SNATCHER 5'2m0f Jesus' resurrection said to be body snatching

ED --   (approaching) Alright, fella, I've thoroughly inspected 
the crime scene. Now I just need to get a statement from you. 

FRED -- Flanigan, Fred Flanigan. You'd better make that  
"security officer Fred Flanigan", just in case this crime ends 
up in the newspapers. But you can call me Fred, since we're both 
crime fighters. 

ED --   Alright, Fred, you want to start from the beginning?

FRED -- Yeah, like I said, they sneaked up behind me, whacked me 
over the head and stole the body. 

ED --   They? How many were there? 

FRED -- A couple. And mind you I'd have cleaned their clocks if 
they hadn't snuck up on me from behind and surprise me. This is 
probably going to make the papers, isn't it? 

ED --   Oh, I don't know. Body snatching is no big deal. 

FRED -- But, if the guy was pretty well known, it'll probably 
end up in the papers, don't you think? 

ED --   Yeah, maybe. Which way did you say the perpetrators came 

FRED -- From behind me. I didn't have a chance to defend myself.

ED --   Which way were you facing? 

FRED -- Let's see, if I was sitting on this rock, watching the 
tomb, then they snuck up from behind me, from that way, there. 
Yeah, that's it. From that way, there. 

ED --   Both of them? 

FRED -- Yeah, both of them. 

ED --   If they both came up from behind you and surprised you, 
how could you tell how many there were? 

FRED -- Ah, it felt like two of them slugged me. 

ED --   So, you didn't see either one of them? 

FRED -- Well, no. 

ED --   So, there could have been more? 

FRED -- Ah, yeah, I never thought of that. There could have been 

ED --   Or less. 

FRED -- But probably more. 

ED --   Well, the wax seal on the tomb stone was broken and the 
stone was rolled way from the entrance. And the burial cloths 
were lying in a heap on the floor. 

FRED -- Yeah, so? 

ED --   So, do you want to tell me what REALLY happened? 

FRED -- What really happened. Let's see. These four guys jumped 
me and knocked me out, or I would have shown them a thing or 

ED --   Four? You said there were two. 

FRED -- Yeah, but they were making noises like four. I'll bet 
this will get into the papers now, huh? 

ED --   Not likely. There was no theft. 

FRED -- No theft? Oh, heck ya, there was maybe five or six of 
them and... 

ED --   Sorry. Try again. 

FRED -- What do you mean? 

ED --   If YOU were going to steal a body, would you take the 
time to unwrap it BEFORE you hauled it away and risk being 
described by a guard who was recovering from a head wound 
outside the tomb? 

FRED -- Oh, that! Well, let's see.... Those aren't the wrappings 
from the body. They must have brought some wrappings with them 
and dropped them in the tomb. Did I mention that there were 6 or 
8 vicious thugs? 

ED --   Nice try. The wrappings had been soaked in burial 
spices. Are you saying that the thieves brought extra wrappings 
AND buckets of burial spices, so that the tomb would smell nice 
when the cops arrived? 

FRED -- It could happen. Did I mention that there were maybe 8 
or 10 professional thugs? 

ED --   Are you sure you don't want to change your story?

FRED -- Why. What did I miss? 

ED --   This is a garden that we're standing in. It was freshly 
cultivated on Friday before the Sabbath. There are no footprints 
at all in the direction you pointed to. 

FRED -- None? 

ED --   None. 

FRED -- Okay, so maybe dozed off a little before they got here. 
I have no idea which way they came from. The cowardly rats 
slugged a sleeping man, can you imagine that? Did I mention that 
there was up to a dozen hardened criminals with knives and 
clubs? You won't mention anything to the papers about me dozing 
off will you? 

ED --   I'll give you one more chance to get your story  

FRED -- Alright, so maybe there was only one or two of them. Did 
I mention that they were both well over six feet tall? 

ED --   There are no footprints anywhere besides yours and mine.

FRED -- Nobody's going to believe the truth. That's what they 
said and they were right.  

ED --   Who said? 

FRED -- The guys at the temple. They told me that nobody would 
believe the truth. So, I should make up a good story. So I did. 
I thought I did a pretty good job, too. Had you going, heh?

ED --   No more lies. No more exaggerations, Just tell me what 

FRED -- Alright, there was just one guy. And he didn't slug me 
at all. 

ED --   Alright, that's more like it! 

FRED -- He was an angel. 

ED --   Here we go again! 

FRED -- He rolled back the stone and unwrapped the body. 

ED --   Do you know what the penalty is for obstructing justice?

FRED -- Did I mention that Jesus rose from the dead? 

ED --   (fading) Let's finish this statement down at  

ED --   (afar) I told you you wouldn't believe the truth.

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it.
Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances.
You may reproduce and distribute this script freely,
but all copies must contain this copyright statement.  email: [email protected]