BACK COVERUP 6'1m0f Monologue: The great resurrection coverup (phone rings) Thank you for calling the Sanhedrin. May I help you? Hi, Harry! ...to congratulate me? Yeah, thanks, Harry. We finally got him, yeah. Yeah, if he was the messiah, Jesus would have called down his angels to take him down from the cross. It looks like he was a phony, alright. Yeah, thanks for your good wishes, Harry. Bye. (click, phone rings) Thank you for calling the Sanhedrin. May I help you? Oh, hi, Manny, are you calling to congratulate me, too? No? What do you mean, the body disappeared? Manny, that's absolutely ridiculous. We posted guards on the entrance to the tomb. Even if someone could roll away the stone, guard wouldn't have let him out. Angels? Manny have you been drinking? Well, then, maybe the guard had been drinking. Rolled away the stone. You're sure that's what he said? The Angels rolled away the stone? Then disappeared, right in front of him. Manny, we've got to put a positive spin on this. We had the Christians on the run. They were completely disbursed. Right. We'll say the guard fell asleep or something and that the body was stolen. Right. Yeah, Manny if the Christians find out that the body disappeared, we're in big trouble. Why?! Jesus promised his friends that he would raise from the dead. If they find out the body is missing. You know what they're going to think. We have to squash this rumor, Manny. Yeah, get right on it. (click, phone rings) Thank you for calling the Sanhedrin. May I help you? Harry! Why are you calling again. Want to buy be lunch? Funny you should ask that, Harry. Yeah, it's true, the body disappeared, but we know where it is. Yeah, I was just talking to the guard at the tomb. He said that the Christians stole the body. By the way, Harry, where did you hear this rumor? From the Christians?! I thought we had them on the run. They saw him? Saw who? Jesus? You mean, like, alive? (laughs nervously) Harry, how could he be alive? I had the guard run a spear through his heart before they took him down from the cross. (laughs) Alive. Isn't that ridiculous? Yeah, you know how those Christians lie, Harry. Remember, they were the ones who made up the story about Jesus feeding 3000 people with a little boy's lunch. 5000? How do you know it was 5000? You were there. Harry, it's a parlor trick. Anybody could do that. Yeah, I'll show you over lunch sometime. Yeah, as soon as I get a little free time, Harry. Bye Bye. (click, phone beeps) Manny. I'm glad you called. We've got a problem. Apparently, rumor is that as many as 500 people saw Jesus after he raised from the dead. Yeah, we have to keep the body snatching story going, but we have to go after the people who are speaking publicly about the resurrection. Get hold of Saul of Tarsus and have him throw the loudmouths in jail. Yeah, and tell him he can start with a guy named Stephen. He's out in the temple courts right now, spouting off. Yeah, maybe stone him. Make an example out of him. Yeah, bye, Manny. (click, phone rings) Thank you for calling the Sanhedrin. May I help you? Harry! Please tell me that you want to buy me lunch. You don't. Alright, tell me the bad news. Where did hear about it this time? Peter? Harry, don't believe a word of it. He's making it all up. Listen, can you believe a thing he says if he denied his own friend? Hey, gotta go, Harry. Thanks for calling. (click, phone beeps) Manny, I've got more work for you. Grab that apostle Peter and put him in Jail. I don't know. Make something up. He's going to ruin everything. Why? He was one of Jesus' best friends. People are going to believe him. Yeah, put him in chains. Oh, wait. If the angels can roll back the stone, they can spring Peter from jail. I tell you what. Chain him to two guards and put two guards at the door. Yeah,... oh, wait, there's a call on the other line. Hang on. (click) Thank you for calling the Sanhedrin. May I help you? Harry! Listen, buddy, I'm up to my elbows here. Can I.... Saul. Saul of Tarsus? You're kidding. I Just sent him to nab people who were... You're sure he's preaching the resurrection? Listen, Harry, I really have to go, Bye. (click) Manny, you're not going to believe this. Saul of Tarsus, of all people, is now preaching the resurrection. No, I'm not kidding. I don't know. Find him and have him arrested. Just do it! Oh, and put him in stocks and put guards on his cell door too. Yeah, hurry. This is getting out of control. (click, phone rings) Hello. Harry, stop calling. I'm dying here. Peter? I just had him thrown in jail. How could you.... He escaped?! That's impossible! An angel of the Lord. Well, how could he.... The hand cuffs just FELL off? Guards fell asleep. Harry, that was OUR story. Holy cow! Listen, thanks for the tip, Harry. I gotta go... Harry, I know that there's SOME evidence for the resurrection, but... Okay, so there's a lot of evidence, Harry, but it's all a big hoax. Don't believe a word of it.... Oh, listen, Harry, I got another call. Bye. (beep, click) What! Manny. If this isn't good news, I don't want to hear it. Good news AND bad news? I'm not sure I want to... Paul, who's Paul? Saul of Tarsus. Oh, he changed his name. So, tell me he's in jail! He's not. An earthquake... Stocks just fell of his feet? ... and the doors just opened? By themselves? Manny, can't you wait for lunch to hit the bottle? Sober. So, how is that GOOD news? He's stopped preaching to the Jews in the temples and synagogues. How wonderful! hallelujah! More good news? Now that's more like it! Peter stopped preaching to the Jews too? Alright! Now, the bad news. Well, how bad could it be? Both of them are now preaching to the gentiles. Why is that bad news? Because every Jew in Jerusalem now knows about the resurrection? Oh, Man! Oh, oh, there's another call on the other line. Hold on. (click) What! Harry, I really don't have time to.... You want to buy me lunch? Well, after this morning, I guess I could use a break. But, I'll tell you, Harry, there's not a lot to celebrate. There is? YOU want to tell ME about the gospel of Jesus Christ? Harry, don't tell me YOU'RE a Christian, now. Oh, brother. Get lost, Harry. Don't call me, anymore. (beep, click) Manny, I want good news or I want no news. Got it? YOU want to have lunch with me? Why? YOU want to tell ME about the gospel of Jesus Christ? Oh, brother! Manny, you're fired! (click, pause, ring, ring, click, beep) (recording) You've reached the answering machine of the Sanhedrin. I'm not in right now. And I don't want to hear it! (beep) Š2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected] BACK