SCROLLS  3'2m0f Are these new Bible scrolls authentic?

HOMER -- (a hick, enters hurriedly with scrolls, crosses)

PROF -- (enters opposite, wearing sport coat with elbow patches, reading 
glasses, carrying Bible) Homer, what's your hurry?

HOMER -- How you doin', Perfessor. I'm sorry I don't have time to 
stop and talk. I've gotta get these scrolls over to the museum.

PROF -- Oh, to get them authenticated?

HOMER -- No, to make sure they're real.

PROF -- Homer... authenticated means... Never mind. Listen, I know 
a little bit about antiquities. Maybe I can help you with the 

HOMER -- Gee, that would be terrific, Perfessor. See, if these 
turn out to be real, I could be rich.

PROF -- Why, are they from an ancient civilization?

HOMER -- Naw, they was just used by people a couple thousand 
years ago.

PROF -- Homer, ancient means... Never mind. Do you know where 
they're from?

HOMER -- The guy who sold 'em to me says they're original Bible 
scrolls. Have a look at them. What do you think? Am I rich? 
(offers them to Prof)

PROF -- (refuses them) Not so fast, Homer! Before we try to 
analyze the paper and ink, the first thing we check is the 
validity of the facts in the scrolls. We have to compare the 
facts in your scrolls with those in the Bible to see if they 
contradict the Bible. I tell you what. You read a passage from 
each scroll and I'll compare the facts to my Bible here.

HOMER -- Good idea, Perfessor. (unfurls scroll) "And God 
ordained beer."

PROF -- God ORDAINED BEER? Where does it say that?

HOMER -- Genesis 1:3.

PROF -- Genesis 1:3. (opens Bible) "And God said,"Let there be 
LIGHT." Homer, I hardly think that that is an ordination of 

HOMER -- Not even light beer?

PROF -- Homer, I doubt very much that you're scrolls are worth 

HOMER -- Let's try the next one. It says here, "Cain threw Abel 
into a swamp".

PROF -- Golly, I don't remember that? Let's look it up... (turns 
pages) Homer, it says "Cain SLEW Abel." I hardly think... slew 
and swamp?

HOMER -- Sounds good to me.

PROF -- Let's try another one.

HOMER -- Delilah became a hair stylist and Samson brought the 
house down.

PROF --  Next.

HOMER -- Daniel became a lion tamer.

PROF --  Next.

HOMER -- Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego got a little hot under 
the collar.

PROF --  Next.

HOMER -- Jesus formed the first car pool.

PROF --  Next. Wait a minute. A car pool? 2000 years ago?

HOMER -- Well, that's what it says right here. Luke 19:45.

PROF -- (turns pages) 19:45 "Jesus entered the temple and DROVE 
the money changers out.

HOMER -- Sounds like a car pool to me.

PROF --  Next.

HOMER -- Luke 17:12 "Jesus healed the pole vaulters and high 

PROF -- Wait a minute. Jesus lived in Judea not in Greece. They 
didn't have any Olympics in Judea. They wouldn't have any pole 
vaulters or high jumpers. (turns pages) 17:12. Homer, it says 
here Jesus healed ten...

HOMER -- (looks over Prof's shoulder) See, it says he healed ten 

PROF --  That's lepers. 

HOMER -- Next.

PROF -- Look, Homer, I don't see a single fact in those scrolls 
that gives them any credibility. How much did you pay for them?

HOMER -- 20 bucks, but the guy who sold them to me said they're 
worth a lot more.

PROF -- Well, I don't know... Maybe if we knew where they were 
from... or who the scribe was...

HOMER -- Oh, that's the best part. They were written by a scribe 
named Fred Costalonovitz.

PROF --  A scribe named Fred...

HOMER -- ...Costalonovitz... they called him Fred"C". I'm sure 
you've heard of the... FRED "C" SCROLLS.

PROF --  Good bye, Homer. Have a nice trip to the museum. 

HOMER -- Museum, yeah! (exits) I'm goona be rich!

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