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RELATE   8'?m2f Relationships, communication skills

(Note: the four different characters played by Liz may be played
by four different actors)

AMY -- (enters carrying TV remote control, to audience) Have you
ever had problems communicating with other Christians? Hello,
I'm Amy Johnson, inventor of the revolutionary new (offers
remote) Christian Communication Controller. After you see how it
works, you'll want one for your very own. Let me show you how it
works.

LIZ -- (enters, approaches Amy)

AMY -- (to audience) Suppose you've just lost a loved one and,
while you are still mourning the loss, the CHURCH LADY shows up
at your door.

LIZ -- You know, sweety, it's really a good thing that God took
your loved one home to Heaven. If she had lived. She would have
walked with a limp. But, you know, sweety, she wouldn't have
gotten sick in the first place if she had more faith. And maybe
YOU could have prayed more, too.

AMY -- (holds remote at arms length, presses button obviously)

LIZ -- (freezes)

AMY -- I think we've heard enough. As you can see, with my
amazing Christian Communication Controller, you now have full
control when an insensitive Christian snob is about to make
things worse. Let's rewind the communication... (presses button)

LIZ -- (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter and repeats all
motions backward offstage)

AMY -- (presses button) Now we pause for a moment, while we
bring up the menu, (presses button) we scroll down to the
alternate language translations, (presses button) and now, in
addition to Spanish and French, we can choose the language
called Christian Sensitive. (presses button) And when the church
lady shows up you will hear what a church lady SHOULD say.

LIZ -- (reenters with exactly the same walk and mannerisms, but
her tone is softer) Amy, dear, I heard about your Mom. I am so
sorry for your loss. You must be devastated. Listen, if you
don't mind, I'd like to stop buy tomorrow before dinner and drop
off a casserole. The last thing you need to worry about now is
house work.

AMY -- Thank you that would be very nice.

LIZ -- (exiting) See you tomorrow then. Bye Bye. I'll be praying
for you.

AMY -- (to audience, offers remote) The revolutionary new
Christian Communication Controller not only works on insensitive
Christians, it also works on insincere Christians. (points to
Liz) Here's another example.

LIZ -- (enters, approaches) Amy! I was just thinking about you!
I was thinking: we hardly ever get together anymore. Say, is
that a new dress?! I love it! What a yummy color! But, you've
always had good taste in clothes.

AMY -- (presses button)

LIZ -- (freezes with broad smile)

AMY -- (to audience) Last week, this person crossed the street
to avoid talking to you. Now she suddenly wants to be your new
best friend. If you let her, she will gush like this for five or
ten more minutes until you melt like butter. When she finally
gets around to slapping your face, she's hoping you'll thank her
for it. (pushes button)

LIZ -- (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume,
with exaggerated friendly mannerisms)

AMY -- So, we'll just fast forward over the insincerity and get
right down to the bad news. (pushes button)

LIZ -- By the way, I saw your musical play the other night.

AMY -- Oh, really?

LIZ -- Yes, I was a drama major in college, you know.

AMY -- So you've said many times.

LIZ -- Yes, and I thought the second act was a little
under-rehearsed.

AMY -- Oh, really?

LIZ -- Yes, you know I played that part myself.

AMY -- Oh, really?

LIZ -- Yes, and I don't think you got in touch with the true
emotions of the role.

AMY -- (presses button)

LIZ -- (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume,
with exaggerated friendly mannerisms, turns, exits)

AMY -- We'll just fast-forward through the rest of it. This poor
person was ignored as a child. And even today she craves
attention by being the resident expert on everything. As such,
she has taken on the Christian ministry of criticizing others...
in a nice way. (to Liz) Bye bye. See you on Broadway! (to
audience) The Christian Communication Controller is also
particularly helpful for the second kind of insincere
communication. I call it the hustle. Watch.

LIZ -- (enters, approaches) Amy! I was just thinking about you!
I love that dress....

AMY -- (presses button)

LIZ -- (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume,
with exaggerated friendly mannerisms)

AMY -- Let's bypass the gushing and go right to the punch line.
That way you won't be swayed by emotions. (presses button)

LIZ -- Can I borrow your car tonight?

AMY -- (presses button)

LIZ -- (freezes)

AMY -- (to audience) The pause button on the communication
controller gives you valuable time to think through your answer
or even consult the Bible. And in this case, the BIble says that
Christians are NOT obligated to give to EVERYONE who asks for
something. The Bible only tells us to "look after orphans and
widows in their distress". Beyond that, giving is optional.
(presses button)

LIZ -- Well? Can I borrow your car? (smiling, hands on hips)

AMY -- (to Liz) Sure,... as soon as pigs can fly.

LIZ -- (exiting) But I thought we were best friends!

AMY -- (to audience) For our final demonstration of the
usefulness of the new Christian Communication Controller, we see
what is known as THE STEAM ROLLER. It's the person who won't let
you get a word in edgewise.

LIZ -- (enters quickly) Oh, there you are. I've been looking for
you since the Bible study. You know, you had it completely
wrong! You really should give up leading the Bible study and let
someone lead it who knows what they're talking about!

AMY -- (presses button)

LIZ -- (freezes)

AMY -- (to audience, points to Liz) The steam roller. No
subtlety at all. No deception. Just a frontal attack. And the
attack could get personal. (presses button)

LIZ -- (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume,
with exaggerated mannerisms)

AMY -- (presses button)

LIZ -- Uneducated.

AMY -- (presses button)

LIZ -- (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume,
with exaggerated mannerisms)

AMY -- (presses button)

LIZ -- Juvenile.

AMY -- (presses button)

LIZ -- (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume,
with exaggerated mannerisms)

AMY -- (presses button)

LIZ -- (freezes)

AMY -- (to audience) In such a case, you would be tempted to
fast-forward through the entire tirade. But as a Bible study
leader you're obligated to improve your skills of exegesis and
leadership. And it's possible that some of what she has to say
might help you to grow as a Christian. So, you should use the
Christian Communication Controller to sift through the tirade in
an effort to get something positive from this conversation.

AMY -- (presses button)

LIZ -- blind as a bat

AMY -- (presses button)

LIZ -- (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume,
with exaggerated mannerisms)

AMY -- (presses button)

LIZ -- moron

AMY -- (presses button)

LIZ -- (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume,
with exaggerated mannerisms)

AMY -- (presses button)

LIZ -- imbecile

AMY -- (presses button)

LIZ -- (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume,
with exaggerated mannerisms)

AMY -- (presses button)

LIZ -- (freezes)

AMY -- (to audience) No. I was wrong. This STEAM-ROLLER has
nothing positive to help me grow as a Christian. So, now let me
demonstrate the most useful feature of the Christian
Communication Controller: the ESCAPE button. (presses button)

LIZ -- (begins high-pitched, high-speed chatter, at low volume,
with exaggerated mannerisms talking to noone)

AMY -- (exits showing remote control) The revolutionary new
Christian Communication Controller. Coming soon to a Christian
book store near you. (stops, turns, presses button, exits)

LIZ -- (turns 360, shrugs, exits) Hey, where did she go? I
wasn't finished.

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it.
Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances.
You may reproduce and distribute this script freely,
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http://www.bobsnook.org  email: bob@bobsnook.org

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