BACK TEMPTED 5'2m0f The devil tempts Jesus SATAN -- Lucifer, tell our listeners about our next contestant. (upbeat music) Right you are, Satan. Our next contestant is a carpenter from Nazareth in Galilee. And he could possibly be the messiah that the nation of Israel has been waiting for. Please welcome Jesus of Nazareth. (applause) JESUS -- Save the sound effects, dirt bag. SATAN -- Hey, hey, do I detect a little hostility in your voice big guy? JESUS -- A little hostility? If it wasn't for you, Satan, there wouldn't be any sin on earth. SATAN -- Well, a little variety is the spice of life, ole buddy. JESUS -- Don't buddy me, you scum bucket. SATAN -- Is that any way to treat the only person who's in a position to help you, big guy? JESUS -- Right. I'm sure you really want to help me. SATAN -- Well, suit yourself. You're the one who has been in the desert for 40 days. I don't suppose you're hungry, are you? JESUS -- You know I haven't had anything to eat. What are you driving at? SATAN -- Lucifer, tell Jesus what's behind door number one. Right you are Satan. IT'S A LOAF OF BREAD! (applause, upbeat music) Savor the fragrance of a loaf fresh-baked bread, hot out of the oven. Deliciously tender inside and flavorfully crusty outside. This loaf of bread can be yours if the price is right. JESUS -- Very funny. SATAN -- (feigned innocence) What? JESUS -- You know very well that's no loaf of bread. SATAN -- (insincere) Oh, really? JESUS -- I may be hungry but I'm not stupid. I can tell a loaf of bread from a rock. SATAN -- Isn't that just like you, Jesus. I say the glass is half full. You say the glass is half empty. JESUS -- Get lost. SATAN -- Well, surely the son of God who created the universe with single command wouldn't have any trouble turning this itty bitty rock into a loaf of hot, crusty bread. JESUS -- If you think I'm going to do a miracle to impress you, think again. SATAN -- Hey, it's up to you. Do you want door number one or not? JESUS -- Man does not live by bread alone. SATAN -- I hate it when you quote scripture. Alright, Lucifer, tell our contestant what's behind door number two. IT'S A TRIP TO OUTER SPACE! (applause, high tech whoosh, upbeat music) From this vantage point you can see the snow covered north and south poles, the sands and jungles of Africa and India and even the far-off kingdoms of China and Australia. All this can be yours if the price is right. JESUS -- It already belongs to me. SATAN -- Oh contrare, mon frare. I am the prince of the power of the air. And my job is to make life miserable for your people until the millennium, remember? Now, I know how much you love your people and you would NEVER allow them to suffer if you can help it. And I am a reasonable man. JESUS -- Right. SATAN -- Hey, would I lie to you? JESUS -- Let me put it this way. I can tell when you're lying. SATAN -- How. JESUS -- Whenever you move your lips. SATAN -- (laughs cautiously) Oh, I know what you're doing. You're just trying to gain the upper hand in the negotiations. But, I am undaunted. I know how much you love your people. And I know you want to spare them 2000 years of suffering if you can. And you can..., if the price is right. JESUS -- How much? SATAN -- Just worship me. What could be simpler? JESUS -- It is written: 'Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.' SATAN -- See, there you go again, quoting scripture. I asked you not to do that. Lucifer, tell our contestant what's behind door number three. IT'S A TRIP TO JERUSALEM! (applause, high tech whoosh, upbeat music) Yes, this all expenses paid trip culminates in a tour of the temple, PLUS you get to go where no ordinary man is allowed to go. Up on the roof of the temple! JESUS -- Big deal. SATAN -- Aren't you going to ask why I brought you up to the roof of the temple? JESUS -- I'm sure you'll tell me. SATAN -- Lucifer, tell our contestant what our contestant will win if the price is right. HE'LL WIN THE PRAISE AND ACCLAIM FROM THE WORSHIPERS IN THE COURT YARD BELOW! EVERYONE WILL KNOW THAT JESUS CHRIST IS LORD, IF THE PRICE IS RIGHT! JESUS -- Alright, I'll bite. What's the price? SATAN -- Jump. JESUS -- Jump? That's it? SATAN -- For it is written: "He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone." JESUS -- Jeepers, he quotes scripture. SATAN -- Thank you. I memorized that just for this occasion. Well? JESUS -- Well what? SATAN -- Are you going to jump and let everyone down below see if you pass the test? JESUS -- It is written 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.' SATAN -- I hate it when you do that! JESUS -- So, is there a door number four? (upbeat music to end of sketch) SATAN -- THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR NOW, BYE BYE. JESUS -- Where are you going? SATAN -- (echos) TUNE IN NEXT TIME WHEN YOU SEE JESUS OF NAZARETH IN THE GARDEN OF GETHSEMANE, SWEATING BLOOD. Bye, bye. (laughs fiendishly, fading) ©2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected] BACK |