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PHARISEE 4'?m2f Man looks at appearance, God looks at the heart

LIZ -- (enters wearing business suit, carrying briefcase,
crosses to C, looks at watch, paces)

AMY -- (enters opposite wearing shirt-sleeves and slacks,
carrying clipboard and small flashlight, inadvertently sneaks up
behind Liz) Hi.

LIZ -- (turns, screams) Don't hurt me! I'll give you my money!

AMY -- (raises flashlight, switches it on and off) Oh, this
isn't a gun. See? It's a flashlight.

LIZ -- Oh. So it is. Well, in this neighborhood, you can't be
too sure. So, you must be the health inspector.

AMY -- Yes. (offers business card)

LIZ -- Well, what do you think of my apartment building? Isn't
it beautiful?

AMY -- Beautiful isn't quite how I would describe it.

LIZ -- I had the exterior sandblasted and painted. I had the
broken windows replaced. I had the cracks in the front stairs
fixed. I had the weeds cut down, the trees trimmed and the lawn
mowed. I even had the sidewalks steam cleaned.

AMY -- So I noticed.

LIZ -- It's just like new! So, what do you say? Can you lift the
injunction? Can I start renting again?

AMY -- In a word: no.

LIZ -- No?!

AMY -- No.

LIZ -- What do you want from me?! I spent a fortune on repairs!

AMY -- I don't know how to tell you this, but only one of the
repairs you mentioned was listed on the injunction. That's the
broken windows. And I noticed that you only replace the broken
windows that were facing the street. The windows facing the back 
alley are still broken. Not one of the other repairs listed in 
the injunction have been done.

LIZ -- Oh. So, you've been inside the building?

AMY -- Obviously.

LIZ -- Bummer. I tell you what. I Promise I'll replace the
windows facing the back alley.

AMY -- I tell you what. If you move into apartment 2C and live
there for a month, I'll have the injunction lifted.

LIZ -- You've got to be kidding!

AMY -- No.

LIZ -- You want ME to live in (points) THERE?!

AMY -- Sure. Why not?

LIZ -- You know very well I have no intention of living in that
building!

AMY -- Why not?! (imitates) The place looks like new!

LIZ -- No way!

AMY -- What's you're problem? (reads clipboard) Is it the rat
infestation? Is it the roaches? The bed bugs? The mold? The
mildew? The improper drainage? The high radon levels? The rust
in the water supply? The broken furnace? The...

LIZ -- Alright! You've made your point. If you won't let me rent
the apartments, at least give me an extension so I can sell the
building.

AMY -- Who would buy a condemned building?!

LIZ -- Not everybody is as thorough as you are. And the building
looks like new on the outside.

AMY -- This is your approach to everything, isn't it?

LIZ -- I don't know what you mean.

AMY -- I mean, I've seen you in church.

LIZ -- You have? I don't remember seeing you in church.

AMY -- That's because you come late so everyone will see your
grand entrance. Everything is about exterior appearance with
you. But while man looks at the outside, God looks at the
inside.

LIZ -- I've read the Bible. I don't need a Bible lesson from a
health inspector!

AMY -- Well, in that case. Let's stick to the lesson you can
learn from this apartment building. You were warned once and you 
were warned again. Then, you were given final notice. And now 
this whitewashed tomb is going to be torn down. (offers slip of 
paper)

LIZ -- (reads) Torn down?!

AMY -- If this building is not demolished within sixty days, the
city will demolish it and bill you for the demolition.

LIZ -- What about all the money I spent making the place shiny
and new?!

AMY -- Too little and too late.

LIZ -- Alright. How much?

AMY -- Excuse me?

LIZ -- How much do you want?

AMY -- Are you offering me a bribe?

LIZ -- Let's not call it a bribe. Let's call it... an
investment.

AMY -- (exiting) Too little to late. I'll see you in church.

LIZ -- (follows) I suppose the next thing you're going to tell
me is that my tithes and offerings to the church were too little
and too late.

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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