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PLANK    3'?m3f Hypocrisy, the speck or plank in your eye

LIZ -- (enters carrying tablet and pen, crosses casually) What
time is the meeting?

AMY -- (enters carrying tablet and pen) It starts in two
minutes.

LIZ -- Have you met the new guy yet.

AMY -- Yes. The new GUY is a GIRL.

LIZ -- Well? What is she like?

AMY -- Well, I don't want to pass judgement.

LIZ -- Oh, no. Don't tell me we got another weirdo to work with.

AMY -- (stops, grabs Liz's arm, turns her away from Sue) Oh,
there she is now.

LIZ -- (looks over shoulder) Where?!

AMY -- (turns Liz away) Don't look. She's very self-conscious
about it.

LIZ -- Self-conscious?! (looks over shoulder) About what?

AMY -- (turns Liz away) Don't look. Try to avoid eye contact.
And whatever you do, don't mention the plank. (turns, pastes on
a fake smile) Susan!

SUE -- (enters opposite, carrying tablet and pen, with a 2x4 
plank protruding from her eye and from the back of her head)

LIZ -- Don't mention the what?

AMY -- (whispers) The PLANK.

SUE -- (turns, gasps)

AMY -- (whispers) You made eye contact. I told you not to make
eye contact. (turns, fakes smile) Susan, I'd like you to meet
Elizabeth. Elizabeth, this is Susan.

SUE -- (offers hand) Nice to meet you.

LIZ -- Wo! What happened?!

AMY -- (steps behind Sue, signals over Sue's shoulder with slash
to own throat)

SUE -- I'm sorry. I'm not sure what you mean.

AMY -- (steps behind Sue, signals over Sue's shoulder with slash
to own throat)

LIZ -- Your eye.

AMY -- (steps toward Liz, sings) Ix-nay on the ank-play.

SUE -- What about my eye?

AMY -- What Elizabeth is trying to say is that she's heard you
have a lot of experience to bring to the team. She thinks you
have a good eye for details, (nods with exaggeration) Isn't that
right, Elizabeth?

LIZ -- No. What I meant was how did you get that plank stuck in
your eye like that?

AMY -- (mumbles) Now you've done it.

SUE -- Is this some kind of joke?! I don't have a plank in my
eye. As a matter of fact, I was just going to ask you about the
speck (points, approaches Liz) in your eye. You know if you
don't have that looked at, it could get infected.

AMY -- (mumbles) You wouldn't listen.

LIZ -- "I" have a speck in "MY" eye?!

SUE -- Yes. I'm a person who takes eye health very seriously. As
my mother once said, "God only gave us one pair of eyes and you
have to take care of them." (reaches) Can I help you remove that
speck from your eye?

LIZ -- (backs away) I'm sorry, but I don't think I have anything
in my eye.

SUE -- It won't take but a minute. (approaches)

LIZ -- (retreats) No. That's okay.

SUE -- No, really. I insist. You know I'm somewhat of an expert
on Ophthalmology. Ophthalmology. That's the study of eye
diseases, you know. (approaches) Let me help you.

LIZ -- (retreats) It's alright. I'll get it later. Maybe after
the meeting.

AMY -- Speaking of the meeting. It's about to start. (points) We
should go in.

LIZ -- (ducks under Sue's hands, hurries past Sue) Good idea. 
(whispers to Amy) Why didn't you warn me about her?! (exits)

AMY -- I thought I did.

SUE -- (approaching) Did what?

AMY -- Nothing.

SUE -- Say, don't I see a speck in your eye there? (points,
approaches)

AMY -- (turns, exits) Ah, no. It's probably a reflection.

SUE -- (follows) A reflection... of what?

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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