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SHOPPING 7'?m2f Shopping addiction no substitute for confession

(scene: police interview room or a table with four chairs)

LIZ -- (enters reluctantly, carrying shopping bags) This is
ridiculous. You can't arrest me! I haven't done anything
illegal!

AMY -- (follows pushing Liz) Yeah, that's what they all say.
(points to chair) Sit.

LIZ -- This is just plane harassment! I haven't done anything
wrong!

AMY -- (points) Sit.

LIZ -- (puts bags on table, sits) Who is your supervisor?! I
want to talk to your supervisor.

AMY -- Yeah, yeah. (takes bags)

LIZ -- Wait a minute! Those are MY bags! Where are you taking
them?!

AMY -- (puts bags in chair) They're evidence.

LIZ -- Evidence?! What, you think I stole those things?!

AMY -- (looks in bags, recites, writes) One black leather purse.
One bottle of cologne....

LIZ -- That's not cologne. That's perfume!

AMY -- (sings) Well, excuse me! (scratches, writes) One bottle
of PERFUME...

LIZ -- Channel perfume.

AMY -- (scratches) One bottle of EXPENSIVE perfume.

LIZ -- I didn't steal those things! I paid for them. I have
receipts to prove it.

AMY -- I know. (recites, writes) One pair of high heeled
shoes... One night gown.... One... two... Several
undergarments...

LIZ -- I don't understand this. If you know I paid for them, why
do you need them for evidence?

AMY -- One leather wallet...

LIZ -- That's alligator.

AMY -- (scratches, sings) Correction. One alligator wallet...
One...

LIZ -- You still haven't told me what I'm being charge with.

AMY -- If you keep interrupting, you'll be here all day.

LIZ -- I'm sorry.

AMY -- One video movie... looks like a sappy love story. Make
that TWO sappy love stories.

LIZ -- I am going to be charge with something, aren't I?!

AMY -- (sighs) You have no idea, do you?

LIZ -- No. That's why I asked.

AMY -- (sits on table) Alright, if you can't wait for me to
finish vouchering the merchandise, I'll tell you. Your being
charged with the use of illegal drugs.

LIZ -- Illegal drugs?!

AMY -- That's right.

LIZ -- I've never used illegal drugs in my life!

AMY -- That's what they all say.

LIZ -- I don't even drink!

AMY -- Uh huh.

LIZ -- There are no drugs in that bag! No drugs of any kind.

AMY -- Uh huh.

LIZ -- Well, look for yourself! Finish writing or... vouchering
or whatever you call it! You won't find any drugs in those bags
or in my purse or in my pockets. You can even strip search me if
you... on second thought, that sounds a little disgusting. I
take that back.

AMY -- We're not going to strip search you.

LIZ -- Oh, Good.

AMY -- We don't have to. We already have the goods on you.

LIZ -- What goods?! I already told you, there are no drugs of
any kind in those bags or anywhere on my person!

AMY -- So, what you're saying is, you really, really needed a
new purse AND a new wallet AND a new nighty AND some new
shoes...

LIZ -- Wait a minute! What does that have to do with what I'm
being charged with? What difference does it make whether I need
ANY of the things in those bags?!

AMY -- (points) Those are the illegal drugs.

LIZ -- (sighs) This is a nightmare! This isn't really happening!
Are you saying a new purse is now classified as an illegal
drug?!

AMY -- It is, if you're a Christian.

LIZ -- (shakes head as if to remove the cob webs) What
difference does it make if I'm a Christian?!

AMY -- If you weren't a Christian, you wouldn't even be
detained.

LIZ -- Wait a minute. Now that I think of it, you never showed
me your badge. You ARE a COP, aren't you?

AMY -- I never said I was a cop.

LIZ -- Then, what am I doing here?!

AMY -- I thought we covered that.

LIZ -- I'm being charged with the use of illegal drugs for
buying things I don't need.

AMY -- You catch on fast.

LIZ -- But if I wasn't a Christian, I wouldn't be charged with
anything.

AMY -- Brilliant.

LIZ -- Not brilliant enough to know what's going on. I'm being
detained, but not by a cop. And I seem to be the victim of
selective prosecution because I'm a Christian.

AMY -- I must admit, I have never had a perp with such a grasp
of reality.

LIZ -- A perp. I'm a perpetrator?

AMY -- Yes.

LIZ -- But I'm only a perp because I'm a Christian.

AMY -- If you weren't a Christian, you wouldn't have an excuse
for compulsive behavior like shopping.

LIZ -- You think I'm a compulsive shopper?

AMY -- What do you call it when someone buys things they don't
need to dull the pain?

LIZ -- (long pause) Oh. (sighs) Oh. (sighs) That's what this is,
isn't it?

AMY -- Yeah. That's what this is. Does it work?

LIZ -- Does what work?

AMY -- Does shopping really dull the pain?

LIZ -- (sighs) Until the bills arrive. No. That's not true
either. It dulls the pain until I turn out the lights at night
and try to sleep. Then the guilt of buying things I don't need
piles on top of whatever it is I'm trying to forget.

AMY -- You know, you are a cut above the average perp.

LIZ -- What are you going to do with me?

AMY -- You're free to go.

LIZ -- (stands) You mean it?

AMY -- Now that you've confessed, (stands, points to Liz's nose)
you're free to go, IF....

LIZ -- If what?

AMY -- For you, shopping is addictive. You are free to go IF you
promise to find a responsible Christian to help you through your
drug rehab.

LIZ -- Drug rehab.

AMY -- Compulsive shoppers have a learned response in times of
stress or loneliness. They kill the pain by going shopping. You
need to RELEARN the Christian response to stress or loneliness.

LIZ -- What response is that?

AMY -- Confession.

LIZ -- Confession.

AMY -- You need to start confiding in God and to other
Christians what your feeling and what you feel like doing about
your feelings. You need help with both your feelings and the
destructive behaviors you use to cover up your feelings.

LIZ -- I see.

AMY -- Don't look so glum. You're a Christian. Christ already
knows about your sins! He already paid for your sins! He just
wants to hear about it from your own lips.

LIZ -- You make it sound easy.

AMY -- If it was easy you would have done it without help. You
should count yourself lucky to have Christians who can help.

LIZ -- I guess I AM lucky, aren't I?

AMY -- (offers bags) Don't get cocky. You still have to return
these drugs to your drug dealer. (exits)

LIZ -- (takes bags, looks into bags, follows) Do I have to?!

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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