly what he said.

PROSECUTOR -- Thank you. You're dismissed.

WITNESS ----- (clears throat)

PROSECUTOR -- Did you have another accusation against the 

WITNESS ----- No.

PROSECUTOR -- Then, you're dismissed.

WITNESS ----- (softly) There was just a matter of five shekels?

PROSECUTOR -- I have no idea what you could be talking about. 
Perhaps the person to see about money would be out in the 

WITNESS ----- You mean the guy who accused me of stealing the 
ash tray is the guy who's gonna give me my five shekels?

PROSECUTOR -- Why don't you just clear that up with him?

(ash tray picked up)

WITNESS ----- Yeah, I'll do that. I'll just hold onto this 
ash tray as collateral until I get my dough. 


(afar) Hey, fella, haven't I seen you before?

PROSECUTOR -- Would the witness please exit the hearing room?

WITNESS ----- (afar) Yeah, sure. But I think I seen this guy 
before. The accused here.

PROSECUTOR -- Yes, so you said on the witness stand. Now, will 
you please exit the hearing room before you embarrass us all?

WITNESS ----- (afar) Yeah! Now I know where I seen you. You're 
the guy who drove me and the other sacrifice sellers out of the 
temple courts. You called us thieves and robbers. You gonna take 
that back or am I gonna have to get rough with you? 

PROSECUTOR -- Bailiff, please escort the witness out of the 
court room.

WITNESS ----- (afar) Hey, hey. I'm a witness here! 

(latch door open, hinges squeak, door close)

PROSECUTOR -- The Sanhedrin will now adjourn to deliberate the 
guilt or innocence of Jesus of Nazareth. We will be back in a 
minute with the death penalty.


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