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SNAKEOIL 6'3m3f Televangelist sells everything but salvation

         (stage hands set up the stage with podium and arbor)

ANNOUNCER - Ladies and gentlemen, tonight you and I have the
         privilege of participating in a rare event.  We will
         be part of the taping of a pilot for a regular Sunday
         morning television series which combines the Gospel
         with down-to-earth, practical, everyday living.
         Although there may be a few changes when sponsors and
         writers negotiate the final format of the show ...

DIRECTOR - Tape is rolling.  Quiet on the set, please.

         (lights dim to dark)

ANNOUNCER - (Breathy, deep voiced, overennunciating)
         Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for inspiration on
         dental care.  And here with today's inspiring message
         is the world's foremost expert on gospel dentistry is
         Dr. Oral Hygiene.

         (cue choir music)

         Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Hygiene's SERMON ON THE MOUTH

         (applause sign on, lights up on the podium, Oral enters
         thru the arbor and the music fades, applause sign off)

ORAL -   Thankya, brothas 'n sistas. It's a reeyall pleszha
         bein' heya taday.  Taday, I feel compelled ta tolk
         abaut the sinista menace that is pervadin, awa saciety
         in this day and ajja ...
         Brothas and sistas the Lowad wonts ayew ta hayav calean
         teeth.

VOICES - (in the audience, all delivering these lines at once)
         Clean teeth, yassa.
         Praise the lowad, clean teeth.
         Amen to that, brotha.

ORAL -   Brothas an' sistas, the Lowad wonts ayew ta hayav
         hayellthey gums.

VOICES - Yessa, heyaltha gums.
         Praise the lowad, heyaltha gums.
         Amen to that, brotha.

ORAL -   Brothas an' sistas, the lowad wonts ayew ta hayav
         fareyesh breyeth.

VOICES - Yessa, fareyesh bareyeth.
         Praise the lowad, fareyesh bareyeth.
         Amen to that, brotha.

ORAL -   Brothas an' sistas, the devil is in owa miyidst. An'
         he is cows@n vs ta sin    Wea.nowat taokin' about 'bout
         sins of omission, lak @ogittin' ta brush ayafta ever'
         meyall.

VOICES - Not jus' thayat, nosa.
         Afta ever' meyal, loadamoty.
         Tell lem revernd.

ORAL -   Brothas an' sistas wea not jus' tokin' baut fogittin'
         ta floss bataween yol teeth ever' day.

VOICES - Not jus' thayat, nosa.
         Ever' day, loadamoty.
         Tell lem revernd.

ORAL -   We ain't tokin lbaut eatin' bataween meyall snayaks,
         though the lowad don't smoll on that sota thang.

VOICES - Not jus' thayat, nosa.
         'Tween meyal snaks, loadamoty.
         Tell lem revernd.

ORAL -   Taday, brothas an' sistas, wea tokin' baut the peril
         Paul spoke of in heehiz second letta ta the Mexucuns...

         (pauses, opens his bible)

         Chapta 2 an' vars seeyix.  "The wagus a' eatin'
         HALAPENYA PEPPAS is HALATOSIS."

VOICES - Loady, not hallatosis.
         Halatosis, amen.
         The devil hizsef, peppas.

ORAL -   Brothas an' sistas, from resunt trayunslations ol the
         Kankune scrolls, the ancient Greek woid, "HALATOSIS"
         means bayud brayuth.

VOICES - Loady, not bayud brayud brayuth.
         Bayud brayuth, whut's theyus world comin ta.
         The devil hizsef, bayud brayuth.

ORAL -   Sistas, um tokin ta yau specifically naw. Sistas,
         lissun ta theyus ... (pauses) ... Leyups thayut touch
         HALAPENYA PEPPAS weyul neva touch mine.

VOICES - Oh, the thought of it.
         Load, save us from seyun.
         Neva touch mine, nosa.

