HOLDEM   5'?m2f Salvation, works, grace, mercy

(both demons wear all black)

NEW -- (enters carrying slip of paper, crosses, exits opposite,
reenters backward looking around, reads paper, shrugs, turns)
Ah, Boss, I.... (points over shoulder)

OLD -- (enters opposite, crosses) You ready for your training

NEW -- Ah, yeah, Boss, but I think you got the address wrong.

OLD -- Nope. That's it. (points)

NEW -- But that's a casino.

OLD -- That's right.

NEW -- All they're doing in there is playing poker.

OLD -- Texas holdem to be precise.

NEW -- You're not saying that I'm here to learn how to play
poker, are you?

OLD -- Actually, I don't care if you learn to play poker or not.

NEW -- Then, what am I doing here?

OLD -- You're learning the strategy of a successful demon.

NEW -- From playing poker?

OLD -- You're not here to PLAY poker. You're here to learn the
strategy of poker.

NEW -- I don't get the connection. What does poker have to do
with being a successful demon?

OLD -- The strategy of a successful poker player is identical to
the strategy of a successful demon.

NEW -- You've got to be kidding.

OLD -- (offers New a wad of money) Here, take this and sit at
table three for two hours, then meet me back here.

NEW -- (takes money, turns) Well, okay, but... but (turns) Say,
what if I lose?

OLD -- Don't worry about the money. Your job is to learn the
strategy of demons. Go. (points)

NEW -- (turns) Well, okay. (exits) I'll see you in two hours.

(optional light cue: dim to dark, short pause, dim up full)

NEW -- (reenters smiling broadly with full money bag)

OLD -- Well, how did you do?

NEW -- How did I do?! Look at this! I won! I won big!

OLD -- What did you learn?

NEW -- Well, the first thing I learned is how incredibly lucky I
am. I had great cards!

OLD -- I don't want to burst your bubble, but you WERE sitting
at table three, weren't you?

NEW -- Well, sure, but....

OLD -- But what?

NEW -- (pauses) Are you saying the dealer was one of us?

OLD -- It cuts down the odds considerably, don't you think?

NEW -- So, what your saying is that I'm not all that good at
Texas Holdem?

OLD -- Let's just say that you don't have to be good when the
cards are on your side.

NEW -- You know, I wasn't the only one at the table with good
cards. The other players had good cards too.

OLD -- Of course, they were at table three.

NEW -- You mean the dealer gave them good cards too?!

OLD -- Of course. That's why you won so big.

NEW -- How does it follow that I won big because my opponents
had good cards?

OLD -- Look. You're a demon. A demon's job is to keep people out
of Heaven. Right?

NEW -- Right.

OLD -- And when all is said and done, everybody on earth wants
to go to Heaven. Right?

NEW -- Right.

OLD -- Heaven in poker terms is like winning a big pot. Tell me,
how did you win your biggest pots?

NEW -- By going all in.

OLD -- Exactly. It's the same with sinners trying to get to

NEW -- You get them to go... ALL IN!

OLD -- Now you're thinking like a demon!

NEW -- Thanks.

OLD -- Did you ever, get anyone at the table to go all in while
he was holding a seven-deuce off-suit?

NEW -- No! That's the worst hand! (pauses) Oh, I see what you're
saying! You're saying we have to give the sinners on earth good
enough cards that they won't hesitate to go all in. And if they

OLD -- ...They'll be ours forever.

NEW -- Well, I think I've got the strategy. But how do we
translate poker strategy into something that will give the
sinners enough false confidence to go ALL IN?

OLD -- You have to get them to forget about the Ace. (points up)

NEW -- You mean Jesus?

OLD -- Now, how are you going to get them to forget about him if
you keep mentioning his name!?

NEW -- Sorry, Boss. But if... the Ace is what wins the pot, how
do you get them to go ALL IN?

OLD -- The answer is WORKS.

NEW -- Works?

OLD -- Yes. Both poker players and sinners like to be in control
of their own destiny. All you have to do is give them a false
sense of security that their eternal future is in their own
hands. Make them think they can't lose.

NEW -- How do I do that?

OLD -- Keep them talking about how good they are compared to
others, compared to the average person.

NEW -- (imitates) You're a good person. You're one of the nicest
people I know. How can God keep such a nice person out of

OLD -- ALL IN! (laughs)

NEW -- You've been baptized. You'll go to Heaven for sure!

OLD -- ALL IN! (laughs)

NEW -- You've taken communion. Heaven is yours for the taking!


NEW -- You keep the sabbath. Go straight to Heaven.


NEW -- You're a member of the only true church. You belong in


NEW -- (turns, crosses) And when they go to cash in, Saint Peter
will meet them at the pearly gates and ask them about... about
you-know-who. And the sinners will say. What difference does HE
make? I went ALL IN with my good works. (laughs)

OLD -- (follows)  ALL IN with the second best hand! (laughs)

BOTH -- You lose! (laugh, exit)

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it.
Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances.
You may reproduce and distribute this script freely,
but all copies must contain this copyright statement.  email: