BACK

HALFPAGE 9'?m?f Dozens of half-page scripts, some secular

SALVATION BY PHONE

Hi, and welcome to the salvation hotline. Will you take Jesus
for your savior? 

If your answer is YES, press one.

If your answer is NO, press two.



STARFISH

a -- (Bends over, pick up and throws a starfish into the
audience with both hands and a grunt)

b --  (Enters, notices kid throwing the starfish)
What are you doing, young fella?

a -- (Picks up another starfish) There was a storm last night 
that washed up all these starfish onto the beach. I'm throwing 
them back and saving their lives.

b -- (Looks both ways, laughs)
Kid, there's thousands... maybe millions of starfish on
this beach. What possible difference can one little boy make
with all these starfish.

a -- (Throws the starfish into the audience)
I can make a difference to this one.


DIRECTIONS

a -- Excuse me.

b --  Yes?

a --  How do I get to Carnegie Hall?

b -- Practice, practice, practice.



THE VIPER IS COMING

a --  My king! My King! The viper is coming. The viper is coming!

b -- (awakens) Huh? What? I never layed a hand on her. There's 
not a shred of proof.

a --  My king! My King! The viper is coming. The viper is coming!

b --  The what?

a --  The viper! The viper is coming. The viper is coming!

b --  Leave me. Find out how far is off this...this...

a --  Viper. Yes, my lord. Your humble servant, my lord.

b -- Be gone, then! Sergeant at Arms! Sergeant at arms! Where
is that infernal Sergeant at Arms when the viper draws
near.

a -- My king! My King! The viper is coming. The viper is
coming! and he's here!

c --  Ya, ya, I am da viper. Vot do you vont me to vipe up?


                                                            
GOOD DEAL

a -- (enters wearing six watches on his forearm)

b -- (enters walks by A)

A -- Pssst. Hey, buddy, wanna buy a watch?

b --  No, thanks.

a --  My father's genuine Rollex.

b --  Yeah, right.

a --  Just twenty bucks.

b --  A Rollex for twenty bucks?

a --  Okay, fifteen.

b --  I don't have fifteen dollars.

a --  Ten, then.

b --  Five.

a --  I might part with my grandpa's genuine Bulova for five.



TESTIFY

a -- Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth?

b --  Yeah, okay.

a --  Where were you on the evening of June twelveth?

b --  Ah, I was out of town. Yeah, that's it. Out of town.

a -- Then, how do you explain your fingerprints on the murder
weapon?

b --  Ah, I was framed. Yeah, that's it, I was framed.

a --  And the eyewitness placing you at the scene of the crime?

b -- Obviously, a case of mistaken identity, which the stool
pigeon will regret for the rest of his endangered life.

a --  Then, you deny culpability?

b --  I don't know about that, but I didn't do it.



GOLFERS

a --  Fore!

b --  Nice shot! Right down the middle of the fairway.

a --  I love this game!

b --  Oh, look, over on the highway, a hearse.

a --  It's a funeral procession.

b --  Oh, yeah. There must be thirty cars with their lights on.

a --  Take off you hat and be quiet for a minute.

b --  Harry. I'm touched. Why are you bowing your head?

a -- It's the least I can do. We were married for eighteen
years.



SURGERY
a --  Scalpel.

b --  Scalpel.

a --  Bone saw.

b --  Bone saw. We're losing him, doctor.

a --  No! Stay with me. Scalpel.

b --  Scalpel.

a --  Hemostat.

b --  Hemostat. He's gone, doctor.

a --  No! We can't quit. Retractor

b --  Retractor. It's no use, doctor.

a --  You're right. We'll just have to put up an OUTDOOR antenna.



NOAH

a --  Noah. Noah. Where are you?

b --  I'm up here on the poop deck, my wife.

a --  Oh, there you are. Noah, did you know that there are 
animals in our state room.

b --  There are animals in all the rooms, my wife.

a --  And it's raining. What fun is a cruise when it's raining 
all the time?

b --  Be patient, my wife. It won't last.

a --  And all we eat is yak meat. Is that all we can do is yak?

b --  That's all some of us do.

a --  And that smell! What is that smell?

b --  This is the poop deck, my wife.



