TRINITY  9'1m4f Deity and humanity of Jesus, trinity, cults

SAM -- (enters wearing a fedora with unlit cigarette in mouth,
crosses strolling, to audience) The name is Spade. Sam Spade.
I'm a private investigator. In fact, I'm the world's greatest
private investigator. Now, I know what your thinking. You're
thinking that anybody can CLAIM to be the greatest. But come
along with me on this next case and I'll prove to you why I am
the greatest private-eye of all time.

LAWYER -- (enters opposite, wearing business suit, carrying
briefcase) Are you the private dick?

SAM -- The name is Spade. Sam Spade. I'm a private investigator.
In fact, I'm the world's greatest....

LAWYER -- Save it. You and I both know your a sleaze-ball.

SAM -- (to audience) Look, I can explain. Even a world-class
private-eye like me has to investigate a few sleazy divorces in
order to pay the bills when business is slow. (to Lawyer)
Alright, I may be a sleaze-ball, but I'm a sleaze-ball who gets
the job done. You got something to investigate?

LAWYER -- Yeah. I'm the principle legal counsel for a religious
organization that calls itself God's one true church.

SAM -- Which organization is that?

LAWYER -- That information is on a need to know basis, and...

SAM -- ...and I don't need to know.

LAWYER -- You're not as dumb as you look.

SAM -- I'm listening.

LAWYER -- My client wants to sue the mainline Christian church.
We need some background on one of the church dogmas.

SAM -- Dogmas, you say?

LAWYER -- Yeah.

SAM -- You need a veterinarian.

LAWYER -- Dogmas are teachings of the church.

SAM -- I knew that.

LAWYER -- I'm sure.

SAM -- Which Dogma is in question?

LAWYER -- The mainline church teaches that Jesus of Nazareth was
God in human flesh. My client says the mainline church is

SAM -- Apostate. You need a urologist.

LAWYER -- APOSTATE means that the church went astray after the
apostles all died.

SAM -- I knew that.

LAWYER -- My client is suing to make them go back to the correct
teaching about Jesus.

SAM -- And you want me to....

LAWYER -- Find out what the actual teaching was before the
Apostles died.

SAM -- You got anyone in particular in mind?

LAWYER -- Saul of Tarsus.

SAM -- You got an address on this guy?

LAWYER -- Only that he changed is name to Paul.

SAM -- Paul. Paul what?

LAWYER -- Apostle Paul.

SAM -- You got any ideas where I can find this... Paul?

LAWYER -- He's dead. He died 2000 years ago.

SAM -- I knew that.

LAWYER -- I'm sure.

SAM -- Hey, I'm the world's greatest private-eye. You want
information on church catma...

LAWYER -- Dogma.

SAM -- Dogma. I meant dogma. You want information on church
dogma, you came to the right guy. Now there was just the matter
of my fee.

LAWYER -- Your fee is contingent.

SAM -- Contingent.

LAWYER -- Yes.

SAM -- I don't like the way that sounds. That sounds very much
like I don't get my usual retainer up front.

LAWYER -- We're suing the mainline church for 200 million
dollars. Your cut will be 1% of that.

SAM -- One percent. (pauses) That's... (counts on fingers)

LAWYER -- Two million dollars.

SAM -- I'm beginning to like contingent.

LAWYER -- Well, get busy! The sooner we have our information the
sooner you get your two million dollars. (exits)

SAM -- (turns, strolls, to audience) Now, even for the world's
greatest private-eye, two million dollars is a lot of dough. My
first destination was to the public library. (to Library) Hiya,

LIBRARIAN -- (enters opposite carrying a stack of books) Will
you please keep your voice down?! This is a library!

SAM -- Oh, sorry, doll-face. I need some information about a guy
named Saul of Tarsus.

LIBRARIAN -- What do you need to know about him?

SAM -- Where do I find him?

LIBRARIAN -- You could start in Tarsus. (freezes)

SAM -- I could tell I got off on the wrong foot with this doll,
so I tried to smooth over the rough spots. (to Librarian) Look,
doll-face, I'm sorry for coming on so strong. But I really need
to find this guy, Saul of Tarsus. (pulls out money) I'd like to
make it worth your while. (offers money)

LIBRARIAN -- (takes money) Well! Why didn't you say so?!

SAM -- I understand this Saul of Tarsus has an alias. Does the
name Apostle Paul ring any bells?

LIBRARIAN -- Yes, he wrote half of the New Testament of the

SAM -- Yeah. That's him. Where might I find him?

LIBRARIAN -- You realize of course that he's dead?

SAM -- Oh, sure. What I want to know is where and when he was
last seen alive.

LIBRARIAN -- He was imprisoned in Rome until about 65 AD, then
he was beheaded on the Apian Way.

SAM -- Thanks, doll-face, you've been a big help.

LIBRARIAN -- You can find the books about him in Aisle ten.
(points over shoulder)

SAM -- (backs away) No thanks, doll-face, I'll get the skinny
directly from the horses mouth.

LIBRARIAN -- (turns, exits) The horse's mouth?

