TRINITY4 9'1m4f Trinity, Holy Spirit, cults

(all Biblical characters wear tunic and sandals)

SAM -- (enters wearing a fedora with unlit cigarette in mouth,
crosses strolling, to audience) The name is Spade. Sam Spade.
I'm a private investigator. In fact, I'm the world's greatest
private investigator.

AGENT -- (follows, wearing business suit, carrying briefcase)
Spade? Sam Spade? (freezes)

SAM -- (stops, to audience) When you're the world's greatest
private-eye, everybody knows your name.


That's my name. You got something important needs investigating?

AGENT -- No.

SAM -- No? Then how do you know my name?

AGENT -- (flashes wallet) I'm from the I.R.S.. And YOU are
behind on your tax payments. (freezes)

SAM -- Listen, I can explain that. (to audience) Listen, I can
explain that. When you're in the investigation business clients
come in streaks. Sometimes you have a busy streak and sometimes
you have a slow streak. Right now, I'm in a slow streak. (to
Agent) Would you believe the check is in the mail?

AGENT -- No.

SAM -- Oh.

AGENT -- (offers folded paper) Would you believe you have seven
days to come up with the money or you loose your house, your car
and your office furniture?

SAM -- (reads paper) $20,000?! Where am I going to get that kind
of money in seven days?!

AGENT -- (turns, exits) You're an investigator. Investigate.

SAM -- (turns, strolls, looks at letter, to audience) Maybe I
should get a real job.

LAWYER -- (follows, wearing business suit, carrying briefcase)
Spade? Sam Spade? (freezes)

SAM -- (stops, doesn't turn) If you're a bill collector, my name
is Fred Giberdight. People often mistake me for that world class
detective, but....

LAWYER -- So, you're not interested in making $20,000?

SAM -- As luck would have it, I just finished a successful
investigation and I might just be available. (spins) Oh, it's
you. (turns)

LAWYER -- Did I mention that it's $20,000 IN ADVANCE? (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) When you're the world's greatest
private-eye, sometimes you have to play hard-to-get. (turns)
What's the catch?

LAWYER -- The catch?

SAM -- Yes. Last time you hired me, you talked me into working
on contingency. Never again.

LAWYER -- (offers envelope) My client thinks he has a much
better case this time. (freezes)

SAM -- (takes envelope, to audience) I doubt it. This lawyer
represents a cult that claims to be Christian, but they reject
everything that the Christians hold dear. (to lawyer) Listen,
I'll take your client's money but I think he's wasting his time.
He sued the church for hundreds of millions of dollars a couple
of times, but his lawsuits keep getting thrown out of court for
lack of evidence.

LAWYER -- He thinks he has a case this time.

SAM -- I'm listening.

LAWYER -- Well, this lawsuit involves the Holy Spirit.

SAM -- What about the Holy Spirit?

LAWYER -- Well, the mainstream Christian Church claims that the
Holy Spirit is the third person of the Trinity.

SAM -- And, of course, your client claims the Holy Spirit is the
SECOND person of the trinity.

LAWYER -- No. He claims the Holy Spirit is not a person at all.
He claims that the Bible clearly states that the Holy Spirit is
merely the power force behind the will of God.

SAM -- Pardon me while I yawn.

LAWYER -- Bring me the evidence within a week and I'll give you
another $20,000. (exits)

SAM -- In that case, I'll get right on it. (turns, strolls, to
audience) My first destination was to the public library. (to
Library) Hiya, doll-face.

LIBRARIAN -- (enters opposite carrying a stack of books) Will
you please keep your voice down?! This is a library!

SAM -- Oh, sorry, doll-face. I need some information about the
Holy Spirit.

LIBRARIAN -- I'm sorry, I'm busy. (turns, freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) You are about to see why I am called the
world's greatest private-eye. Watch how quickly I soften her up.
(to Librarian) Oh, look! Somebody dropped a twenty-dollar bill!

LIBRARIAN -- (turns) Where?! (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) Putty in my hands. (to Librarian, offers
money) Right here under my request for information about the
Holy Spirit.

LIBRARIAN -- (takes money) What do you want to know?

SAM -- Do you know where the Holy Spirit is first mentioned in
the Bible?

LIBRARIAN -- Sure. He first appears in the Book of Genesis
during the creation.

SAM -- He?

