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LASTMAN  5'2m0f End times: the last man to hear gospel

ED --   (enters, crosses to DC, holds cell phone to ear) Yeah, 
hi. (points to opposite exit) I followed him to a 7-11 store. 
I'll try to tell him when he comes out. Oh, here he comes now. 
(pockets the cell phone)

FRED -- (enters opposite, carrying grocery bag, crosses by Ed)

ED --   Hi, you're Fred Flaherty, aren't you?

FRED -- (stops) You a bill collector?

ED --   No.

FRED -- Then I'm him. What do you want?

ED --   I need to tell you the good news about Jesus.

FRED -- (continues to exit) Sorry, I'm busy. 

ED --   (steps in front of him) Well, this is pretty important.

FRED -- (turns, walks away) I don't care. I don't want to hear 
it. 

ED --   (walks along side) Well, we're all pretty anxious to get 
this over with.

FRED -- (changes direction) I think I know what you're talking 
about and I don't want to hear it. 

ED --   (catches up to him) But, why? This is really good news. 

FRED -- (stops) Look, why are you picking on me? Why don't you 
find someone else to share your really good news with? 

ED --   Because you're the last one. 

FRED -- The last what? 

ED --   According to our computer, you are now the only one left 
in the entire world who hasn't heard the good news of Jesus.

FRED -- You're kidding. 

ED --   No. I'm glad to say that, thanks to radio, television, 
movies, and old fashioned missionaries, the gospel of Jesus has 
been heard around the world. Everybody on earth has had a chance 
to make a decision, except you.... 

FRED -- (puts down bag, covers ears with hand) I don't want to 
hear it. Go away. 

ED --   Listen, I'll just give you the short version: it won't 
take but 5 minutes. Then we can all go home and see the Lord 
face to face. 

FRED -- I told you, I don't want to hear it. I'm doing just fine 
the way I am. Go away. (turns away)

ED --   (walks around him) I don't understand. I have news that 
could give you eternal life. Please take your hands off your 
ears. 

FRED -- I'm not listening. (closes eyes, sings) La la la la la 
la la la la la la. 

ED --   (walks behind Fred)

FRED -- (stops singing, looks around, not seeing Ed, picks up 
bag, turns, walks into Ed) Eeeaaah!

ED --   This is really good news. You really ought to hear it.

FRED -- You said as soon as I hear the good news it's over, 
right?

ED --   Right, but.... 

FRED -- Then, kiss off. I don't want to hear it.  (puts bag, 
down, covers ears, sings) La la la la la la la la la la la. 

ED --   (paces in front of Fred, deliberating, stops, points 
down at bag) What's in the bag? 

FRED -- (stops singing, uncovers ears) What? 

ED --   I asked, what's in the bag? 

FRED -- (quickly picks up bag, walks away) None of your 
business. 

ED --   (walks along side) But,...

FRED -- Why can't you just leave me alone? 

ED --   I'm sorry. I'm not normally this aggressive about 
sharing the gospel. But, you are standing in the way of billions 
of people going to paradise with the Lord of the universe and I 
want to know why. Now, what's in the bag? 

FRED -- Ah, it's not my bag. 

ED --   Then, why are you clutching it so tightly?

FRED -- Well, what I mean is, I found this bag laying on the 
sidewalk, so I picked it up. 

ED --   I saw you go into this 7-11 store empty-handed and come 
out with this bag in your hands. You put it down to cover your 
ears. Now, please, just tell me what's so important in your bag 
that you would keep us all waiting. 

FRED -- Ah, it's a prescription... for my... invalid 
grandmother. Yeah, that's it. Her health is way more important 
to me right now than paradise. So, if you'll excuse me, now. I 
have to run to the hospital with this medicine. (walks)

ED --   Nice try. 

FRED -- (stops) Nursing home. I said hospital. I meant nursing 
home.

ED --   Nice try. 

FRED -- What. 

ED --   They don't sell prescriptions in 7-11 stores. 

FRED -- No, but they do sell... candy. I came here from the drug 
store to buy candy for my sick mother. 

ED --   Nice try. 

FRED -- What. 

ED --   You said it was your GRANDmother in the nursing home.

FRED -- (turns, walks away) I gotta go. 

ED --   (walks along side) Please, just let me look in your bag 
and see why billions of people have to wait... (peeks into the 
bag) Well look at that.... a six pack of beer and a playboy 
magazine. 

FRED -- Ooops! I must have switched bags with someone in the 
store. (walks toward 7-11)

ED --   Nice try. 

FRED -- (stops) What.

ED --   The store is empty. You were the only customer in there.

FRED -- Alright! If you must know, I just spent my last ten 
bucks on a six pack of beer and a Playboy magazine, and I don't 
want to go anywhere until I've had my money's worth. 

ED --   So, that's it? 

FRED -- Come back see me tomorrow. The beer will be gone and 
I'll be finished with the magazine. 

ED --   You'd make billions of Christians wait for Heaven 
because of beer and a magazine?

FRED -- You really mean it? 

ED --   Mean what?

FRED -- Everybody is waiting for me?

ED --   I guess you might say that. The Lord said that once the 
good news is preached to everyone around the world....

FRED -- ....I've never had this much power before. (swaggers) 
Hey, I might even take TWO days to finish the beer. Maybe I'll 
just read one page of the magazine per day. (turns, strolls 
slowly away, cocky)

ED --   (follows) You would really do that? 

FRED -- (they stop at exit opposite 7-11) It's only Heaven. 
Heaven can wait.

ED --   It's not ONLY Heaven. We're waiting for Jesus too. You 
know who Jesus is, don't you? He is the son of God who came to 
earth to die for our sins and he rose from the dead to give us 
eternal life. And if you put your trust in him, you can go with 
us to see him.

(trumpets fanfare) 

FRED -- What was that? 

ED --   That's it. I told you the gospel. And now Jesus will 
come to get his people and take us up to Heaven with him. 

FRED -- Oh, man! I didn't even get to finish one beer yet!

ED --   You'd better hurry and decide. 

FRED -- Decide? Decide what? 

ED --   You need to decide whether you want to accept Jesus' 
gift of forgiveness of your sins. Because in a moment it will be 
decided for you. What'll it be: Jesus or beer and Playboy? 
(slips out exit immediately after Fred turns)

FRED -- (turns) Oh, man, that was my last ten bucks! (starts 
back to 7-11) Maybe I can return the beer and get my money.... 
(turns back) Say, do they need money in Heaven... Where'd he go? 
Where did EVERYbody go? (backs out exit, fearfully looking 
around) Oh, oh.


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