BAPTIST  5'2m0f Jesus' baptism interrupted by zealous cop

(water sloshing in background)

COP --- Alright, freeze, scum bag!

JOHN -- (afar) Are you talking to me?

COP --- Let that man go and put your hands in the air, you 
hair ball.

JOHN -- (afar) But, officer, I...

COP --- This is a 357 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the 
world. It could blow your head clean off. Now what you gotta ask 
yourself, punk, is do you feel lucky?

JOHN -- (afar) Don't shoot. My hands are up, see.

COP --- Come up out of the river, scum bag.

JOHN -- (afar) But officer I was just...

COP --- Go ahead, make my day.

JOHN -- (afar) Alright, I'm coming. 

( water sloshing ) 

See, I'm coming out of the water with my hands up. Don't shoot.

COP --- Alright, you're under arrest for attempted murder.

(handcuff chains clank, racket noise)

JOHN -- Attempted murder?! Who was I trying to kill?

COP --- Come on, hair ball, there must be 500 people here saw 
you trying to drown that poor guy.

JOHN -- I wasn't trying to drown him. I was baptizing him.

COP --- Save it for the judge, dirt ball. Just help me fill out 
this form, then we'll haul you off to jail where you can cool 
off. Name?

JOHN -- My name is John.

COP --- Last name?

JOHN -- I don't have a last name. The people call me John the 

COP --- Oh! You go by a handle, eh? Well, I know your type. 
You're a drug dealer. (fading) I'll just pat you down and see if 
you're carrying. (approaching) Alright, scum bag, where did you 
stash the drugs?

JOHN -- Drugs? I don't have any drugs. I don't even drink wine.

COP --- You are the worst possible predator on humanity. You 
pedal your poison and live off the misery of others. You make me 

No last name. Charges: attempted murder, suspicion of drug 
dealing. Make it easy on yourself, fella. Tell me where you 
stashed your drugs and I'll put in a good for you with the D.A. 

JOHN -- I told you, I don't have any drugs.

COP --- Then why are all these people standing in line? And 
don't tell me that they were waiting patiently so you could try 
to drown them too.

JOHN -- I told you. I wasn't trying to drown him. I was 
baptizing him. And they all came to be baptized too.

COP --- Right. And I've got some swamp land in Florida I'd like 
to sell you. Alright, what's your address?

JOHN -- My address?

COP --- Yes, where do you live?

JOHN -- I live in the desert.

COP --- This just gets better and better. Listen, scum ball, 
I've had a long day. Just tell me your address.

JOHN -- I told you. I live in the desert.

COP --- Alright. Have it your way. I try to be a nice guy. 
Charges: Attempted murder, suspicion of drug dealing AND 
vagrancy. Occupation? And don't tell me you're a baptist.

JOHN -- Well, I'm a prophet, too.

COP --- Profit? See? I knew you were in it for the money.

JOHN -- Not that kind of profit. I'm a prophet. I foretell the 

COP --- Oh, that scam, eh? Let's see here, attempted murder, 
suspicion of drug dealing, vagrancy AND fortune telling fraud.

JOHN -- I'm not a fortune tell...

COP --- So, how much are these poor dupes paying you to tell 
their future?

JOHN -- They don't pay me anything, officer.

COP --- Were did you stash the money?

JOHN -- I don't have any money because I don't charge anything. 
I don't need any money. I live off the land in the desert.

COP --- Right. And I've got this bridge for sale at a bargain 
basement price. So, if you don't have any money, how do you eat?

JOHN -- I eat wild honey and locusts.

COP --- Alright, scum bag, you're history. I'm telling the D.A. 
to throw the book at you.

JOHN -- I'm sorry if it's hard for you to believe, officer, but 
that's how I live.

COP --- Recommendations: Complete psychiatric exam. So, what were 
you and the other guy fighting about.

JOHN -- We weren't fighting. He's my cousin.

COP --- Oh, I got it. Fighting over drug territories, eh? What's 
the name of the victim.

JOHN -- Victim? Oh, you mean my cousin. That's Jesus of 

COP --- His occupation.

JOHN -- He's the Messiah.

COP --- I don't want his street name. I need his occupation.

JOHN -- Well, he WAS a carpenter, but he's now a full time 

COP --- And what does a messiah do?

JOHN -- He is God incarnate.

COP --- Don't get smart with me, scum bag or I'd drop you like a 
bad habit.

(loud rumble, sopranos sing mysteriously)

GOD --- (deep booming voice with echos) This is my son in whom
I am well pleased.

(the Mormon tabernacle Choir sings the hallelujah Chorus)

JOHN -- Now do you believe me, officer? (pause) Officer? 

COP --- Huh?

JOHN -- Do you believe me now?

COP --- Believe what?

JOHN -- Do you believe that I'm a prophet and that Jesus is God 
incarnate? (pause) Are you alright, officer?

COP --- Huh?

JOHN -- Are you alright?

COP --- Ah, yeah.

(small chains clank, click, click, small chains clank)

You're free to go.

JOHN -- So, you DO believe me?

COP --- Huh? Not on your life, scum bucket. But if I arrest you, 
my report has to include that... that... whatever that was.

JOHN -- That was the descending of the Holy Spirit.

COP --- Whatever it was... I'd have to include it in my report. 
I'll be filling out reports for a week and it'll be me in for a 
psychiatric exam. Me, I've got bigger fish to fry... like that 
guy in the chariot there. (fading) Hey, fella... you in the 
chariot! That was an illegal left turn, pull over.

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