HEARING  5'?m1f Monologue: Spiritual warfare, God's voice

(optional sound cue: loud applause)

DEMON -- (enters wearing black, carrying trophy, crosses to
podium) Thank you. (raises trophy) Thank you.

(optional sound cue: applause fades)

Thank you. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the
academy of demons and fallen angels for recognizing my
contribution to the fight against the will of God on earth. The 
fact is I feel more lucky than anything else. I almost feel like 
I should return this DEMON OF THE YEAR award, since I got my 
inspiration completely by accident.

(hugs trophy to chest)

But now that I have the award, there is no way I'm giving it
back! (laughs fiendishly)

Before I go, the academy asked me to share with you the idea
that made me so successful in keeping the Christians in my
assigned church useless to God.

We demons have known for centuries that the best way to keep
Christians from being useful to God is to keep them away from
the sword of the spirit which is the word of God. We have tried
every conceivable catastrophe to divert their attention away
from the Bible. We tried floods, famines, earthquakes, plagues,
wars, hail storms.... everything you could think of. But these
catastrophes always had the opposite effect on Christians: as
soon as they suffer, Christians turn to God. The first thing
they do is pray, the second thing they do is open their Bibles.

So, I wracked my brain. How do we keep Christians from opening
their Bibles? And do you know where I got my inspiration? I went
to the museum! That's right. I went to the Museum of Demon
History. I found out what worked in the past, BEFORE the
Christian era, BEFORE Jesus messed things up for us with is
flashy crucifixion and resurrection! And there they were...
(points) display case after display case of... IDOLS! Yes, I
said IDOLS.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that
Christians can't be fooled by idols like they were in the good
old days. But I asked myself, why were all those idols so
successful? The answer is simple. Idols were successful because
they were IMITATIONS of the real thing. Let me repeat that.
Idols were successful because they were IMITATIONS of the real

Now, I asked myself, if I want Christians to stop reading their
Bibles, what imitation can I foist on those unsuspecting
Christians? The answer is Hearing the Voice of God.

Now, before you get all riled up. I'll answer your biggest
objection. Your biggest objection is that there are some people
in the world who actually HEAR the voice of God. We call them
PROPHETS. But, fellow demons, that's precisely why this scam
works so well. Because there are a few legitimate prophets in
the world, hearing the voice of God sounds like a legitimate
pursuit for dedicated Christians. What they forget is that for
most Christians who do not have the gift of prophecy, they'll
never hear the voice of God. That's the beauty of the scam.
These poor suckers are going to spend the rest of their lives
pursuing the voice of God!

They're going to buy books on the subject. They're going to go
to seminars on the subject, they're going to have conventions,
have lectures, guest speakers. Soon, it becomes a fad, the fad
becomes the rage, soon people are spending all their waking
hours trying to hear the voice of God and they won't have time
left to read the Bible. In fact, because they're told they can
hear God's will directly from the lips of God himself, they are
discouraged from reading the Bible.

Fellow demons, this is BETTER than idol worship! The imitation
looks BETTER than the Bible itself! Once the fad gets rolling,
people who can't develop the ability to hear God's voice will
either have to risk shame for failure, or they'll fake it OR, 
best of all, they start interpreting their own feelings as the 
voice of God. And as you demons know, once we get Christians 
thinking they're hearing directly from God, they no longer think 
they have to validate what they hear against the Bible, even if 
what they hear directly contradicts the Bible.

(laughs fiendishly)

Here's the bottom line, fellow demons. There is not a single
verse in the Bible that tells Christians to develop their
abilities to hear God's voice. But because this fad keeps them
away from the Bible, they never find out! It's a
self-perpetuating myth!

Fellow demons, this is the scam of the millennium. If you get 
the Christians in your assigned churches to glom onto this fad, 
you can spend your winters in Hawaii. In fact, that's where I'm
going now.


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