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ORACLE   4'2m2f An oracle spews the meaning of life

FRED -- (security guard) Listen, Babs, I'm supposed to stay 
around until everybody leaves and lock up.

BABS -- (cleaning lady, hair wrapped in scarf) I know, Fred, but 
I still have the whole court room to clean up. I've got at least 
another hour of work to do here. You go on home. I can lock up.

FRED -- You're sure? I means it's no trouble for me to stay.

BABS -- Nah! You go home. It's no trouble at all.

FRED -- Well, okay, Babs. Thanks a lot. I'll just set the
latch on the door. You just pull it shut when you
leave, huh?

BABS -- Yeah, sure.

FRED -- Thanks, again, Babs. Good night.

BABS -- Good night, Fred. (rubs judge's bench with rag, notices 
black choir robe, looks both ways, slips into robe, pounds 
gavel) Order in the court. (giggles) Objection overruled. 
(giggles) Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... (giggles, picks up 
rags, resumes rubbing bench)

ROGER -- (Enters from audience rear, whispers) Charlotte! There 
she is.

CHAR -- (Enters, whispers) The Oracle? Where is she?

ROGER -- (whispers, points) Up there, behind the big wooden 
altar.

CHAR -- (whispers) But how do we know it's her, Roger?

ROGER -- (whispers) She's by the altar, Charlotte. Who else would 
be by the altar besides the Oracle?

CHAR -- (whispers) They said she'd be on a high place. And sure 
enough, there she is up by the altar. 

ROGER -- (whispers) Why do you suppose she's rubbing the altar like 
that, Charlotte?

CHAR -- (whispers) Maybe she's making some kind of incantation or 
spell or something.

ROGER -- (whispers) Do you think she'll talk to us, Charlotte?

CHAR -- (whispers) What if she turns us into frogs or something?

ROGER -- (whispers) We came all this way to ask her. I'm going 
to ask her.

CHAR -- (whispers) Not while she's doing her incantations, 
Roger.

BABS -- (quits polishing podium, leans)

ROGER -- (whispers) There. She must be done now. She looks 
tired. I'm going to ask her before she regains her strength. 
(shouts) Will you tell us the secret to success?

BABS -- Huh? (looks around) You talking to me?

CHAR -- (whispers) I told you, Roger, she won't talk to common 
folks.

ROGER -- Yes, Ms Oracle, we want to know the secret to success.

BABS -- Success?

CHAR -- (whispers) Roger, what if she turns us into lizards or 
something.

BABS -- You want to know the secret to success?

ROGER -- If it wouldn't be too much trouble, your Oracleness.

BABS -- Hard work.

ROGER -- That's it? Hard work? We took three airplanes and a bus 
all the way here and that's what we get, HARD WORK?

CHAR -- (whispers) Don't get her mad, Roger.

BABS -- Nose to the grind stone, shoulder to the wheel. Use a
little elbow grease.

ROGER -- Don't you have anything a little more spiritual?

CHAR -- (whispers) Roger!

ROGER -- Well, I know lots of people who work their fingers to
the bone and don't succeed. What else ya got?

BABS -- Soybean futures.

ROGER -- What?!

BABS -- Buy low, sell high. Buy term insurance and invest the
difference. Energy stocks are hot and so are no-load mutual
funds.

CHAR -- (whispers) Roger, do you think she misunderstood the 
question?

ROGER -- Do you have any advice for people who don't have a lot
of money?

BABS -- Minimize your inventory. Cut the dead wood out of your
payroll. Run lean and mean.

CHAR -- What do you have for people who are just getting
started?

BABS -- Dress for success. Act successful and you'll be
successful. A man is what he eats. A rolling stone
gathers no moss.

ROGER -- Yeah, yeah, I've heard that stuff a million times.

CHAR -- Roger!

ROGER -- Don't you have ANYTHING worth while?

CHAR -- Roger, she's going to turn you into a pillar of salt!

ROGER -- Shshshsh. Charlotte, she's picking up a big black book!

CHAR -- What is it, Roger?

ROGER -- I don't know, but I think we're finally going to get
what we came here for: the secret to success.

BABS -- (flips pages in Bible) Yup. Here it is. "Delight 
yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your 
heart."

ROGER -- (exiting) Now, that's more like it! Now I can go home a 
happy man.

CHAR -- (exiting) Wow! How did she do that?

BABS -- I know the author personally. (giggles, drops robes, 
exits)


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