THANKS   6'1m7f The Thanksgiving police

CLERK1 -- (enters with clipboard, stands near wings, writes)

LILITH -- (strong, sure, sullen, enters opposite, crossing to 
Clerk1) Aren't you finished with that report yet?

CLERK1 -- I'm just finishing it up right now.

LILITH -- Come on, come on. This is eating into my lunch hour.

CLERK1 -- I'm sorry. They made me include some new account 

LILITH -- (shifts weight, looks around, looks at watch) Any
time before the end of the century would be nice.

CLERK1 -- Just one more number. Here. (removes paper from 
clipboard hands it to Lilith, exits) There you go.

LILITH -- (sarcastically) Thank you so much. 

CLERK2 -- (enters opposite with clipboard, stands near wings, 

LILITH -- (turns, crossing to Clerk2) Don't tell me you're still 
not finished with your report either.

CLERK2 -- (sings) Just a second.

LILITH -- (clicks tongue, shifts weight, looks around, looks at 

CLERK2 -- (writing) What's the matter? Got a hot date waiting 
for you at lunch?

LILITH -- Just finish the report.

CLERK2 -- I'm not going to let you spoil my day. (sings) It's 
Thanksgiving tomorrow.

LILITH -- Forgive me if I'm not just gushing with thaksgiving 
because your report is late.

CLERK2 -- (removes paper from clipboard hands it to Lilith, 
exits smiling, sings) There you go.

LILITH -- (sings sarcastically) Thank you. (turns to cross)

ANGEL --- (dainty fairy-god-mother type, enters same side) You 
didn't mean that.

LILITH -- (stops, turns, impatient) Excuse me? Are you talking 
to me? 

ANGEL --- You said "thank you" but you didn't mean it.

LILITH -- Look. I'm having a really bad day and I'm really busy. 
Send me an email. (turns, takes one step)

ANGEL --- You're under arrest.

LILITH -- (takes a deep breath, turns) The last time I checked, 
insincerity was not a crime in this state. Look, I don't know 
who you are or what prankster put you up to this, but I have 
lots to do. So, (turns, crosses to C) if you'll excuse...

ANGEL --- You're under arrest. (points at Lilith's feet) Freeze.

LILITH -- (freezes midstride, looks down at own legs, tries to 
free feet from floor) How did you do that?

ANGEL --- As a Christian, you are required to give thanks in all 
circumstances. And this morning you failed miserably several 
times. And in doing so, you cheapened the phrase "Thank you".

LILITH -- (struggling subtly) Listen, I don't know who you are, 
or how you did this. But I really don't... (looks around) Say, am 
I on "America's Funniest Home Videos"?

ANGEL --- (reads from pad) According to the record, your first 
violation was at exactly 7:12 this morning.

BOTH ---- At the health club. 

LILITH -- Have you been following me? Look, if you don't let me 
go, I'm going to call security.

ANGEL --- Are you going to confess your sin at the health club 
or am I going to have to take you down to headquarters?

LILITH -- Well, if you must know, I bought a new dress for the 
Thanksgiving banquet at church tonight and it was a little snug, 
so I decided to go to the health club to work off a little 
weight. Now, will you please let me go? (points at feet)

ANGEL --- I still haven't heard a confession.

LILITH -- Alright, if you must know, when I got to the health 
club, that cute little aerobics instructor with the tiny little 
tush, came to the door and said (holding finger to cheek to make 
a dimple, imitates bimbo) "Oh, I'm sorry, the aerobics room is 
closed all day for remodeling." 

ANGEL --- And...

LILITH -- And I said, (sarcastic) "Thank you so much".

ANGEL --- But you weren't really thankful.

LILITH -- Well, what is there to give thanks for in that 
circumstance? Every ounce of fat I've got is going to show in my 
new dress.

ANGEL --- Look over there. (points to exit)

LILITH -- (looks) Where? I don't see anything.

ANGEL --- You're not looking hard enough. Look, on the street 
corners of Bombay, Bangladesh, Mexico City...

CHILD --- (enters barefoot, wearing rags, hands cupped and 
raised, begging to imaginary passers-by) Please, lady, can you 
spare any change. Please? (turns, exiting) Please, lady, I 
haven't had anything to eat for two days.

LILITH -- Alright, I get the point. I'm all hung up on my own 
little problem of eating too much, while out there in the world 
people are starving. 

ANGEL --- And...

LILITH -- And instead of grumbling, I should have given thanks 
that I have plenty to eat.

ANGEL --- Did you happen to notice what that little girl had on 
her feet?

LILITH -- No. I guess I was too self-absorbed trying to figure 
out how you glued MY feet to the floor.

ANGEL --- She had no shoes. 

LILITH -- Yeah. So?

ANGEL --- So, that brings us to your second violation. (reads 
from pad) 10:03 this morning, a phone conversation with a clerk 
at Macy's department store.

LILITH -- Oh, that. That was nothing.

ANGEL --- Okay, I'll just take you down to headquarters. (grabs 
her arm) Let's go.

LILITH -- (resists) Alright, so I was a little unpleasant on the 
phone. She promised me that the shoes I needed to match my new 
dress would be in today. But, when I called this morning, she 
says, (imitating) "Oh, I'm sorry, our shoe delivery doesn't get 
in until Friday. It's a Holiday tomorrow, you know. Tee hee."

ANGEL --- And...

LILITH -- I hate it when you say that.

ANGEL --- And...

LILITH -- And I said (gruff) "Thank you so much" (voice trails 
off) "you miserable little...."

ANGEL --- And... And...

LILITH -- And I should have given thanks that I have a closet 
full off shoes, when half the world is barefoot. Now will you 
let me go?

ANGEL --- And...

LILITH -- And what? I already said I was thankful. What do you 
want from me?

ANGEL --- You're going to church tonight.

LILITH -- I go to church every Wednesday night. (pause) What.

ANGEL --- Look over there. (points to other wing)

LILITH -- (looks) You did that before and I couldn't see 
anything. Where am I looking?

ANGEL --- You're looking at the communist countries and the 
Muslim countries all over the world.

WOMAN --- (enters reading a Bible) Give thanks in all 
circumstances. For this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

POLICE -- (enters, grabbing woman, pulling her offstage) You're 
under arrest for preaching an unauthorized religion.

WOMAN --- But all I did was...

POLICE -- Come along. (both exit)

ANGEL --- This happens tens of thousands of time every year all 
over the world.

LILITH -- Alright, I get the point. I'm an ingrateful slob. I 
live in a country where I can worship freely and I take it for 
granted. Can I go shopping for my shoes now?

ANGEL --- Not yet. With your attitude, you'll miss your most 
important blessing at Thanksgiving.

LILITH -- I thought we covered them all.

ANGEL --- Look there. (points to opposite wing)

LILITH -- (looks) You're doing it again.

ANGEL --- Look. 2000 years ago. There. In Israel.

JESUS --- (enters, crosses DS of Lilith and Angel, carrying 
cross) Abba, Father, everything is possible for you. Take this 
cup from me. 

LILITH --- (follows Jesus till he reaches exit)

ANGEL ---- (backs away, quietly exits opposite)

JESUS ---- (exiting) Yet, not my will, but your will be done on 
earth as it is in Heaven. 

LILITH -- Now I see the point. (looks back expecting a response 
from Angel, looks around, looks down, notices feet are now free, 
smiles back toward Angel, ponders to audience, smile melts, 
looks offstage toward Jesus, ponders to audience, sighs, smiles 
tearfully, looks up) Thank you. (turns, follows Jesus) 

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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