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UNREAL   5'?m2f Scientism, spirituality, atheism, worth, value

AMY -- (enters backward unwinding wires from a reel)

LIZ -- (enters opposite) Amy! I think somebody broke into my
house!

AMY -- (unconcerned) Oh, really?

LIZ -- Somebody took the painting.

AMY -- The painting.

LIZ -- You know what painting! The Renoir.

AMY -- You mean the painting over the fireplace?

LIZ -- Yes. The Renoir.

AMY -- I was just in your living room and I saw a painting
hanging over the fireplace.

LIZ -- It was a fake. In fact, it was not even a good fake. It
looks like a child painted it. (exiting) I'm calling the police!

AMY -- Don't bother.

LIZ -- (stops, turns) What do you mean, don't bother?! Do you
know how much that painting is worth?!

AMY -- I know that YOU didn't pay anything for it.

LIZ -- That's beside the point. Just because we received the
painting as a gift, doesn't mean it's not valuable! For your
information, we had the painting appraised. It's worth over two
million dollars.

AMY -- So you told me a dozen times.

LIZ -- What are you doing?

AMY -- I'm setting up an exhibition.

LIZ -- An exhibition.

AMY -- A demonstration, actually.

LIZ -- And what are you demonstrating? Where do those wires
lead?

AMY -- These wires lead to the chimney on top of your house. I
wanted the entire neighborhood to see the demonstration.

LIZ -- You know, you're acting a little too casual for a person
who knows that a two million dollar painting has been stolen.

AMY -- (wiring a switch) See, that's where you're wrong. First
of all the painting hasn't been stolen. It was merely exchanged.

LIZ -- For an obvious fake. My nephew could have painted a
better copy.

AMY -- As a matter of fact, your nephew DID paint the copy.

LIZ -- So, you are the one who stole our painting.

AMY -- See, that's where you're wrong again. I didn't take it.

LIZ -- Well, where is it, then?!

AMY -- (nods toward the chimney)

LIZ -- (turns, gasps) You put a two-million dollar painting up
on the chimney where it could be damaged?!

AMY -- Actually, to be more precise, when I push this button,
the painting will be more than damaged. Plug your ears.

LIZ -- Have you lost your mind?!

AMY -- I don't know what you're so worried about. You've got the same size
painting with the same colors hanging over your fireplace.

LIZ -- A child's copy is not the same thing as an original
Renoir!

AMY -- Aw, what's the difference?! Five, four, three, two.
(holds switch at eye level)

LIZ -- Wait a minute!

AMY -- Make it snappy. Your neighbors are all standing by
waiting for the explosion.

LIZ -- You can't really be serious! You're not REALLY going to
destroy a priceless painting!

AMY -- Well, your painting seems to have suddenly appreciated in
value. Just a minute ago it was appraised at two million
dollars, but now it's priceless. I'd better blow it up before
this demonstration gets more costly. (holds switch at eye level)

LIZ -- No! Wait!

AMY -- Alright, what is it now?

LIZ -- I'll do anything! Please don't destroy that painting!

AMY -- You'll do ANYTHING?

LIZ -- Yes.

AMY -- Good. That's all I wanted. (begins rewinding wires)

LIZ -- (long pause while she looks to chimney, then to wires,
then to Amy, follows) You never were going to blow up our
painting, were you?

AMY -- Nope. Your painting is behind the couch in your living
room.

LIZ -- But... (points to chimney)

AMY -- Oh, that. That's just another copy.

LIZ -- What's this all about?

AMY -- This is all about science.

LIZ -- ...about when I told you that if science couldn't measure
it, it doesn't exist.

AMY -- That's right.

LIZ -- How does destroying our painting relate to what science
can measure?

AMY -- Your nephew's paintings are the same size and they
contain the same colors as the Renoir. What would science tell
you about the value of paintings?

LIZ -- Oh. So, what you're saying is that what makes the Renoir
valuable can't be measured by science?

AMY -- Let me ask you a question. If I had decided to blow up
your nephew instead of the painting, wouldn't you have had the
same reaction?

LIZ -- Yes. I suppose I would have.

AMY -- The point I was trying to make is that the most important
things in life CAN'T be measured by science, because the most
important things in life are not things. Think about it. Love,
relationships, pleasure, motherhood, admiration, teamwork,
ideas, satisfaction... none of them can be measured because they
are in the realm of the non-material world. Am I wrong?

LIZ -- You're not wrong.

AMY -- Yet, you say that because God and belief in God are in
the non-material world and because we can't measure things in
the non-material world, we must conclude that they don't exist.

LIZ -- (sighs) Alright. I'll admit that there are some important
things in the world that you can't measure. And I'll admit that
God MIGHT POSSIBLY exist in the non-material world.

AMY -- Alright, then...

LIZ -- ...if you're going to ask me to go to church with you,
don't.

AMY -- Why not?

LIZ -- I just lost my atheism on the same day I almost
lost my painting. I'll need some time to recover.

AMY -- (exiting) In that case, wait til you see my NEXT
demonstration.

LIZ -- Demonstration. (follows) Listen, I don't think my heart
can take another one of your demonstrations!

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it.
Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances.
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http://www.bobsnook.org  email: bob@bobsnook.org

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