ORAL -   Ya know, brotha an' sistas, the lowad kin eat anathin'
         he wonts.

Voice    Anathin', yassa.

ORAL -   But, do ya thank fowa won momunt thayat the Lowad
         would breth lof inta ADAM an' EVE afta eatin'
         HALAPENYA PEPPAS?!

VOICES - Nosa, not the Lowad.
         Neva, no chance.
         The lowad would neva do that.

ORAL -   Da yaoo think foa a momunt thayet Mara Magdulun wood
         keyis the fayt ol the Lowad with the smayell ol
         HALAPENYA PEPPAS on har brayeth?

VOICES - Not Mara Magdulun, nosa.
         She would neva do thayet.
         Certainla naut.

ORAL -   Fowatunatela, brothas and sistas, theya is salvation
         from theyis dredud problum.  And heya is sista Jimma
         Sue ta tayell ya abaut ut.  Jimma Sue?

JIMMIE SUE - Frayunds, the salvation theyat brotha Oral wuz
         toakin' abayot is a neeyew antaceptuc called PRAISE.
         (Holds up the bottle)
         Frayunds, this anatceptuc iyuz pawurful enuff ta keyull
         germs and fat bayud brayuth, evun bayud brayuth cozed
         ba HALAPENYA PEPPAS.  Whayun yau hayuv a cold owa flew,
         PRAISE weyull cleyur yer sanusuz.

         Applad ayafta shampooin', PRAISE will control dandruff
         an, lice.

         Minny congragashins use PRAISE ta control algae in
         thur BAPTISTRY.

         Dispensed frum a sproy bottle, PRAISE will clean mold
         from yer bathtub toll an' chase flees from yer livin'
         room corpit.  Farmers kin use PRAISE in thur chikin
         coops ta pravent mites an' POLE EVUL.

         Frayunds, thurs a mullion and one usus fer PRAISE
         antaceptuk.  You'd expect ta pay up ta $20 a gallun
         fowa this fan product if ya could buy it in tha stower.
         But, ya cain't buy ut iyun tha stower.  PRAISE iyuz
         awer free gift ta yew.

         And heyas ole yew dew ta git yer free geyift.  Ya know
         frayunds, the lowad wonts yew ta suppaut Dr. Hagene's
         television ministra.  The Lowad wonts yew ta seyund Dr.
         Hagene a luv geyuft eyun tha mayell taday.  Frayunds,
         if yew seyund Dr. Hagene a luv geyuft of $15 owa mowa,
         weyull seyund yew a quot ol PRAISE antaceptuk
         absolutela frey.

         An' freyunds, eyuf eyew sayund Dr. Hagene a luv geyuft
         ol thurta dollas owa mora, weyull seyund yew a gallon
         ol PRAISE antaceptuk absolutela frey.

         Git aut yer cheyuk boowuks noaw an' make aut yer check
         ta ORAL HAGENE, 666 Avenue of the Money Changers,
         Pharasee, California, 92666.

         An' freyunds, thank yew fer yer suppowut.  Naw, bayak
         ta Dr. Hagene.

ORAL -   Wull, thayuts oll the tom we hayuv fer nayo, brothas
         an' sistas. so, in closin', a jest wont ta ramand
         yew thayat PRAISE antaceptuk mauth worsh was proficied
         in the Bable... eyun the buk a PSALMS (reads)
         "Open thau ar leyups and ower mauths shall show forth
         thy PRAISE" (holds up the bottle)

         (lights out, cue choir music)

ANNOUNCER - Stay tuned to this station as the practical gospel
         hour continues with GOSPEL DOG OBEDIENCE.  Dr Billy
         Leash repeats his favorite sermon: "Just a closer walk
         with your dog"

         (lights up on podium)

BILLY -  (reaching out) Heeyull ... Heyull.

         (lights out)

ANNOUNCER - Following immediately after this message from our
         sponsor.


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