STANDOFF

a -- Alright, Bugsy, we know you're in there. Throw out your
weapons and come out with your hands up.

b --  You're not taking me alive, copper!

a --  Don't do anything hasty. Nobody has to get hurt.

b -- You meet my demands or the hostage gets it.

a --  Sure, Bugsy, just be calm. What do you want?

b -- A million dollars in small bills, a helicopter.

a -- Look, Bugsy, be reasonable.

b --  Okay, the hostage gets it.

a -- Alright, Bugsy, you've given us no choice. We're going to
set up a P.A. system and play Barry Manilow at full volume.

b --  Alright! I give up!



JUMPING

a --  It's a great morning for bunji jumping, isn't it?

b --  Yeah, swell.

a --  What can beat the rush of free falling at 80 miles per hour?

b --  You mean, I'll fall at 80 miles per hour?

a -- Yeah, ain't it great? Then when you hit the end of the
cord, you snap back with a five "G" force.

b --  A five "G" force? I just had breakfast!

a --  Then, you bob up and down upside-down like a yo-yo.

b --  Like a yo-yo. Upside-down. I have something to say.

a --  Good. Say it on the way down. Ummm.

b --  (falling) I changed my mind.



BORROW

a --  Hi, neighbor.

b --  You again.

a --  Yeah, I need to borrow your soldering iron.

b --  Why not? You've borrowed everything else I own.

a --  Didn't I always bring them back?

b --  What about pipe wrench?

a --  Oh, that.

b --  Yeah, that.

a --  Oh, I left it up in the attic, when it got dark up there.

b --  So, when will you bring it back?

a --  As soon as I borrow your flashlight.



HOT NEWS

a --  Sweetheart, don't panic, but I need to tell you....

b --  If this is about chipping my LaMoje China, I already know.

a --  No, it's not about that. I need to tell you....

b --  But you did chip it, didn't you?

a --  Yes, but this....

b --  And you weren't even going to tell me about chipping my
prized china, were you?

a --  Yes, no...I... Your....

b --  If I hadn't brought it up, you would have never confessed. 
Not in a million years, would you? 

a --  Yes. Right after I tell you that your hair is on fire. 



OPERATOR

a --  Consolidated International, good morning.

b -- Yes, I have an urgent message for Andy Johnson, please
don't put me on hold.

a --  One moment, please.

b --  No, please, don't put me on hold. Operator. Hello? Hello?

a --  Mr Johnson is on another line, would you care to hold?

b --  No, could you break in on the....Hello? Operator?

a --  Mr Johnson's line is clear now. I'll connect you. Oh, I'm
sorry, Mr Johnson is away from his phone. I'll just page
him. One moment please.

b --  No, just leave him an urgent message. Hello? Hello?

a --  I'm sorry, Mr Johnson apparently has left the building.

b --  Okay, just give me his beeper number.....Hello? She hung up.



PINCHED

a --  Hello, officer.

b --  What's your hurry?

a --  Hurry? I'm not in a hurry.

b --  Do you have any idea how fast you were going?

a --  My cruise control was set on 55.

b --  I had you clocked at 73.

a --  That's not possible. A bicycle passed me.

b --  Right.

a --  No, really. My car shimmies when I go faster than sixty.
It wasn't shimmying at all. Your radar must be broken.

b --  Right. Sign here.

a --  Okay. Ha, ha. The joke's on you. I was going 76.



ON THE EDGE

a -- Hey, you! What are you doing on the ledge outside my
window? Are you trying to break into my apartment?

b --  No. I live right next door here.

a --  Oh, you're the new tenant in 1103.

b --  Yes.

a --  Then, what are you doing outside on the ledge.

b --  I'm going to jump.

a --  Oh, don't do that. We're eleven stories up. You could
hurt yourself.

b --  Yeah, that's the idea. Goodbye.

a --  No!! Wait!! There must be something I can do to stop you
from jumping.

b --  There is. Turn off the Barry Manilow CD.



RAISE

a --  Hi, boss.

b --  Oh, it's you.

a --  Yeah, listen boss, I was thinking it was time I got a raise.

b --  A raise!?

a --  Yeah, is there any reason I shouldn't get a raise?

b --  You don't remember erasing the hard disk on the computer?

a --  Well, anyone can make a mistake.

b --  You don't remember dropping a box of paper clips into the
copy machine and cremating it?

b --  Then, what you're saying is: I don't get a raise.

a --  You have no redeeming qualities. Why don't I just fire you?

b --  I don't know. What do you want for dinner tonight, Honey?