SAM -- (turns, strolls, to audience) When your the world's
greatest private-eye, your not subject to the same limitations
as lesser private-eyes. I went back in time to 65 AD. (stops)
Now, I can see by your expression that you doubt me. But go with
me on this. It's 65 AD. This is the prison in Rome. Rome, Italy.

(all Biblical characters wear tunic and sandals)

JAILER -- (enters opposite, carrying a large ring of keys) I
suppose you're one of them Jesus freaks.

SAM -- Jesus freaks? (smiles to audience) Oh, Jesus freaks, yes.
Me and my friend Apostle Paul are Jesus freaks. I'd like to talk
to my friend Paul.

JAILER -- Too late.

SAM -- Too late?

JAILER -- (mimes cutting own throat)

SAM -- On the Apian Way.

JAILER -- Well, if you already knew about it why did you come

SAM -- Call it a miscalculation of the time dilation in the
theory of relativity.

JAILER -- Huh?

SAM -- Listen, Paul and I were talking about this guy Jesus of

JAILER -- You too, huh? The guy wouldn't shut-up about Jesus.

SAM -- You remember what he said about Jesus?

JAILER -- Remember? He converted almost every other Jailer in
the prison here.

SAM -- But not you?

JAILER -- Naw. Paul claims you have to trust Jesus to pay for
your sins. But I have trust issues.

SAM -- Listen, did you remember Paul ever saying anything about
Jesus being more than just a man?

JAILER -- Sure. Said it all the time. You know, he wrote about
half of the New Testament while he was in jail here.

SAM -- What, specifically, did he write about Jesus?

JAILER -- Well, in one letter I saw, Paul said that Jesus was
"God over all". And in another letter Paul referred to "Jesus
our Savior" and "God our savior" in the same sentence, as if
there was no difference between Jesus and God.

SAM -- Bummer.

JAILER -- Bummer?! I thought you Jesus freaks was gaga for stuff
like that!

SAM -- Oh. Sure. Us Jesus freaks think Jesus is God over all.
(turns) Thanks for the info.

JAILER -- Sure. Stop in anytime when you can stay longer! That's
a little jailers humor there. (laughs, turns, exits)

SAM -- Very little. (turns, strolls, to audience) That Apostle
Paul might have just cost me my two million dollar contingent
fee. PLUS, I had to spend my own dough to get here. There's got
to be another way! After a little leg work I learned that Paul
was just one of twelve apostles of Jesus. So, I hurried to
Jerusalem to find one of them, hoping beyond hope that Paul had
it wrong. (shouts) Pardon me, lady?

MARY -- (enters opposite) Were you talking to me?

SAM -- Yes. I was looking for an apostle.

MARY -- Are you from the Sanhedrin?

SAM -- Sorry, I don't know nothing about geometry.

MARY -- What is geometry?

SAM -- Sanhedrin.

MARY -- Sanhedrin is the organization of Jewish elites.

SAM -- Oh. Oh, no. I'm not from there.

MARY -- You're dressed funny. Are you sure you're not one of
them? (freezes)

SAM -- (to audience) Now, my first reaction is to side with the
elites. But I get the feeling that these JEWISH elites are not
so well thought of by the Christians around here. Watch how I
put this lady at ease. (to Mary) Actually, doll-face, I'm
dressed funny because I'm not from around here. I came here from
Rome. I was visiting Apostle Paul.

MARY -- You know Paul?!

SAM -- They don't call be a Jesus freak for nothing!

MARY -- Oh! How is Paul?!

SAM -- (turns to audience, bites finger, to Mary) He's in a much
better place now.

MARY -- So, they took him out of prison?!

SAM -- Yup. Listen, I was wondering if you knew where I might
find another apostle. See, Paul and I were having this
disagreement. Paul says that Jesus is God over all, but I say
that he was just a guy or maybe an angel or something.

MARY -- No, you've got it all wrong.

SAM -- Bummer.

MARY -- Peter calls Jesus "our God and Savior".

SAM -- And there's no way Peter could be mistaken about that?

MARY -- No way. All the Apostles refer to Jesus as our savior
and the Prophet Isaiah said that there is no savior except God
alone. If Jesus isn't God he can't be the savior either.

SAM -- What about the other Apostles? Maybe I could talked to
one of them?

MARY -- Well, there's Apostle John. But I just read a letter he
wrote in which he referred to Jesus as "True God and eternal

SAM -- Bummer.

MARY -- Bummer?! If you're really a Jesus freak, I would think
you'd be thrilled that Jesus has the power of God to forgive the
sins of all mankind.

SAM -- What about Jesus himself? Did he ever claim to be God

MARY -- Jesus claimed to be the God of the burning bush. That's
why the Jewish elites crucified Jesus.

SAM -- Bummer.

MARY -- (backs to exit) You ARE from the Sanhedrin, aren't you?!

SAM -- (turns, strolls, to audience) Well, there you have it,
Jesus is really God, at least according to his apostles. The
lesson for me is to collect a retainer fee UP FRONT. (exits)

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