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GUMBALL  4'?m1f Monologue: spiritual warfare, faith movement

(enters carrying gumball machine)

Alright, all you demons, listen up. It has come to my attention
that us demons have been losing ground to them blasted
Christians in recent years. It seems that the old, 
tried-and-true deceptions aren't keeping people from converting 
to Christianity as they used to.

To combat this disturbing trend, we on the strategy committee
have decided to use modern technology to promote a counterfeit
religion, that on the surface looks like Christianity but will
lead them poor unsuspecting humans down the path to damnation
with us demons.

(chuckles)

Here's how it works. We'll use the medium of television to reach
millions of seekers of God. Our spokesmen will look just like
real evangelists. On TV they will be called TELevangelists. But
instead of preaching the real God, our televangelists are going
to be preaching THIS (offers gumball machine) God.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that there is
no way the sophisticated television viewer is ever going to
swallow this counterfeit god, because it doesn't look like a god
at all. But that's the beauty of it. The suckers won't even know
they're worshipping a gumball machine until it's too late. When
we get through with the hype, they'll think they're worshipping
the one true God of the universe!

(chuckles)

We know from consumer research that even today's sophisticated
television viewers are suckers for the quick fix. This god
(offers gumball machine) is the ultimate quick fix.

Now I can see from the looks on your faces that a lot of you
demons are sceptics. But stay with me.

First of all, the viewing audience will never know they're
worshiping a gumball machine because they'll never SEE the
gumball machine because we'll tell them that the true god of the
universe is invisible. You see, this will play right into their
preconceived notions of what God is like.

Next, we'll validate that this one true god is all-powerful by
having the televangelists speak in tongues and do a few
healings.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that there's
no way we demons have the power to speak in tongues or do
healings. But the audience doesn't know that! The televangelists
will speak a little gibberish and change some silver fillings in
a few teeth into gold, maybe lengthen a shorten leg or two --
you know, the miracles that are easy to fake!

(chuckles)

Anyway, after we prove this god of ours is all-powerful, the
televangelist starts in on the sales pitch. He describes our god
in glowing terms and always pronounces the name of the god with
two syllables "Praise the LOW-WORD". You get the idea.

(chuckles)

Then comes the close. The televangelist says to the audience
"Brothers and sisters, if you merely BELIEVE, if you merely HAVE
FAITH, if you DEVELOP YOUR FAITH, if you INCREASE your faith, if 
you merely (reaches into pocket, removes a penny, drops it into 
gumball machine) bring your tithes and offerings into the Lord's 
storehouse" -- and you know what THAT means --

(chuckles)

"And if you merely GIVE to the LOW-WORD in faith, brothers and
sisters. If you give and if you truly believe, (pulls lever,
retrieves gumball, shows audience, shouts) the LOW-WORD can't
refuse you. The Lord HAS to give you what you ask for. And you
shall have health and wealth and prosperity like you can't even
imagine!"

That's the secret to our success in this scam, fellow demons. If
we can get the seekers to concentrate on getting goodies, on
getting rich, on becoming prosperous, yes, having faith in
faith, they'll take their eyes completely off their sins and the
redeeming work of... the redeeming work of... well, you know.

Alright, you demons, let's get out there with your preachers and
your hair spray. Start talking about faith, and faith in faith
and getting the goodies. If we're successful, the suckers will
have no idea they're actually worshipping a gumball machine
until it's too late!

(exits laughing fiendishly)

2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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