PHONE

a --  Hello.

b --  Hi, it's me. I'm just calling to say I'm sorry. You angry?

a --  No, I could never stay angry with you.

b --  I'm so glad. I could never find another one like you.

a --  Me either. You're so fun to be with.

b --  We always have a good time together.

a --  You're the only one I've ever loved.

b --  You're the only one I've ever loved.

a --  I want to kiss and make up.

b -- Meet me at the Gazebo in Lake View Park. We'll kiss and
make up while the sun sets, just like we did last time.

a --  I've never kissed anyone in that Gazebo, you slime ball!



SHADY

a --  Hello.

b --  Hello. 

a --  I'm listening.

b --  I got something you want.

a --  I got the money.

b --  How do I know you won't cross me?

a -- Have I ever crossed you? Okay, don't answer that. This
time I'm straight, see. Meet behind me Mario's in an
hour.

b --  Come alone. If I even see Angelo's shadow, you're dust.

a --  Angelo? Tony, who's this Angelo?

b --  Tony? Who's Tony?

a --  This ain't Joey?



DRIVER

a -- It sure took you long enough! Come on, get in, we're
already late.

I can't believe you're wearing THAT! Didn't you have something
else to wear? Nevermind. Just shut up and listen to the radio.
I don't even want to hear your excuses.

Aw, this stop light! The guy who engineered this stop 
light was nuts. I never make this light!

Come on, fella, let's go. The light is green! What's the
matter? You blind or something. Move it! Move it!

Oh, nice turn signal, buddy! Did you see that? What a jerk!
I hope you find out who your father was, buddy!

Hey, fella, the speed limit is forty five on this road! Get 
moving! Look at that jerk! He's not even going forty. Come on, 
fella, get a move on!

Aw, look the parking lot is full already! I'll have to drop
you off here. Have a good time in Sunday School, Honey.


ROBIN HOOD

a -- Alright, all of the passengers step out of the coach and 
hand over your valuables.

b --  Young man, you can't rob me. Do you know who I am?

a -- Yes, your grace. Now, please turn over you valuables
or you'll taste the cold steel of my blade.

b -- I'll have your head for this, you rounder! You not only
have bad manners, you also have dreadful taste in
clothes.

a -- I worked hard on my image. What's the matter with my outfit?

b -- Those ghastly green tights and that ugly pointed hat! I
see you in leather and velvet with matching poofy velvet
hat.

a -- Oh, really?! Would that make me any better at stealing
from the rich and giving to the poor?

b --  No, but, you'll look much more attractive at the execution.


Humility

a -- (enters, dressed in cleric collar, kneels, prays) Dear
Lord, I am but a lowly sinner, unworthy of your mercy.

b -- (enters, dressed in cleric collar, kneels, prays) Dear 
Lord, I am the worst of sinners, without your grace I am 
nothing.

c -- (enters, wearing baseball hat, kneels, prays) Dear Lord, I 
a worm, the lowest of low lifes. Without you I am nothing.

a -- (nudges B, smirks) Who does he think he is to pray like
us?



BLIND MAN SEES

a -- (white cane, dark glasses) Does anybody have a cure for 
blindness? Does anybody have a cure for blindness?

b -- (Enters, stops) I can help you.

a -- Who are you?

b -- I am Jesus of Nazareth.

a -- I am blind. You can make me see?

b -- I will make you see. (reaches to ground, spits in his
hand)

a -- Wait a minute. What are you doing?

b -- I am making mud for your eye with dirt and spit.

a -- Spit? You're going to spit in my eye?

b -- Well, yes.

a -- (exits) Anybody else got a cure for blindness? Anybody else 
got a cure for blindness?



VEND-A-SACRIFICE

a -- (A face protrudes through a box that looks like a vending 
machine, with VEND-A-SACRIFICE written on it) Hey, sinner.

b --  (passing by) Huh?

a -- You don't have to hassle with the money changers and 
sacrifice sellers in the temple courts.

b -- But, I have to... (points)

a -- Listen, your a sinner, right? You need to make a sacrifice 
to the Lord, right?

b -- Well, yeah, but... (points)

a -- Hey, sacrifice is a sacrifice. Why not go for the 
convenience. Just drop a shekel in the slot. 

b -- (Puts a coin in the slot. a dead bird comes out the slot. 
Hey! This dove is dead.

a -- Oh, now the sinner thinks he can be choosey? Get lost 
creep.




