NEWBORN  4'1m0f Monologue: parenthood, uniqueness, self-esteem

BOB -- (enters looks around, turns back toward exit) Excuse me.
They said the nursery was down this hallway. (backs away, points
over shoulder) Here? This next one? Thank you.

(crosses to C, speaks toward audience as if through glass) Oh,
here we are. Oh, oh. All the newborns all look alike. You can't
even tell the boys from the girls. Oh, I see, they have pink and
blue blankets. But that only eliminates about half of them. How
am I going to... Oh, there's a nurse. Maybe she can find him for

(waves vigorously) Hey. Hello. Over here. Yes. I need your help.
I can't find my.... she can't hear a word I'm saying.
(over-enunciates) I'm looking for a boy baby. My name is
Randall. Randall. Randall. Yeah. Oh, good, she understood me.
Yeah, there he is! My baby! MY baby. I made that! Isn't that
amazing? I did a really good job, didn't I?

(pause) Wait a minute. He doesn't look like me at all. (shouts,
enunciates) Are you sure you've got the right baby? Randall.
Randall. Oh, the name is on his wrist band. So, it is him. Okay,
he's young yet. He'll probably look like me when he grows up.

(pause) Oh, no! What am I saying!? This baby is going to grow
up! He can't do that! That wasn't part of the deal. I wanted a
baby. Not a child, certainly not a teenager! Oh, I can hear the
conversations now. I'll warn him time and time again about
mistakes I made when I was his age, but he'll go off and do the
same stupid things I did anyway. Maybe I should put him up for
adoption before my wife becomes attached to him. Oh, no, that
won't work. She's already attached to him.

So, I guess we're father and son, son. Alright, then, son, let's
practice. "Son, when I was your age, I did a lot of really
stupid things." (pause) No. That will never work. I can't admit
that I made mistakes. I'm his Dad. Dad's never make mistakes.
"Son, as you grow up, you'll probably do some really stupid
things. And I just want you to know that when you do, I'll never
let you forget it, just like my dad did with me. When we get
into arguments, I won't let you finish a sentence. I'll jump to
conclusions. I'll judge your motives, rather than your actions.
I'll expect you to conform to my expectations, rather than
encourage you to develop your own individuality. And, of course,
I'll expect you to meet my emotional needs, because, after all,
that's why people have children. By the time I'm finished with
you, you'll be a carbon copy of me." (nods proudly)

(pause) Wait a minute. Is that what God wants? A carbon copy of
me? I can see right now that being a dad is going to take way
too much thought. Maybe I should rethink the adoption option.
(deep breath) No. Look at him. He's MY baby!

(pause) Alright, Lord, you've given me this beautiful baby. What
do you want me to do with him? (pause) You can't be serious,
Lord! You want me to treat him like a seedling? A seedling? You
want me to treat my son like a vegetable? I don't understand.
What does that mean? Oh, I see. I should nurture him? And
cultivate him? And encourage him to grow? Yes, of course. That
makes sense, Lord. My job is to focus on HIS needs, not mine. A
farmer would never expect his seedlings to meet his emotional
needs. The seedlings are too busy growing to be aware of
anyone's needs.

And a farmer would never expect his seedlings to become a carbon
copy of himself. Afterall, he's a seedling, he'll grow up to
become whatever he becomes. If I force him to be something else,
I keep him from being all You created him to be, right, Lord?

(excited) That's it, Lord! That's it! My job is to tell him all
about his creator and that his creator has created him to be
unique in all the world. There will be noone else exactly like
him. Rather than encourage him to be a carbon copy of me, I
should help him discover his uniqueness. What a waste it would
be if there were two of me and none like him. Thanks, Lord.

Son, welcome to the world! I can hardly wait to nurture you and
watch you grow into all God has created you to be. And if
there's any time left over, I suppose your Mom can play with you
too. Sweet dreams, my beautiful baby boy!

(exiting) I'm a dad! I'm really a dad!
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