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SALESMAN 6'2m?f A salesman sells everything but salvation 

(scene: storefront shop, imaginary merchandise is on imaginary 
shelves on an imaginary wall between audience and stage)

CUSTOMER -- (enters browses shelves) 

SALESMAN -- (enters opposite) Hello. Welcome to Salvation 
Unlimited. May I help you?

CUSTOMER -- Yes. I was looking for salvation. Do you have 
anything that might fit me?

SALESMAN -- (crosses, points) Yes, indeed, Madame, right over 
here. This is the top of the line in salvation. Some 
denominations claim that it's not only a sure-fire way to go to 
heaven, but it will also give a tremendous sense of 
accomplishment.

CUSTOMER -- (follows) It's a bit pricey, isn't it?

SALESMAN -- Nothing of quality comes cheap, Madame.

CUSTOMER -- Alright, I'm listening.

SALESMAN -- Well, with this model, if you follow every rule 
every minute of every day of your life and never do anything 
wrong, imagine what great accolades you'll receive from the 
heavenly host when you get to Heaven. They'll say, "If anyone 
ever deserved to be in Heaven it's you." Even God will 
personally shake your hand.

CUSTOMER -- That would be great! But, wait a minute. Suppose my 
feet get tired or I get a headache, or something. What if I let 
down for a day and make a mistake?

SALESMAN -- You rot in hell for the rest of eternity. 

CUSTOMER -- For just one mistake?

SALESMAN -- Try not to think about the costs. Think about the 
awe you'll inspire in your peers when you get to heaven.

CUSTOMER -- So, if I bought this model, I suppose I'd be among a 
very select group, huh?

SALESMAN -- Very select.

CUSTOMER -- How select?

SALESMAN -- Well, actually, you'd be (mumbles) the only one.

CUSTOMER -- Excuse me?

SALESMAN -- I said, you'd be the only one.

CUSTOMER -- Nobody ever made it to Heaven by obeying all the 
rules?

SALESMAN -- Well, actually, no.

CUSTOMER -- Well, then why are you selling this model?

SALESMAN -- Because I would get a huge commission from the Lord 
if someone makes it.

CUSTOMER -- You can't be making a very good living if noone 
makes it.

SALESMAN -- Well, actually, I get a small commission from the 
devil for every person who tries and fails to make it to heaven 
by obeying the rules.

CUSTOMER -- Just how many people fail to make it to Heaven by 
obeying the rules?

SALESMAN -- (crosses) Let me show you a less expensive...

CUSTOMER -- How many?

SALESMAN -- Most of my income comes from the devil. (points) Let 
me show you our least expensive salvation. With this model, 
there are no tedious rules to obey, no long term commitments.

CUSTOMER -- The tag says "Apostolic succession". What does that 
mean?

SALESMAN -- To make a long story short, if the man who lays 
hands on you and blesses you can trace his lineage back to one 
of the 12 apostles, you'll make it to Heaven.

CUSTOMER -- What's the catch?

SALESMAN -- No catch. The denominations that sell this model 
swear it's the genuine article. And to tell the truth, I don't 
make much of a commission from this model. That means we pass 
the savings on to you.

CUSTOMER -- And just how many people have made it to heaven by 
way of... ah... apostolic succession?

SALESMAN -- Well, none, right away. But I heard a rumor that 
some of those who bought apostolic succession might make it 
about a thousand years after they die.

CUSTOMER -- A rumor?

SALESMAN -- Well, there's no Biblical foundation for apostolic 
succession. But, you can't beat the price!

CUSTOMER -- What else you got? What about this one, "original 
salvation". (crosses, points)

SALESMAN -- (follows) Oh, I wouldn't bother with that one. 
That's as old as the hills. (crosses back) But, here's a trendy 
salvation! It's part of the New Age movement. You get to design 
your own salvation. It's a thinking man's spirituality. 
Everybody goes to heaven...

CUSTOMER -- (follows) Guaranteed?

SALESMAN -- In theory, anyway. 

CUSTOMER -- Right. (crosses back) Let's get back to this one, 
"original salvation."

SALESMAN -- Oh, here's one, (points) way over here, that I think 
will be just perfect for you...

CUSTOMER -- No, let's talk about this one.

SALESMAN -- (follows) Old fashioned and out-moded. (crosses) Now 
this one over here...

CUSTOMER -- How much of a commission does the devil pay you for 
those who fail to make it to Heaven with  "original salvation"?

SALESMAN -- (steps toward customer) I don't know.

CUSTOMER -- What do you mean you don't know? Does the devil pay 
a commission for original salvation failures or not?

SALESMAN -- I don't know? Noone's ever failed.

CUSTOMER -- Then, that's the one I want.

SALESMAN -- Naw! (crosses) This one over here is perfect for you. 
Let me tell you about...

CUSTOMER -- How much for this one?

SALESMAN -- (walks slowly toward customer) It's humiliating. You 
won't like it. (crosses back) THIS one, on the other hand, is a 
real bargain...

CUSTOMER -- How much for ORIGINAL SALVATION?

SALESMAN -- (walks toward customer) One admission of guilt and 
one submission to authority.

CUSTOMER -- You mean, I have to admit what I've done wrong and 
submit to God's authority?

SALESMAN -- I knew you wouldn't like it. (crosses back) Now, 
step over here and let's talk about this (points)...

CUSTOMER -- I'll take it.

SALESMAN -- Huh? (crosses to customer)

CUSTOMER -- I said, I'll take it.

SALESMAN -- (crosses back) Before you decide, let me show you...

CUSTOMER -- What's the matter, don't you get a very big 
commission from this one?

SALESMAN -- (crosses slowly to customer, head hung low) Well, 
actually, I don't get any commission at all. God works factory 
direct through Jesus Christ. No middle man.

CUSTOMER -- There must be some way you can make a little money 
off this transaction. What about offering an extended warranty?

SALESMAN -- Pffff. Jesus already offers a warranty that lasts 
for eternity. I get no commission, no warranty extension, no 
rehabilitation fee, nothin'! Thanks a lot! (takes merchandise to 
podium, wraps it)

CUSTOMER -- Am I to assume from the tone of your voice that you 
haven't bought any salvation for yourself?

SALESMAN -- Nah! What fun would that be? (hands package to 
customer)

CUSTOMER -- Yeah, but do you know where you'll end up?

SALESMAN -- Yes, and I stand to make a fortune!

CUSTOMER -- A fortune? Doing what?

SALESMAN -- Selling beach-front lots on the lake of fire.

(both exit in opposite directions)


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