LIBRARIAN -- Excuse me?

SAM -- When I asked you about the Holy Spirit, you said HE.

LIBRARIAN -- Yes. What's wrong with that?

SAM -- My client claims that the Holy Spirit is nothing more
than the power of God at work in the world.

LIBRARIAN -- Well, he's wrong. The Holy Spirit is the person who
is credited with creating the world. The Book of Genesis says
that HE hovered over the earth during the entire time of the
creation. Power doesn't hover.

SAM -- Bummer.

LIBRARIAN -- What's wrong?

SAM -- If the Holy Spirit turns out to be a non-person, I get a
$20,000 bonus.

LIBRARIAN -- Well, I wouldn't go on a shopping spree if I were

SAM -- Tell me, who in the Bible can give me the low-down on the
Holy Spirit?

LIBRARIAN -- Well, the Apostle Paul wrote about him.

SAM -- Him. You said Him. Please don't say him.

LIBRARIAN -- (turns, exits) Well, then, I just won't say

SAM -- (turns, strolls, to audience) I went back in time to 65
A.D.. (stops) Now, I can see by your expression that you doubt
me. But go with me on this. I'm the world's greatest
private-eye! It's 65 A.D.. This is the prison in Rome. Rome,

JAILER -- (enters opposite wearing tunic and sandals, carrying a
large ring of keys) Hey, haven't I seen you here before?

SAM -- Yeah, I'm one of them Jesus freaks.

JAILER -- Oh, yes! You came here to visit Paul the Apostle.

SAM -- Yes.

JAILER -- Sorry, you missed him again. You know.... (runs own
finger across own throat)

SAM -- On the Apian Way, you said.

JAILER -- Sorry.

SAM -- Listen, as his jailer, you read all of his mail, right?

JAILER -- Right.

SAM -- So, if Paul wrote about the Holy Spirit, you would
remember what he wrote. Right?

JAILER -- Right. Paul wrote about HIM a lot.

SAM -- Him.

JAILER -- Huh?

SAM -- I asked about the Holy Spirit and you said HIM.

JAILER -- Yeah, so?

SAM -- So. How do you know the Holy Spirit is a person and not
merely the power of God?

JAILER -- Well, that's a no-brainer. Almost every time Paul
wrote about the Holy Spirit, he referred to him as HIM.

SAM -- What I mean is maybe Paul just referred to the Holy
Spirit as a HIM out of convention. Maybe he did it because
everybody does it that way.

JAILER -- Wrong. Paul says that for believers the Holy Spirit
LIVES in them. What power do you know LIVES anywhere?

SAM -- I'm not convinced. What else you got?

JAILER -- (pauses, snaps fingers) In the letter to the Hebrews,
Paul quoted the Holy Spirit.

SAM -- He what?

JAILER -- He QUOTED the Holy Spirit. Let's see if I remember the
exact words Paul used. Yes. He quoted the Spirit as saying, ah,
"This is the covenant I will make with them after that time,
says the Lord. I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will
write them on their minds."

SAM -- The Holy Spirit SAID that?

JAILER -- Sure. Paul also quoted the Holy Spirit as saying, ah,
"Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you
did in the rebellion, during the time of testing in the desert,
where your fathers tested and tried me and for forty years saw
what I did." How's that for a quote?

SAM -- Wait a minute. That quotation is from a Psalm of David.

JAILER -- Who do you think David got it from?

SAM -- Who. I wish you wouldn't say WHO.

JAILER -- Why not?

SAM -- (turns) Because your WHO just cost me a $20,000 bonus.

JAILER -- Stop in anytime when you can stay longer! That's a
little jailers humor there. (laughs, turns, exits)

SAM -- (strolls to audience) I went back to the future intending
to go to the race track to parlay this (holds up envelope)
$20,000 into a perfecta, when reality poked it's ugly face

AGENT -- (enters opposite, snatches envelope) Not so fast there,
Spade. Your assets are now OUR assets. (peaks into envelope)
This brings you up to date, until NEXT April. (turns, exits)
Keep in touch.

SAM -- (turns, strolls, to audience) Well, at least I still have
my house and my car and my office furniture, all thanks to the
generosity of this cult leader. Say, HE seems to be making the
big bucks. Maybe I'm in the wrong business. (exits) Maybe I
should start a cult.

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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