VEND-A-CONFESSION

b -- (pauses briefly in front of A, moves on)

a -- (vending machine, face protrudes) Hey, get it off your 
chest. It's only five bucks.

b -- (turns) Huh?

a -- You've got GUILT written all over your face. Put five bucks 
in the slot and get this over with.

b -- Well, alright. (slips bill into slot, A snatches it.) Okay, 
so, I drive faster than the speed limit, I take home some office 
supplies, I lied to the boss.

a -- Hey, hey! Read the sign, pal! (hand protrudes points to 
small print on sign)

b -- Oh, sure. (reads) Ah... Bless me father, for I have sinned.

a -- That's better. Bless you my son. Let me hear your 
confession.

b -- I just told you my confession.

a -- Alright, smart guy, for your act of contrition, drop 
another five bucks in the slot.

b -- Five bucks?!

a -- Alright, they're your sins. Rot in hell!

b -- Alright, Alright. Five bucks it is. (deposits a bill)

So, now I'm forgiven?

a -- Heck no. Only God can forgive sins.

b -- Then, why did I deposit all that money?

a -- So that next time you can confess to being a chump.
Hit the road, sucker.




VEND-A-MOTHER

b --  (Enters, notices machine, deposits money)

a -- Clean up your room. Eat your vegetables. Wash your hands 
before meals. I'm chilly. Put on your sweater. Did you wash 
behind your ears? I hope you don't have on holey underwear. God 
forbid you should be in an accident and go to the hospital with 
holes in your underwear. And would they criticize you? They 
would not. They would say what kind of a mother let's her son go 
out in public with holes in his underwear? How come you never 
write? Is there no post office in your neighborhood? You can't 
afford a stamp? You look pale. You should get out in the sun 
more. You've lost weight. Your not eating well? Of course you're 
not eating well. Who's there to cook for you? I told you that 
you should never move away from home but do you listen to me? 
No, I'm only the mother. Well, that's all the time I have for 
now. For more talk with your mother drop another quarter in the 
slot.

b -- No, thanks (exits)



INVESTIGATOR

Cop -- Well, what do you think, Inspector Dudley?

Dud -- This place is a mess. Can't you have somebody clean it up 
a little?

Cop -- This is a crime scene, Inspector.

Dud -- Oh, yes, the evidence. Don't bother to clean up.

Cop -- Well, what do you think, Inspector?

Dud -- Well, I think it's obvious. The burglar gained entry by 
breaking through the window, then resacked the house.

Cop -- But the window is intact. (points) That glass is a broken 
bottle.

Dud -- I knew that. How DID he get in, then?

Cop -- Well, the door you just came through was torn off the 
hinges.

Dud -- We'll have to analyze that further. We should ask the 
people who live here what was stolen. Where are they?

Cop -- They are the four bloody bodies stepped over when you 
came in.



BIBLICAL GUIDELINES

He --  Honey?

She -- Yes, Dear.

He -- I have been studying the Bible and I have discovered some 
Biblical guidelines for....us.

She -- What do you mean, for....us?

He -- I mean for our sex life.

She -- I can hardly wait. What about our sex life?

He -- I have decide that we should only have sex on days 
beginning with "T". 

She -- I could live with that.

He -- Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, and Tunday.



IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES

Hal -- First Thessalonians 5:16 to 18 "Be joyful always. Pray 
continually. Give thanks in all circumstances. For this is God's 
will for you in Christ jesus."

Sal -- I give thanks in all circumstances. For instance, I gave 
thanks when someone cut me off on the freeway.

Hal -- That's nothing. I gave thanks when someone ran me off the 
road.

Sal -- I gave thanks when I didn't get a pay raise.

Hal -- That's nothing. I gave thanks when I got a pay cut.

Sal -- I gave thanks when my parakeet died.

Hal -- That's nothing. I gave thanks when my house exploded. 
Well, I have to be going. Good bye. (exits)

Sal -- (looking up, softly) Thank you. 


MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY

He -- Honey, I'm....

She -- ....home, I know. Did you have a nice day?

He -- No, on the way to work there was an....

She -- ....accident on the freeway? 

He -- Yeah, then I no sooner got to the office and the....

She -- ....boss chewed you out?

He -- Yeah, then, my best....

She -- ....customer bought from your competitor?

He -- Yeah. Boy, it sure is....

She -- ....good to be home? What do you want for dinner?

He -- You don't know?



ACCIDENT

Mgr -- I'm sorry, sir, there's no sleeping in the theater.

Bum -- (laying across two chairs, groans)

Mgr -- I'm sorry, sir, if you don't sit up, you have to leave.

Bum -- (groans)

Mgr -- Please, sir, don't make a scene. Just leave.

Bum -- (groans)

Mgr -- That's it, then. Up and at 'em. You're out of here.

