BACK ACTS4 5'3m0f Jesus is crucified but his miracles continue (all voices are Brooklyn accents, scene opens with low mumbling) BOSS -- Alright, dis meetin' of the Sanhedrin will come to orda. Hey, all yous priests and Pharisees, listen up. BENNIE - Sure, boss. BOSS -- Owa first order a business is owa financial report from Vinnie da weasel. Vinnie? VINNIE - Tanks, boss. It is with deep remorse that I report a rather significant drop in earnings from all da scams in our organization. BENNIE - Hey, wait a minute. The guy who was turning over the tables of the money changers and sacrifice sellers, didn't we bump him off? He was the messiah, right? BOSS -- That is ALLEGED messiah, Bennie. BENNIE - Sorry, boss. But I thought we bumped him off, didn't we? BOSS -- I was under the same impression, Vinnie. Did we punch the wrong ticket? VINNIE - Oh, we got the right man, alright, Boss. It was Jesus of Nazareth hanging on the cross alright. I even had the guard run a spear through his heart before he took him down to bury him. BOSS -- Well, then how do you explain the continued drop in earnings from our operations? BENNIE - Yeah, if he was the guy who overturned the tables of the money changers and sacrifice sellers, how come we ain't back to normal again? BOSS -- I'll ask the questions around here. BENNIE - Sorry, boss. BOSS -- Okay, if he was the guy who overturned the tables of the money changers and sacrifice sellers, how come we ain't back to normal again? BENNIE - Good question, boss. BOSS -- Thank you, Bennie. BENNIE - You're welcome, Boss. BOSS -- So, explain to us, Vinnie. How come our earnings is still way down? VINNIE - Word is this Jesus guy raised from the dead. BENNIE - (Laughs hysterically) Raised from the dead! That's a good one, eh, boss? Raised from the dead. (laughs until interrupted) BOSS -- Put a sock in it, Bennie. BENNIE - Yeah, sure, boss. It wasn't that funny, anyways. BOSS -- No, it wasn't. I had to personally engineer a cover-up when his body disappeared from the tomb. BENNIE - You mean he did raise from the dead? VINNIE - Button your lip. Nobody is supposed to know. We was gonna to whack everybody what saw Jesus after the resurrection. But we found out that Jesus appeared to more than 500 people after the resurrection. BOSS -- That's ALLEGED resurrection, meat head. VINNIE - Sorry, boss. BOSS -- Resurrection or not, he should no longer be an influence on the earnings of this here organization. BENNIE - Why not, Boss? Did somebody punch his ticket again? VINNIE - You been hiding under a rock, Bennie? Jesus ascended into heaven. BOSS -- He ALLEGEDLY ascended into heaven, meat head. VINNIE - Sorry, boss. BENNIE - Holy smokes! Where was I? BOSS -- I sent you down to Jericho to stir up some civil unrest as a diversion, so as nobody would pay much attention to the ALLEGED messiah ALLEGEDLY raising from the dead. BENNIE - Oh, yeah, I ain't had so much fun stirring up a riot for a long time. BOSS - What I don't understand is why, after Jesus disappears into the clouds, we are still suffering financially as if he were still on earth. BENNIE - Yeah, so, who is overturning the tables of the money changers and sacrifice sellers? VINNIE - Oh, nobody is doing nothing like that. BENNIE - Then what's going on here? BOSS -- I'll ask the questions here, meat heat. BENNIE - Sorry, boss. BOSS -- Then what's going on here? VINNIE - People just aren't sacrificing anymore, boss. They say that Jesus was the sacrifice for their sins and so no other sacrifice is necessary. BENNIE - We can't let them get away with that can we, boss? BOSS -- What about our other scams? What about the collections for the widows and orphans out on the street corners? VINNIE - The disciples of Jesus are selling their property and sharing with the poor directly. People with extra space in their homes are inviting widows and orphans to live with them. The homeless ain't homeless no more. BENNIE - We can't let them get away with that can we, boss? BOSS -- What about our scam called "prayers for healing". That was always a money maker. VINNIE - The apostles are healing everybody they touch. BENNIE - We can't let them get away with that can we, boss? BOSS -- Put a sock in it, Bennie. BENNIE - Sorry, boss. BOSS -- We can't let them get away with that. Let's have the apostles arrested. VINNIE - We just arrested Peter and John after they healed a lame beggar. They spent the night in jail. But we couldn't charge them with anything. There's no law against healing lame people. BENNIE - Well, at least it slowed them down, huh? VINNIE - Not really. While Peter and John was in jail, the Christians had 5000 more converts. BENNIE - (laughs) Talk about stupid. (laughs) BOSS -- What are you laughing about? BENNIE - 5000 people is following a guy who ain't even here no more. Talk about stupid. (laughs) BOSS -- One of them stupid people was my mother. BENNIE - (stops laughing) Oh. Sorry, boss. (fading) Oooo. Aaah! Oooo! Where you taking me, Boss? (door open) BOSS -- (fading) I'm gonna give you deep water swimming lessons with concrete swim fins. This meeting is adjourned. (door close) ©2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use: Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it. Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances. You may reproduce and distribute this script freely, but all copies must contain this copyright statement. http://www.bobsnook.org email: [email protected] BACK |