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HERETIC  7'2m?f Cults, heresy, quoting the Bible out of context

(both characters dress in all-black clothing)

BOSS -- (enters rubbing hands together) Oh, boy, this is going
to be a really good day! I can feel it.

NEWBY -- (enters opposite poking a PDA with a stylus) Well, this
is different.

BOSS -- What's that you say?

NEWBY -- (points to PDA) According to my records here, this is
the first time since I started DEMON training that you have been
on time, Boss.

BOSS -- That's because this day is special. Probey, today is
your lucky day!

NEWBY -- My lucky day?

BOSS -- Yes.

NEWBY -- What's so lucky about today?

BOSS -- It is rare indeed that we demons have an opportunity to
witness history in the making.

NEWBY -- What history?

BOSS -- Probey, you are about to witness the start of a new
cult! Isn't that great?!

NEWBY -- What's so great about a new cult?

BOSS -- (sighs) Probey, when someone breaks away from the
Christian church and starts a new cult, he usually brings other
Christians with him.

NEWBY -- And that's good?

BOSS -- Probey, our job is to render the Christian church
ineffective. And what better way is there to do that than to
draw people AWAY from the church?

NEWBY -- Oh. Sure. I get it. The  fewer people there are left in
the church the less effective they'll be.

BOSS -- Isn't that what I just said?!

NEWBY -- Oh, sure. So, where do we start, Boss?

BOSS -- Well, there's a guy in the church who thinks he's a real
Christian and last night he thinks he had a vision from God.

NEWBY -- And what was the vision?

BOSS -- I don't know and I don't care.

NEWBY -- You don't care?

BOSS -- No. It doesn't matter.

NEWBY -- I don't get it. What if the "VISION" was just a bad
dream caused by bad pizza?

BOSS -- All the better! The more ridiculous the better. Some
people will believe ANYTHING if you tell them the vision came
from God.

NEWBY -- But what if the vision really was from God?

BOSS -- Very rare. All the best cults in the world were started
by some shlub who had a "VISION" from God. (excited) And
MILLIONS of people have been drawn away from the REAL church to
join the cults! You see, probey, cults are one of our greatest
weapons for dismantling the church!

NEWBY -- Then where do WE come in?

BOSS -- Well, a newly developing cult is at its most vulnerable
at its very start because that's when those do-gooder Christians
try to nip it in the bud.

NEWBY -- Oh, I get it. Our job is to make sure the do-gooders
have a little accident or an untimely death, aye?

BOSS -- (sighs, to self) Why do they always give ME the
numskulls to train? Probey, we demons don't kill or maim
Christians who oppose us! That would make them into martyrs!

NEWBY -- Oh. Sure. Then, how do we help the vision guy start his
cult, Boss?

BOSS -- We give him the tools he needs to defend himself from
the attack of the do-gooders.

NEWBY -- Oh. Sure. What tools?

BOSS -- The Bible.

NEWBY -- The Bible?!

BOSS -- Yes, you brought a Bible with you, didn't you?

NEWBY -- Uh, no.

BOSS -- No?! You didn't bring a Bible?!

NEWBY -- No. When you told me to bring a Bible, I thought you
were kidding.

BOSS -- Oh, brother!

NEWBY -- You weren't kidding?

BOSS -- No. The Bible is one of our most effective weapons
against the do-gooders.

NEWBY -- Ah, I don't get it. Apostle Paul called the Bible the
SWORD of the Spirit for the DEFENSE of the church.

BOSS -- Not the way WE use it, Probey!

NEWBY -- How do WE use it?

BOSS -- We fight dirty! (laughs fiendishly)

NEWBY -- Listen, Boss, I... I'm sorry I left the Bible back at
the office. But I can download the Bible from the internet.
(points to PDA, pokes) There. (points, reads) Select King James
Version, Revised Standard Version, New International Version,
New American Standard Bible...

BOSS -- Doesn't matter!

NEWBY -- Oh. Why not?

BOSS -- When you spout scripture at do-gooder Christians -- any
scripture -- they scatter like cockroaches.

NEWBY -- That doesn't sound right.

BOSS -- You'll get the hang of it. Now, as soon as this guy
tells the Christians about his vision, the do-gooders will
invariably question whether this vision is really from God. They
usually quote scripture to show him that his vision is
inconsistent with the rest of Bible teaching and that God would
never tell some Christians one thing and other Christians the
exact opposite.

NEWBY -- There's no weapon against that.

BOSS -- Second Thessalonians 2:2 "Do not become easily unsettled
or alarmed by some prophecy".

NEWBY -- Hey, that's a good one! (imitates) "Hey, buddy, it
ain't Christian to be easily unsettled."

BOSS -- Now, if the do-gooders are claiming that this guy's
vision is not from God, we quote Second Peter 1:21 "For prophecy
never had its origin in the will of man, but men spoke from God
as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit."

NEWBY -- (imitates) Hey, dufus, you ain't fightin' against me,
you're fightin' against the Holy Spirit. (laughs)

BOSS -- Revelation 22:19 "And if anyone takes words away from
this book of prophecy, God will take away from him his share in
the tree of life."

NEWBY -- (imitates) "Disagree with me and you lose your
salvation, buddy!" (laughs)

BOSS -- If all the do-gooders haven't scattered like cockroaches
by now, you hit them with First Thessalonians 5:19: "Do not put
out the Spirit's fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt."

NEWBY -- (imitates) "Kill-joy! Wet blanket!" (laughs, pokes PDA)
Say, wait a minute boss.

BOSS -- What's the matter?

NEWBY -- The very next verse, First Thessalonians 5:21 tells the
Christians to TEST EVERYTHING. Doesn't that mean the Christians
are SUPPOSED to question this guy's vision?

BOSS -- (grabs PDA) Give me that thing! See, that's why I wanted
you to bring the Bible instead of this... thing. It's harder to
look things up in the Bible. And if the do-gooders can't look
things up, they'll never know the guy is quoting the Bible out
of context.

NEWBY -- You mean all them other Bible verses is quoted out of
context too, Boss?

BOSS -- How do you think we started all them cults so far,
probey?! (laughs)

NEWBY -- Oh. Sure.

BOSS -- (exiting with Newby) See, probey, that's how you use the
Bible as a club instead of a sword.

NEWBY -- (laughs) Imagine that! A new cult is born and WE
protect it with the Bible. (laughs)

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