Bum -- (groans) No, please.

Mgr -- You're not one of my regulars. Where did you come from?

Bum -- (groans, speaks hoarsely, points up) From the balcony.



SICK CALL

Nurse -- Next?

Student -Ah, Nurse, I'm next.

Nurse -- What can I help you with, young man?

Student -I need a pass to go home sick.

Nurse -- So, what are your symptoms?

Student -Symptoms?

Nurse -- Yes, symptoms. You know, what are you feeling?

Student -Feeling? What am I feeling? Pressure. That's it, I'm 
feeling this pressure.

Nurse -- Pressure, okay. Well, we'll just give you an injection 
and an enema.

Student -An enema. Oh, gee, suddenly I feel much better.



EFFICIENCY

Joy -- (enters, stands at podium, writes)

Roy -- (enters, looks over Joy's shoulder) Uh huh. (writes on 
clipboard)

Joy -- (turns) Excuse me?

Roy -- Very interesting. (writes)

Joy -- What? Who are you?

Roy -- You just pretend I'm not here.

Joy -- I can't. I can't work when you're watching me.

Roy -- Keep going.

Joy -- You're from the front office, aren't you? What happens if 
you see me doing something inefficiently?  You're going to have 
me fired, aren't you?

Roy -- Please, try not to get upset. Just keep working.

Joy -- (pauses) That's it! I can't take it any more. I quit!

Roy -- (Dials phone) Hello, I found a vacancy. Will you hire me?



DELIVERY

(ding dong)

a -- Yes? (answers door)

b -- Delivery. Sign here, Miss... Barlow.

a -- My name is Johnson.

a -- Whatever. Sign here.

b -- Well, what am I signing for?

a -- The ten tons of crushed rock in your driveway.

b -- You dumped ten tons of crushed rock in my driveway?!

a -- Yup. So, just sign here.

b -- But I didn't order any crushed rock.

a -- This IS 2347 Birch Lane, isn't it?

b -- No, this is 2347 Poplar Lane.

a -- Close enough. Sign here.



Confession

a -- (enters sits in one of two chairs)

b -- (enters sits in other chair)

a -- Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

b -- Huh?

a -- It has been 6 months since my last confession.

b -- Six month?!

a -- I'm sorry, Father, but that's not the worst of it. I 
embezzled money from my partner and slept with his wife. (long 
pause) Hello. Is anybody in there?

b -- Yeah, I'm still here.

a -- Well, what should I do for my penance, Father?

b -- Why do you keep calling me father? I just came in here to 
varnish the paneling.



RAPTURE

(Jim is seated at a table for two, waiter enters)

Jim -- (Looks around) Waiter, where did she go?

Waiter -- Where did who go, sir?

Jim -- My date. She was sitting right here. When I looked up 
from my desert, she was gone.

Waiter -- I'll get your waiter, sir. Maybe he saw... He's gone 
too. Maybe they ran off together.

Jim -- Oh, she'd never do that. She's a Christian.

Waiter -- So is your waiter.

Jim -- Just my luck. They get raptured and I get stuck with the 
dinner check.



PILOT

Pilot -This is bravo two niner seven calling Eagle One.

Eagle -We read you loud and clear, bravo two niner seven. 

Pilot -Eagle one, I've been hit by machine gun fire. One of 
engines has flamed out and one of my fuel tanks is losing fuel 
fast. I'm not sure I can make it back to base.

Eagle -Roger, bravo two niner seven. Trim up your plane and lean 
out your fuel mixture.

Pilot -Roger, Eagle one. I've already done those things...Eagle 
one, it looks like my other fuel tank was hit too. I'm loosing 
fuel there too.

Eagle -We copy, bravo two niner seven. You have permission to 
jettison your remaining bombs.

Pilot -Roger, Eagle one. Bombs away... Eagle One, I just lost my 
other engine. Do you have any instructions?

Eagle -Repeat after me. "Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed 
be thy name...."



DEATH BED

Papa -- (wheezes)Bobby. Bobby, (coughs) come closer.

Bobby -Yes, Papa?

Papa -- Bobby, I don't have long to live, so I have to...

Bobby -Oh, don't say that, Papa, you'll be just fine...

Papa -- (Coughs) Don't interrupt me, JUNIOR!

Bobby -You know I don't like it when you call me JUNIOR.

Papa -- (Coughs) Shut up and listen. I don't have much time. I 
need to tell you about the million dollars I hid under 
the...(coughs, wheezes)

Bobby -A million dollars?! Hid where? Under the what, Papa?

