LAWSUIT  6'?m3f Salvation, trinity, deity of Jesus, cults

(scene: a courtroom or bare stage with podium)

JUDGE -- (enters wearing black robe, crosses to bench, pounds
gavel) This court will come to order. Our next civil suit is....
(reads, pauses) Am I reading this right? All non-Christian cults
versus the entire Christian church?

PLAINTIFF -- (enters, wearing business suit, carrying file
folder, crossing to Judge) That's right, Your Honor. For two
thousand years the Christian Church has perpetrated a fraud
against humanity and my clients, the non-Christian cults, intend
to put a stop to it.

JUDGE -- And whom do we have representing the entire Christian

KID -- (enters wearing pigtails and childish clothes) Brittany
Williams for the defense, Your Honor. But you can call me punky.

PLAINTIFF -- What is this, some kind of joke?

JUDGE -- What is this, some kind of joke?

KID -- Not at all, Your Honor. My dad was scheduled as defense
counsel and he said a child could defend the Christian position.
So, here I am!

PLAINTIFF -- Your Honor, this is obviously a ploy so that
Christians will have grounds for appeal on the grounds of
inadequate counsel.

JUDGE -- This IS highly unusual!

KID -- The court may rest assured, Your Honor. (removes paper
from folder, offers it to Judge) My client hereby waives its
right to subsequent appeal.

JUDGE -- (scans paper) So it says. Well, it looks like the
plaintiffs won't have to worry about an appeal, Counselor.

PLAINTIFF -- This is obviously a publicity stunt to garner
public opinion in the press.

JUDGE -- Is that true?

KID -- Not at all, Your Honor. My Dad merely wants to emphasize
that the Lord Always puts the goodies on the bottom shelf so
that everyone can reach them. If the church's arguments can't be
understood by children, we're doing something wrong.

JUDGE -- Very well. Proceed with your opening arguments,

PLAINTIFF -- Thank you, Your Honor. In light of defense
counsel's appeal to simple arguments, I to will put the goodies
on the bottom shelf so that everyone can reach them. My clients
have two basic arguments to support our allegations of fraud by 
the Christian Church:

The first is from the Bible itself, Ephesians 2:8 "For it is by
grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from
yourselves, it is the gift of God--"

JUDGE -- And how does that imply fraud by the Christian Church?

PLAINTIFF -- The Christian Church alleges that salvation is a
gift of God. If I tell you I'm giving you a gift of money, but I
take the money from someone else's wallet, that's not a gift,
it's theft.

JUDGE -- And how do you allege that God stole the gift of

PLAINTIFF -- That brings us to the second of our two basic
arguments: the gift spoken of in this passage is the death of
one person to pay for the sins of others. Now, if I'm God and I
say I love you so much that I'm willing to give a life to save
yours, on the surface that sounds like a really loving thing to
do... until you find out that the one who's giving the gift is
not the one doing the dying. How loving is that?! One could even
say that taking the life of another is murder!

JUDGE -- And now, Defense Counsel will present its opening
arguments. Punky?

KID -- Frankly, Your Honor, the Plaintiff's arguments are

PLAINTIFF -- Specious?!

KID -- That means they're lame.

PLAINTIFF -- I know what specious means!

JUDGE -- You'll have your chance at cross-examination later,

PLAINTIFF -- Sorry, Your Honor.

JUDGE -- Continue.

KID -- Thank you, Your Honor. I will admit that part of what the
plaintiff alleges is true.

PLAINTIFF -- It is?! I mean, of course it is!

JUDGE -- (raises gavel)

PLAINTIFF -- Sorry. Please continue.

KID -- If the gift of God is what the plaintiffs say it is, it
wouldn't be much of a gift. It's not terribly loving to give a
gift at someone else's expense, especially when the gift means
someone dies. At best, that gift could be considered as no gift
at all. At worst, if the person gave his life unwillingly, you
could call it murder.

PLAINTIFF -- (pumps hand, whispers) Yes! (regains composure as
Judge turns)

KID -- If I received a gift like that, I wouldn't feel loved at
all. I might even think that the gift wasn't good enough to
really pay for my sins. I would think that I would still have
some work to do to buy my own salvation as the non-Christian
cults believe.

PLAINTIFF -- Your Honor, in light of Defense Counsel's
admissions, I move for summary judgement.

JUDGE -- I don't think Defense Counsel is finished with her
opening arguments.


JUDGE -- Motion Denied. Please continue.

KID -- My client, the Christian Church argues that it was God
himself who died for the sins of the people. And there is no
greater gift, no greater love than to lay down one's own life
for his friends. (pulls several papers from folder, offers to
Judge) To wit, we hereby submit Defense Exhibit A: a sworn
statement by the Prophet Isaiah who quotes God as calling
himself the savior. And Exhibit B, a sworn statement from Jude, 
a writer of the New Testament makes the same claim. Both 
exhibits state unequivocally that there is no savior but God 

PLAINTIFF -- (reaches) Let me see that! That can't be!

KID -- We also submit Defense Exhibit C, a sworn statement by
Apostle Paul that states unequivocally that Jesus is God, the
Creator of the Universe.

PLAINTIFF -- That can't be!

KID -- We also submit Defense Exhibit D, a sworn statement by
Apostle Peter that states unequivocally that Jesus is God over

JUDGE -- Rebuttal, Counselor?

PLAINTIFF -- (scans papers) Well, there it is in black and
white! How could my clients have missed this! This is
impossible! My clients allege that Jesus was an angel, perhaps
an archangel or the spirit brother of Satan himself.

KID -- Can the plaintiffs submit exhibits from the Bible
supporting such a notion? Clear, unequivocal scriptures that you
find on the bottom shelf?

PLAINTIFF -- Well, no.

KID -- Your Honor, as the defense exhibits clearly show, the
life given for the sins of others was indeed the life of the
giver himself, and therefore a true gift of love. I rest my

JUDGE -- Is there any evidence from Plaintiff Counsel?

PLAINTIFF -- Well, no. But they sounded so convincing. They're
such nice people.

JUDGE -- Very well, noting a distinct lack of evidence for
plaintiffs position and a preponderance of evidence for the
contrary, I hereby find for the defense. This case is dismissed.

PLAINTIFF -- (exiting with Kid) Hey, kid, you did pretty good
for your first day in court.

KID -- It was Kid's stuff.

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