Papa -- Shut up and I'll tell you. I hid it under...(coughs) 
It's under the...(one final wheeze, dies)

Bobby -Where did you hide it, Papa. Where? Papa? Papa? 


1-900-SISTER

She -- (breathy) Thank you for calling Creative Affection phone 
line. Are you 18 years old or older?

He  -- Ah, your voice is familiar.

She -- (hard) Listen, fella, are you over 18 or not?

He  -- Yeah, sure, I'm over 18. Where have I heard your voice 
before?

She -- (Breathy) Just give me your Visa Card number and we'll 
talk about my voice all you want.

He  -- Sure. It's here somewh... That's it! You sound like my 
sister Lisa.

She -- No, I don't. (holds her nose) A lot of people say I sound 
like your sister, probably. 

He  -- Oh, ah, I think I dialed the wrong number. I wanted 800. 
I must have accidentally dial a 900 number instead.

She -- Ah, no, ah, this IS an 800 number. But you've obviously 
got the wrong number. Hang up and dial again.

He and She --  Goodbye.



GUNFIGHT

a -- (enters, checks pistol, holsters it) Alright, you miserable 
polecat, I'm calling you out.

b -- (enters opposite) There's no room in this town for both of 
us, you varmint.

a -- That's enough talking, you dirty dog. Draw.

b -- You draw first, you maggot.

a -- No, you draw first, dung breath.

b -- I gotta go.

a -- Wait a minute? Why are you leavin'?

b -- I ran out of dirty names.



SMALL CLAIMS

a -- Hi, welcome to heaven.

b -- Wow! It's really nice up here!

a -- What can I help you with?

b -- Well, this IS the claims department. I came to claim my 
eternal rewards.

a -- I saw your work on Earth, sir, perhaps you should try the 
SMALL claims department down the hall.



HASH HOUSE

She -- Can I take your order?

He -- Yeah, I'm really hungry. But, I'll start out with a cup 
of coffee.

She -- (shouts to kitchen) Cup o' mud!

He -- With cream and sugar.

She -- Make it wimpy!

He -- Then, I'll have the breakfast special.

She -- One gut bomb!

He -- And can I have my eggs poached?

She -- With a limp wrist!

He -- And can I have my bacon crispy?

She -- Burn it! Anything else, sir?

He -- No, thanks, for some reason, I lost my appetite.



HAZUNGAH


Gen -- (enters, crosses)

Chief - (enters opposite) Welcome to my village, General.

Gen -- I come in peace, Chief.

Chief -Hazungah.

Gen -- My government wants to be friends with your tribe, Chief.

Chief -Hazungah.

Gen -- I hope that you don't take seriously the rumors that we 
covet your land. We have no plans to take over your land.

Chief -Hazungah.

Gen -- Well, now that we have reached accord, can you take me on 
a tour of your great land?

Chief -Yes. We will start with a look at our horse corral. Don't 
step in the HAZUNGAH.



THE NEW BIBLE 

Homer -Howdy, perfesser. 

Prof -- Well, hello, Homer. You're looking pretty chipper 
tonight. 

Homer -Sure am. I bought me a new Bible. 

Prof -- New Bible, huh? 

Homer - Yup. And guess what version? 

Prof -- I give up, Homer, what version is your Bible? 

Homer - It's the King James version. Know why I chose the king 
James version? 

Prof --  Homer, I'm waiting with baited breath. 

Homer - I figured that if it was good enough for Jesus, it's 
good enough for me. 

Prof -- Homer, Jesus didn't speak Elizabethan Engli...

Homer - Well, looky here. It's the red letter edition. Know why 
them words is red? 

Prof -- I'm sure you'll tell me. Why are the words red?

Homer - So as Jesus would know what to say. 

Prof -- Good night, Homer. 

Homer - Good night, perfessor.



Relativity 

a -- (kneels, looks up) Lord? 

b -- (voiceover, deep voice) Yes, my son? 

a -- Lord, I've always wondered. What is a million years to you? 

b -- My son, a million years is but a second. 

a -- Lord, what is a million dollars to you? 

b -- My son, a million dollars is but a penny. 

a -- Lord, can I have a penny? 

b -- Just a second.



Meaning of life 

a -- Lord? 

b -- Yes, my son? 

a -- Lord, what are we here for? 

b -- My son, you're here for about seventy years. 



Argument

a -- Why do you always have to argue with everything I say?

b -- I don't argue with everything you say.


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